


Guardian Devil

by FluffyPizzaPie



Series: Fixit Series [2]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Direct Sequel to Fixit, Fixit Trolls EVERYONE, I Love That Woman, Judy Witwicky is a BAMF, Mostly as we wave it Goodbye, References to Canon, The Ancient Primes are Dicks, eventually, mostly - Freeform, ok not really, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-02-24 07:04:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 46,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13208496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyPizzaPie/pseuds/FluffyPizzaPie
Summary: I did what Primus asked of me- I helped his children. I finished my task. But apparently, that doesn’t mean I’m done. Noooo, stupid ancient Primes had to ‘volunteer’ me for yet another task…well, since I’m stuck here anyways, I might as well make them regret choosing me as Sam Witwicky’s guardian angel!





	1. Fixit's Fate (Ancient Primes are Dicks)

**Author's Note:**

> Immediate sequel to Fixit. Literally.
> 
> KEY (for beginning quotes):  
>  _“italics”_ – Fixit  
>  **“bold italics”** – Primus

They strained themselves, working together, completely in sync, only to falter just out of reach of escape. Optimus cursed, desperately trying to reach it…and Fixit’s resolve firmed.

Connected as they were, he realized what she was doing, but didn’t move fast enough.

Fixit threw him forward, shoving him the last little bit needed for him to break free. His spark broke through the edge as he reached out desperately, grasping, trying to reach her-

 

Fixit stirred. “Ooohhh, my aching helm,” she groaned. “Anyone kill the fraggin’ battleship that ran me over?”

**“Awaken, Fixit Drow. We have need of you,”** a chorus of voices resonated around her.

The Eradicon immediately decided she didn’t like them. They sounded like a bunch of stuck-up old farts who were incapable of rational thought.

And lo and behold…she was right.

“YOU WANT ME TO WHAT!?!”

 

She whimpered as she came back to consciousness. “Ow…”

Carefully, she rolled herself into a sitting position, clutching her helm in pain. Stupid slaggin’ Primes who didn’t give a frag about her health…

Looking around, she froze at the sight of trees surrounding her. Earth trees. Which meant…

Fixit’s vents hitched as she curled up defensively, barely noticing the startled human that had just exited the barn she was leaning against.

“What the hell-!?”

The Eradicon sobbed, keening desperately as she realized the Primes hadn’t been a hallucination. She really was trapped in a different universe, forced into babysitting Sam Witwicky until he fulfilled his destiny…

…she had lost everything once again.

 

Judy Witwicky stared at the giant robot, metal bat held in front of her defensively. Was it…crying?

She edged closer carefully, her protective instincts beginning to stir as she listened to the robot…grieve. It was, she had heard correctly, it sounded like it was grieving. But for what? And why?

“E-excuse me? Are you okay?” she called out hesitantly, prodding one leg with her bat when the robot didn’t immediately respond. “Excuse me!”

“What!?” the robot snapped at her in a deep voice, shifting its leg away defensively.

Judy huffed. “There’s no need to be so rude,” she scolded, glaring up the purple and blue mass of metal. She was taken aback by the hollow, bitter laugh her words produced.

“I just lost everything I have ever cared about, again, for the second fraggin’ time, and I don’t know if I’ll ever return! Right now, I couldn’t care less about being fraggin’ rude!!!” the robot snarled at her, hiccupping occasionally as it moved to lay on its side, burying its head in its hands. “Just…frag off. P-please. Let m-me m-mourn-n in p-peac-ce…”

“Oh, sweetie…” Judy lowered her bat, walking over to the robot’s head. Carefully, she reached out and rubbed the warm dark purple metal gently. The robot shivered, moving slightly to look at her…and let out a miserable sob, one hand curling around a startled Judy to cradle her against its face.

“I w-want to g-go h-h-home,” the robot whimpered, its hand shaking as it gently clung to the woman.

Judy’s heart just melted. “Oh, sweetheart…come on, tell me all about it.”

 

“…and, and I just, I finished the task Primus gave me, I helped them. So why didn’t he stop them!? Why is he letting the Primes do this to me!? I just want to go home!”

Judy hugged Fixit around her neck as best she was able. The femme had told her everything…even the fact that she had once been human, too. The Eradicon had been bottling this up for too long, so when the human woman had asked, the cybertronian had ended up spilling everything as she finally cracked.

“…I don’t know, sweetheart. But if you ever see this Primus man- er, mech- again, you tell me right away and I’ll kick his ass for you!”

Fixit laughed shakily, carefully holding the woman against her chest. “I d-don’t know how much damage you can do to a god, but…if anyone could do that, it’s probably you…thank you.”

“Of course, sweetheart. That’s what family is for.”

The femme choked, jerking her helm back to stare at Judy. “Y-you…what?”

She smiled serenely. “Well, you said the assholes told you to guard Sam Witwicky…and since I’m his mother, I declare that you are officially family now. And while you may not ever be able to return to your other home, you will always have one here with us. I promise.”

She gaped at the woman wordlessly. That…that was…

Fixit started laughing, curling around Judy protectively as she struggled not to cry. “S-shouldn’t you discuss this with your husband first before you ad-dopt me?”

“Nah, Ronnie’ll understand eventually. Besides, after eight years of marriage, he knows I’m always going to surprise him somehow. He loves that about me…even if it also annoys the hell out of him at the same time.”

The Eradicon just laughed harder, nuzzling her helm into the smug mother affectionately.

 

“YOU ADOPTED A GIANT ALIEN ROBOT FROM SPACE!?!”

“I think she’ll make an awesome godmother for Sam, don’t you Ronnie?”

“THAT- WHAT- JUDY, GIANT ALIEN ROBOT FROM SPACE!!!”

“Technically, the proper term is ‘mech,’ or in Fixit’s case, ‘femme.’”

“WHAT PART OF GIANT ALIEN ROBOT FROM SPACE ARE YOU NOT GETTING!?!”

“Um, if I’m causing problems, I can just leave…”

“Oh no sweetheart, there’s no problem. You just go make yourself comfortable in the garage, okay?”

“NO, YOU DO NOT GO MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE!!! YOU GET OUT OF HERE, GET AWAY FROM MY FAMILY-!”

“RONALD WITWICKY!!! THAT IS NO WAY TO TREAT A GUEST, MUCH LESS FAMILY!!! YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!!!”

“But, Judy-!”

“RON!”

“…”

“…”

“…yes, ma’am.”

Fixit had a very hard time keeping a straight face as Ron grumbled out an apology under Judy’s disapproving glare.


	2. Building a New Identity

_“WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO THIS TO ME, PRIMUS!? WHY!?”_

 

“So you can transform into a jet?”

“Yep.”

“…prove it.”

Fixit transformed, causing the boys’ jaws to drop. Then she transformed back, smirking smugly…and grateful she didn’t accidentally transform into her new, third alt. mode. Stupid Primes, messing with her frame and not telling her. Okay, she could see how having a human alt. mode could be useful (although the sheer size/spacial manipulation was mindboggling), but they couldn’t even give her a cryptic hint or something!? If Judy and Ron hadn’t been there to calm her down, she…she didn’t know what she would’ve done, but…it definitely wouldn’t have been good.

…well, at least that episode had finally gotten Ron to grudgingly accept her. Grudgingly.

“That’s so cool!” Five year old Miles and Sam squealed in unison, running forward to climb all over her and bringing her attention back to the present day. They began babbling out incomprehensible questions at her as she chuckled, moving slightly so she could catch them if they fell.

The Eradicon glanced up, winking at Judy who was hovering just out of the boys’ sight. The two lads thought that the adult Witwickys didn’t have a clue about Fixit’s existence, and Judy and she were having too much fun watching them frantically try to hide the cybertronian to enlighten them to the truth. Ron had just rolled his eyes and left the two women to it.

 

“…I’m bored.”

Judy glanced up at the Eradicon slouched in their barn, who was indeed looking rather bored. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot a twenty-three foot mechanoid being could do without exposing her existence to panicky humans, and Fixit was very reluctant to use her human alt. mode…especially since it looked exactly like her original human body had right before BlueJay had killed her.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, I don’t have anything for you to do. Sam and Miles are both at kindergarten, Ron’s at work, and what few chores I have left you can’t do. You’re too big.”

“…hmm.”

.

.

.

“You know what, frag this! If I’m going to totally mess with the Primes’ plans, I’m going to need my human alt., which means I just have to deal!”

 

Fixit huffed to herself as she went about creating her new identity. She needed something to explain her trauma, scars, and lack of people to corroborate her story.

> Name? Marie ‘Fixit’ Callahan.
> 
> Age? Around 28. _(Although it’s more like forty-two, really.)_
> 
> Date of birth? Unknown. Later chose June 21st, 1968 as official date.
> 
> Location of birth? Somewhere in Congo, Africa.
> 
> Hometown? Unknown village. Recently moved to Tranquility, Nevada from Capetown, South Africa.
> 
> Parents? Missionaries. Mother died in childbirth, father died five years later. Raised by village.
> 
> History? Thought to be boy and taken as child soldier. Eventually managed to run and escape with six others, only one to survive to reach aid in South Africa. Spent several years learning/working, began online courses at age 16-17. Mostly self-taught. Definite loner with very few, close friends.

Now, what should her occupation be…?

Her optics fell on a carjack in the corner of the barn. Inspiration struck.

_Oh yes…yes, that will do nicely. Believable, something I can keep up, and it honors G1 Wheeljack at the same time…yes! I will be an inventor!_

 

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Callahan.”

Fixit shook the CEO’s hand. Thank Primus for her experience in running cons, she wouldn’t have been able to do this so quickly otherwise. Yay for faked evidence! “The pleasure is mine, sir.”

“Now, I understand you have something to show me.”

The albino grinned wolfishly, tucking a stray strand of white hair behind a scarred ear.

 

She gazed proudly at the new, hyper-efficient solar power systems she had designed. In less than four years, she had firmly established herself as a brilliant inventor- although she was careful not to make anything too advanced. Some things humans just weren’t ready for, which was why she had limited herself to clean energy.

Given that it was only the year 2000, clean energy hadn’t really become popular yet…at least, it hadn’t in her original world. Here, pretty much everyone wanted it now, thanks to her. Her systems- whether it be for wind, water, geothermal, or solar- were much more efficient, sturdy, and reliable than traditional sources of power. They were also a lot cheaper, and the initial investment in each system had already been paid off in full. Now, it was just profit, and she had companies around the world vying for her expertise.

The media was going nuts, but she had managed to keep her private and personal life mostly separate for now. Whenever she went out in public as Marie Callahan the genius inventor, she wore a bright orange ski mask with neon fireworks embroidered on it, purple and blue goggles, a bright yellow high-collared trench coat embroidered with popcorn, rainbow fingerless gloves, bright red cargo pants, and dark purple sparkly combat boots.

Needless to say, Marie Callahan was widely acknowledged as brilliant, but crazy.

Fixit Callahan, on the other hand, was a quiet, unremarkable person- apart from the albinism and scars- who favored dark colors and lived on a massive property on the outskirts of town. She was most well-known for bailing her adopted son, Miles Lancaster-Callahan, and his best friend, Samuel Witwicky, out of the various escapades they got themselves into. Although how they had ended up on top of that telephone pole in the middle of the desert, no one knew…

 

Fixit sang along to the radio as she drove back down from Canada. She was glad to be done with that stupid international conference- she had been getting tired of wearing such blinding clothes and arguing with glitch-headed idiots.

She drove her completely hand-built car along the dark, snowy, deserted road. Most people didn’t drive at 1am in the morning, but then again, most people needed to sleep every night. Fixit only had to recharge every few days.

She whipped around the bend…and braked hard, screeching to a halt. The albino threw the car into reverse, backing up to the wreck on the side of the road. She leapt out of the car and sprinted over, sliding down the slope to land in…energon?

Her red eyes narrowed. Cautiously, she began walking over to the pile of scrap. She tiptoed around the side of the nearly unrecognizable car…and sucked in a sharp breath at the words written across the side of the police car underneath a familiar emblem.

_To Punish And Enslave._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who it is!  
> FYI, the first couple of chapters are just going to be setting things up. The really good stuff will come later.
> 
> And yes, Fixit's cover story is ridiculous and highly implausible. That's the point.


	3. Introductions

**_“I’m so sorry, youngling. They went behind my back, I didn’t know. I would never have done this to you, I promise.”_ **

 

“Stupid fraggin’ heavy-ass microwave that just had to go and wreck himself on the slaggin’ slippery roads from the Pit…” Fixit grumbled to herself as she worked on the stasis-locked cybertronian on the berth. After stabilizing Barricade on the scene- _oh hey, right, Barricade was his designation…wait, when did I remember that? ...eh, whatever, just blame it on the stupid Primes…_ \- the Eradicon had lugged the crumbled cruiser to the nearest warehouse Marie Callahan had just recently bought and renovated. Once there, she set about trying to fix the slagger.

Fortunately, there were enough familiar-looking parts that she was able to stabilize him. Unfortunately, there apparently were several major differences in composition between the cybertronians of her universe and the cybertronians of this universe. Which meant that all she could do right now was watch as his self-repair systems went to work.

“Stupid slagger…you had better wake up in time for me to get back for Christmas, you glitched turkey.”

 

Her helm shot up as the cop car’s reclining form groaned softly, the mech clearly beginning to stir.

“Finally! You’ve been out of it forever,” Fixit complained, moving over to check on the restraints. Oh, and Barricade too.

His red optics flickered on slowly, blearily focusing on her. And then he stiffened, realizing exactly what kind of situation he was in. He was restrained, injured badly, and at the mercy of this strange-looking winged cybertronian…and his partner was nowhere to be found. Slaggit!

He bared his denta at her as she leaned over to look into his chest, checking over the circuitry. “Back off,” he snarled, jerking against the restraints.

She rolled her optics. “Oh don’t be such a drama queen. If I wanted you dead, you’d be dead already. Honestly, does no one think anymore…?”

He just glared at her silently.

 

“Aha! Wait, no…no, that won’t work…grr…”

Barricade frowned as he watched his captor grumble to himself. It had been four local cycles since he had woken up, and there was still no sign of Frenzy. At least his streamlined captor had done nothing but try to fix him so far. Well, and cuss anything and everything out, but he had a feeling that was just the mech’s personality.

…although for someone with cybertronian medical insignia, he sure didn’t look like he knew what he was doing.

“Hmm…” the mech glanced over at him thoughtfully, wings twitching idly. “…no, fraggit, that won’t work either. Stupid slaggin’ systems that are so similar and yet so different from what I’m used to…”

The cop car narrowed his optics thoughtfully. Similar yet different, huh…?

“…why are you attempting to repair me?” he rasped out, his vocalizer still slightly damaged.

Dark scarlet optics turned to watch him consideringly. “…I hang out with far too many goodie two-shoes. Plus, this is a good opportunity for me to figure out the major differences between your guys’ frames and mine, as well as how to repair damage without accidentally offlining my patient. Oh, and you were less slagged than your buddy, so hopefully the practice on you will eventually allow me to fix him as well.”

He jerked to attention at the mention of his partner, although he was quick to try and hide it. “What did you do with him!?”

Okay, well, scratch trying to hide his concern. Fraggin’ glitchy pest…he was a Decepticon, he wasn’t supposed to care! It was just…it had been only them for such a long time…

The purple and blue mech was watching him knowingly, causing him to snarl. Fragger didn’t know anything-!

“I put the little one in a stasis chamber after clamping shut all the energon lines I could get. He should be fine until I learn how to fix him,” the deep voice of his captor said quietly. “But right now, I’m kinda stuck, and I need your help to know what to fix. The longer this takes, the less time I’ll have to try and save your partner. Okay?”

Barricade glared at the winged mech, but flicked his gaze away to brood.

“…fine. But make one wrong move…” he trailed off threateningly.

The mech snorted, walking over to stand by him. “Yes, because you can totally hurt me via the power of your scorching glare alone. Oh, and by the way, my designation’s Fixit! Nice ta meetcha, mister grumpy pants!”

The cop car scowled. “What do you not know,” he fumed, deliberately not giving his own designation.

Fixit smirked slightly in amusement even as he rattled off the parts in Barricade’s body he didn’t recognize.

 

Barricade hovered anxiously as the Eradicon finished up the last of the repairs on Frenzy. He and Fixit had come to an uneasy truce (at least on his side- Fixit just seemed amused. Although he had to admit bantering with the medic was quite…entertaining). The winged mech would continue to fix them, and eventually let them go unharmed, if the Decepticons refrained from harming and/or attacking him.

“And…there! All done! Oh, and he picked up a couple of nasty viruses from somewhere, I got rid of most of them. Your programming is even slightly different from ours, it’s so cool…but, um, yeah, that means I can’t get rid of some of the deeply embedded ones. Sorry. Want me to wake him up now?”

The cop car nodded slowly, bracing himself.

Frenzy came online with a whine of circuitry. His optics opened to stare directly at the two larger mechs looming over him…

“Coffee! CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCatfishCoffeeCoffeeCoffee! Need CoffeeCoffeeStarbucksCatfishTwizzlersCoca-ColaCoffee-!”

He shut up abruptly as Fixit dangled a grande cappuccino over his helm. Barricade suppressed a snicker as the spastic mech’s optics followed the drink from side…to side…to side…

“I’m gonna give it to him, clean up, and then leave. I’ll set the lock so that it’ll lock behind you when you leave, ‘kay? Have fun with your spazz- I’m gonna be late to torment my own,” the medic whispered aside to him, failing to suppress his own grin. “Ta-ta!”

And with that, Fixit tossed the coffee to the addict, threw Barricade a sloppy salute, and sauntered off.

The cop car vented heavily as he stared at his partner, who was guzzling the coffee down like there was no tomorrow. This was going to suck so bad…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to have a lot of fun writing Frenzy…


	4. Family Bonding

**_“Any suggestions on how to make them suffer?”_ **

_“…neon and…um…ooo!_ Hormones.”

**_"...do I want to know_ why _you consider that to be a punishment?"_**

_"Probably not, no."_

 

Miles stared fixedly at the door. 

There was a rustle from behind him as his best friend and godbrother shifted behind him, also staring at the door.

“Boys, dinner’s ready! Come eat!” Uncle Ron called from the kitchen. Then he yelped as the boys heard Aunt Judy wack him with a spoon again.

“Ron! We are not eating until Fixit gets here!” she scolded. “Christmas is a time for family!”

“But she can’t even eat any of it- ow!”

“Ronald!”

Just then, the doorknob rattled. Instantly, the two nine year olds shot to attention, leaping up to hover next to the door. Slowly, ever so slowly, agonizingly so, the handle turned…and the door creaked open to reveal…

**“GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!”** the boys screamed in unison at the giant squirrel standing on the porch. They slammed the door in its face, bolting up the stairs to hide under Sam’s bed.

 

Fixit and Judy wheezed, laughing so hard tears were running down their cheeks. Ron had laughed as well, but eventually choked it down to go check on the boys and coax them back downstairs for Christmas dinner.

“Oh Primus, I love doing that,” the cybertronian gasped, leaning against the couch, the head of the squirrel resting on the ground next to her.

Judy snickered as she calmed down, rolling to sit next to her adopted younger sister. “I don’t think…they’ll ever get over…their fear of…squirrels if you…keep doing that…”

Fixit grinned wolfishly. “Exactly. I will forever be able to blackmail them into doing what I want.”

The mother snorted, shaking her head in fond exasperation. “Come on, you guardian devil. Let’s go get you out of that horrid suit.”

“Aw, but I wanted to scare them some more…”

 

The cybertronian propped her head on her hands, a fond smile tugging at her lips as she watched her family eat. She herself had a thermos of home-made energon, courtesy of her modified personal solar power system, and would take a sip occasionally.

She didn’t really need to hide the fact she only consumed a liquid in this house, but whenever Marie Callahan was invited out to business dinners, she explained her diet as a side-effect of damage from when she was a child. If she didn’t follow an extremely strict diet, she could die! Hence, why she only drank from her thermos in public. She ‘ate’ in private.

 

She chuckled softly to herself as the boys unwrapped their presents from her. They were instantly in love with the neon orange spelunking gear and dull red lockpicks she had gotten them, especially since there was a coupon for a vacation to go to Yellowstone- just the three of them.

Ron rolled his eyes in exasperated disapproval as Judy joined the boys in exclaiming in delight over the gifts. Honestly, did no one follow the law in this house?

Fixit grinned at him, easily guessing what he was thinking. He said it often enough, after all…

…slaggit, she really missed her creeper and the rest of her family back home now…Ron would really disapprove of most of them!

 

“Now then, milads, today we will learn the fine art of cackling,” Fixit proclaimed snootily, helm turned dramatically upwards.

The two boys sitting on her knees ceased their (supposedly surreptitious) slap fight, giving her their full attention.

She grinned madly. “Now, in order to produce a proper cackle, one must first-”

 

The Eradicon hummed to herself as she danced around her main Nebraskan warehouse to Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer.” Totally her fav. song…right, moving on!

“Fixy!” a voice cackled from across the room, causing her to whip around into a defensive stance, servo hovering, ready to whip out her trusty hammer.

Barricade raised a brow at her quick reaction as Frenzy bounded across the room to swarm up her frame.

“CadeCade, Fritz! Hey, how ya doing!?” she exclaimed happily, relaxing as the tiny silver mech amused himself by climbing all over her.

“Don’t call me that,” the beat-up cop car grumbled as he walked over.

“CadeCade grumpygrump,” Frenzy informed Fixit sagely, nodding his helm. “Whitey makes him an old fart!”

Fixit suppressed the urge to laugh at the murderous scowl on Barricade’s face, instead nodding her helm along with the little mech on her shoulder. “Ah, yes, the whitey makes many an old fart,” she said solemnly.

“You do realize the pair of you look like some of those stupid bobblehead things, right?” he huffed, gingerly settling down on the bright blue spinning stool Fixit pointed out to him.

“Yup!” they said cheerfully in unison, continuing to bob their helms as Fixit moved to scan the cruiser.

He snorted, watching the Eradicon’s moves carefully, but he wasn’t as paranoid as he had been. They had known each other for around a year now, and while the Decepticons still didn’t trust her very much, she was their only source of medical aid. It was very rare that any of the pair’s injuries (although it was usually Barricade that was injured) came from a legitimate fight- Barricade was, apparently, completely horrible at driving in the snow.

Fixit had suggested time and again that he get proper equipment for snowy weather if he continued to insist on driving in it, but the mech’s stubborn sense of pride kept getting in the way. He was a mighty Decepticon warrior, slaggit! He refused to be beaten by mere hydrogen!

(And that was pretty much a direct quote, too.)

“So, are we finally going to get proper equipment, or are we going to continue to be a stubborn, aft-helmed glitch?” she inquired mildly, finally ceasing her helm’s movement.

Frenzy started cackling again as he climbed the walls of the warehouse, exploring. Barricade huffed, turning his helm to avoid her optics.

Wait…was he…?

The cop car mumbled something she didn’t catch, being too busy attempting not to break into outright laughter as the mech flushed in embarrassment.

“S-sorry, what was that?”

He glared at the not-very-well-hidden amusement in her voice, but his optics quickly slid back to his pedes.

“…where do you buy the proper equipment.”

“He’s seen the error of his ways! Cry Hallelujah!” Fixit proclaimed, throwing her arms into the air and accidentally tossing her wrench behind her. “Oops.”

Abruptly, Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus began blaring out of the speakers, nearly deafening the two of them before they shut off their audios.

**:Oh look, Fritz found my extremely expensive sound system. Joy.:** she commented over the comm as she moved to a box nearby.

Barricade scowled at the walls as the vibrations from the loud music rumbled softly through their frames. Luckily, he was so focused on scowling that he completely missed Fixit’s shivers at the vibrations. :Little slagger’ll be lucky if I don’t offline him outright,: he fumed.

Hastily, Fixit accessed her remote control and shut off the music before it could work her up so much her cooling fans kicked in. That would just be embarrassing.

“Sure, CadeCade. Whatever you say,” she said outloud, walking back over with her servos full of snow gear. “Here, for you!”

He looked taken aback as she dumped the entire lot into his lap, Frenzy reappearing on his shoulder to stare with him. “Wha-?”

“I got it all after the second time you crashed,” she explained absently, dusting off her servos and getting right back to work. “If you hadn’t willingly taken it today, I would’ve welded it to your aft before I let you leave.”

“W-w-why?” Frenzy looked up at her, shuttering his optics rapidly as he fidgeted. Barricade was watching her with an unreadable look in his optics.

“Besides the fact I’m tired of always fixing you two up for a stupid mistake you refuse to learn from?” she said dryly, crouching as she moved to the cruiser’s knee. “I consider you two friends, even if you don’t consider me one. And I don’t expect you to. You are Decepticons, after all. Rarr, look at us, we’re big baddies that kick aft. Pfft, friends? We don’t need friends, only weaklings need friends.”

The two partners shared a glance as the normally irrepressibly bubbly mech’s tone gained a bitter, knowing edge, but they didn’t press. Doing so would likely result in Fixit methodically disassembling and then reassembling their limbs without deactivating any of their sensors again, like had happened the only other time they had actually angered the mech.

The Eradicon clapped her servos together as she stood up. “Right, all finished, you can go now! And watch out for those killer squirrels, CadeCade!”

Frenzy burst out laughing as Barricade snarled, grabbing his partner and stalking away in an attempt to retain at least some of his dignity.

“D’aww, look at the cute little ruffled kitty kat…” Fixit cooed after him, ducking the piece of scrap thrown her way before the cruiser took off into the softly falling snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now that the necessary background details have been put in, we can finally get to some of the good stuff!


	5. The Boys Begin High School

**_“…you scare me sometimes, youngling.”_ **

_“Only sometimes? Slag, gonna have to work on that.”_

 

“You sure you have everything?” Judy asked anxiously, fiddling with Sam’s shirt.

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, mom, I’ve got everything. Miles and I will be fine, stop worrying.”

Beeping set to the rhythm of ‘La Cucaracha’ came from outside.

“See, there’s Fixit and Miles now. Can I go now?”

“Oh, alright…”

“Now son,” Ron said seriously, stopping the teen right outside the door. “Remember… _don’t do anything Fixit tells you is a good idea._ Got it?”

Sam rolled his eyes again. “I’ve known that for years now, dad. I’ll be fine.”

He turned and jumped off the porch-

“Sam! Grass!”

“Oh, honestly-! Fine, see? I’m on the path-”

“You know to stay off my grass-”

“I’m not on your grass-”

“STOP ARGUING AND GET IN THE FRAGGIN’ CAR, SAM! RON, YOUR PRECIOUS GRASS IS FINE- FOR NOW!” Fixit yelled from the car, leaning out and up over the roof.

Ron was instantly distracted, letting Sam take advantage and make a break for his godmother’s car.

“YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY GRASS, WOMAN!”

“MAKE ME, WITWICKY!”

“RON! FIXIT! BEHAVE! AND SAMMY, HAVE A GOOD FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL! YOU TOO, MILES!”

Sam groaned in embarrassment, ducking his head in the backseat as Miles laughed beside him.

“WILL DO, AUNTIE JUDY! LET’S GO, MOM!”

“YEAH! FORWARD UNTO HIGH SCHOOL WE GO!”

“WHOO!”

Sam stared flatly at the two as they turned to look at him expectantly. Rolling his eyes once more, he sat up straight…

“LET’S DO THIS THING!”

**“YEAH!!!”**

The sleek silver car peeled out as all three occupants began singing ‘We Are The Champions’ by Queen at the top of their lungs. Judy and Ron stood on the porch waving till they were out of sight.

 

“So how was your first day of high school?” Fixit inquired as the boys got into her car. People were staring (and a couple were drooling) at the sleek silver sports car. None of them could figure out what model it was, though…

Sam and Miles glanced at each other. The albino watched via her rear view mirror in amusement as they had a silent conversation.

“…mom?” Miles said finally.

“Yes, Pit-spawn?”

**“It’s perfect,”** they said in unison, their faces reflecting their awe.

“…perfect?”

Sam grinned madly as Miles began cackling. “Perfect for pranking.”

 

“Oh, and bring the orange duct tape!” Miles called after Sam as they dropped him off at his house.

“Will do! See you tomorrow!”

The two Callahans waved as Sam disappeared into his house, snickering as they heard Judy immediately begin to coo over her son.

“So my little Pit-spawn…” Fixit drawled as she pulled out, a smug smirk tugging at the corners of her lips.

“…yeah?”

“Any homework?”

“…not yet, why?”

“Well…I was thinking it’d be good to finally introduce you to CadeCade and Fritz…”

Miles’ grin now matched his mom’s evil one. “What’d you have in mind?”

Fixit cackled.

 

“Make sure you get an even layer, My!”

“Got it, mom! This is going to rule! Sam’s going to be so bummed he missed this!”

“Yeah, well, maybe next time he’ll think twice before he decides to paint my berth neon pink!”

“With butterflies!”

“…”

“…”

“…so you did help him, huh?”

“…frag. C-”

“No takebacks.”

“Slaggit!”

 

Barricade paused outside the doors.

“Why CadeCade stoppy?” Frenzy asked, transforming to scramble over the cruiser’s seats.

“…why is there Christmas music playing?” the cop car asked warily, popping open his door and transforming once his partner was clear. Frenzy clambered up to his shoulder as the mech cautiously pushed the door open…

“What. The. Frag.”

“CadeCade, Fritz! Hey, what up?” Fixit greeted them merrily as he skated nimbly across the ice, a giant santa hat perched precariously on his helm.

Barricade just stared flatly at him as Frenzy whooped, jumping down to skitter across the homemade ice rink completely covering the floor of the warehouse. Twinkling fairy lights glimmered overhead in place of the usual industrial lights, and massive multicolored strands of tinsel were strung everywhere. Fixit was even using a neon yellow one as a scarf.

“Yeah…no.” The cruiser turned to leave, but was yanked back by Fixit. He flailed wildly, clinging desperately to the laughing winged mech as he twirled them across the ice to ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ by Bobby Helms. “Fixit!”

 

“Look out!”

Frenzy yelped as he crashed into something soft as he skated down one of the halls.

“Squishy!?”

“Get off me, you aft!”

 

“Hey, where’d Fritz go?” Fixit wondered aloud as he wove circles around an unstable Barricade.

“How the frag should I know!” the cruiser snarled, a look of panic on his face as he desperately tried to keep from falling.

**“WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”**

The two cybertronians looked up as a small sliver and red bullet shot out of one of the doorways, separating as it slid along into Frenzy and a…human youngling?

The younger duo were brought to a halt by the massive pile of padding lining the bottom of the walls. Barricade gaped as he finally managed to grab ahold of one of the tables against the wall.

“Wha-?”

Fixit laughed as he skated over. “I see you two have met…”

“S-squishy prankster awesome! Fritz want as petpet!” Frenzy exclaimed, slipping and sliding over to the human as it got back to its feet.

“That’d be so cool, please!?” the youngling looked pleadingly up at the winged mech, Frenzy following his lead.

Fixit rolled his optics. “No.”

“But Fixy-!”

“But mom-!”

“No means no, boys. But you can be friends and team up to help me torment CadeCade…”

Massive grins slowly spread across their faces as Barricade sputtered.

“Wha- that’s not- wait, what did he mean, ‘mom?’”

“This is my adopted son, Miles!” Fixit beamed proudly gesturing to the human youngling now plotting with Frenzy.

“But- that-”

“Hey mom?”

“Yes, Pit-spawn?”

“Can we borrow your paintball weapons?”

“What!? No, Fixit, don’t you dare let them-”

“Okay-dokey! Get ‘im good, boys!”

“Fixit!” Barricade roared as the two short ones cheered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was nice knowing you, CadeCade! Get ‘im, Shorties!


	6. The Movie (Finally) Begins!

_“...I just want to go home…”_

 

“Hey mom?”

“Yes Pit-spawn?”

“There’s a party at the lake this weekend, can I go with Sam?”

“…you just want to show off his car when he gets it, don’t you?”

“Duh.”

“…yeah, alright. Go ahead. I’m sure his new car’ll be very…interesting.”

 

Fixit was chatting with Judy as they prepared homemade Pad Thai for dinner. The albino had gotten the recipe from one of her favorite restaurants in Thailand, which she ate at whenever she was there on business. The cybertronian had invented a way for her to eat human food (and enjoy the flavors). She hadn’t figured out a way to convert it to fuel yet, though, which meant she had to throw it up later, but so far the ability to eat was worth it.

“They’re back, and- oh, cool!” Miles darted outside as the two women glanced up. “Dude! Awesome first car!”

“Go on,” Fixit jerked her head towards the driveway. “I’ll finish up here.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.” Judy washed her hands and headed out to admire her son’s first car.

The cybertronian watched her go thoughtfully as she stirred the Pad Thai. _And so it begins…_

 

“I keep forgetting just how smart you really are…” Sam said thoughtfully as he watched Fixit work on his new car.

She huffed irritably. “I’m one of the richest people in the world for a reason, Sammy. And for the love of-! Whoever owned this car before you did a crap job of maintaining it. It’s got an awesome engine, but it’s like no one’s ever bothered to even change the fraggin’ oil! Grr…”

“You can fix it, right? And yes, I noticed the pun just after I said it.”

“I built my own car and jet, Sammy. Of course I can fix it. Frag, I love puns!”

**“We noticed,”** Sam and Miles said in unison as they finished covering the windows.

Sam wandered into the shed to get the paint as Miles went to pull his mom away from where she was muttering in annoyance.

“Come on, mom. The car works fine for now, and we’re ready to paint it. You can keep fixing it tomorrow…”

She scowled, but allowed herself to be dragged off to help Sam.

 

Bee sagged slightly on his tires in relief as Miles dragged his crazy albino mother away. All her comments about his horrible state had been making him feel incredibly guilty. He could’ve sworn some of her comments were aimed directly at him, like she had known he could understand her!

It was like being on the receiving end of a Ratchet lecture, only it hadn’t even been aimed at him!

 

_Hopefully the fraggin’ youngling will take my words to spark and actually start taking care of himself. Otherwise, I'll have to drop an anonymous tip to Ratchet once he gets here…_ Fixit thought darkly, glowering at the Camaro as she and the boys repainted it.

_Although I did like his little air freshener…that was cute._

 

The Eradicon paused in her welding as Miles came into the room, rubbing at his eyes sleepily.

“What is it, My?” she asked in concern, walking over and picking her son up.

“…I just got- *yawn*- the weirdest phone call from Sam ever,” he murmured, holding his cell up as an offering.

Fixit cradled him to her chest plates just over her spark, letting its rhythmic pulse sooth him as she mentally accessed his phone’s memory. Then she nearly burst out laughing as she listened to Sam panicking over ‘Satan’s Camaro.’ Especially since he seemed half-convinced she had something to do with it!

 

“Weekend’s almost here! Yes! That means Fritz and CadeCade are coming over soon! Mom, can we-!”

“Yes, you can use the training room.”

“YES! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!!”

 

“Auntie Fixit! Oh thank Primus, you’ve got to help me, my car just stood up! It stood up, Fixit! It stood up, and now it’s shining a giant light up into the sky!”

She was amused by his panic. “So, your car- a seemingly inanimate vehicle- stood up on its rear bumper?”

“No, it, like, transformed into a giant robot! A giant robot, Fixit!”

“You know, robot is rather insulting and implies we have no spark…”

“I don’t care- wait, we?”

“I know for a fact this is not the first time you’ve encountered a vehicle that can transform into a ‘robot,’ Sammy.”

“What!? What do you mean, it’s not…oh, that’s right, you…you’re…wait, does that mean he’s a cybertronian too?! But he looks so different from you!”

“I don’t look like a lot of cybertronians here.”

“…oh yeah, you- you mentioned that before, I think…oh frag, I think he saw me! Gotta go, bye!”

She snickered. Ah, Sammy…even with all the things she’s done to him over the years, he was still a total spaz at times. It made for such great reactions!

 

The Eradicon hummed to herself as she and Miles set up the paint cannons. Barricade had called to say he and Fritz would be a little late since they had an errand to run first…wait. Her optics narrowed. In the movie, wasn’t Barricade…?

She immediately commed the cruiser, snarling as he didn’t answer. Fixit set about hacking her way into his line, ignoring Miles’ questions as she froze in place.

She broke through in time to hear Cade swear at the Autobot scout as he deployed Frenzy to go after the human children.

**:Barricade!:** she roared, startling him slightly, letting Bumblebee get in a hit.

:Fixit, not now-:

**:My godson is Ladiesman217, and if you hurt him, I will rip you to shreds!!!:**

:…! Fraggit! Frenzy, don’t hurt the younglings, the target is Fixit’s godson!: The mech sounded honestly frightened beneath his growlyness, even as he swore at having to throw the fight so the scout would win. After all, there was no reason evil Decepticons would choose to leave an organic youngling unharmed if they won. :You’d better repair me after this, Fixit!:

**:Only if my family is unharmed,:** she snarled icily, causing the cop car to shiver slightly even as he relayed the conversation quickly to his partner. He’d never heard Fixit that pissed before…

 

“Fifty years from now, when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?”

Frenzy muttered mentally to himself as he listened to the humans from the depths of the bag. He wasn’t very impressed with Fixy’s godson so far…was this really MyMy’s best friend?

Pfft, he was better than Ladiesman…

 

“Barricade.”

The mech looked up from the floor to meet her dark crimson optics.

“Thank you.”

He glanced away, his cheeks flushing faintly. “…I only did it because you would’ve ripped us apart otherwise.” Even he could hear how weak it sounded, judging by the increased flush on his face.

She smiled softly, finishing his repairs in silence.

“Shut up.”

“…I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it. Shut up.”

“…nah, I’m good.”

“Fixit…”

“CadeCade…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My own version of why Barricade lost that fight so easily. Because I can understand Bee winning (although I personally think Cade’s the better fighter most of the time, seeing how he’s a Shock Trooper and Bee’s a Scout), but I can’t understand him coming out of it practically unscathed. Actually, I don’t think he has any wounds when they show him directly after fighting Barricade. Which just makes no sense whatsoever.


	7. Autobot Bumbling

**_“I’m working on a way to get you home, youngling. But…”_ **

_“…but it’s going to take awhile, isn’t it?”_

**_“…yes. By the time I’d found where you’d been taken, you’d been here too long for me to remove you easily.”_ **

_“Figures…”_

 

“Cameras all in place?”

“Check!”

“Judy and Ron forewarned?”

“Check!”

“Popcorn ready?”

“Check!”

“Then we’re good to go!”

“Yeah!”

“…I don’t even want to know.”

“Aw, come on CadeCade! This’ll be awesome!”

“Yeah!”

“How do you even know the Autobots will come? And why did you make popcorn?”

“Why, for the entertaining performance, of course!”

“Duh!”

“That doesn’t explain anything…”

“Exactly. Now shut up and enjoy the show.”

Barricade rolled his holoform’s eyes, but obligingly settled on the couch next to Fixit and Miles as they stared intently at the wall of screens showing the vid feeds of the cameras monitoring the Witwicky house. They were at Fixit’s house across the street, and Cade’s real form was hidden in the garage (which the albino had tweaked so no scans could get through).

“Fraggin’ sadists…”

**“Yep!”**

 

“Oh! Here they come!”

Barricade pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation as Fixit and Miles leaned so far forward they fell off the couch.

“Oops. Oh wait, there they go!”

They watched avidly as Sam ran up to the door and laughed as Ron started ragging on him about his chores. Even the 'cop' smirked in amusement at how the rest of the youngling’s family was teaming up against him.

“Goodnight, handsome man! I love you! Sleep well!”

“You’d think after being exposed to me for years that he would be a better liar under pressure,” Fixit commented as she tossed a piece of popcorn into her mouth.

“Yeah, but you also actively encouraged his spazzing tendencies…” Miles pointed out, munching on a massive handful of kettle corn.

“True…”

 

“Autobots, recon…”

“And…transform! Yes!”

Barricade raised a brow as the Autobots transformed and swarmed onto the lawn. “Subtle.”

“They’re Autobots, CadeCade. Most of ‘em don’t do subtle.”

“True…”

“Then again, neither do most Decepticons…”

“Fixit…”

“Shh, watching idiots make fools of themselves! Snark at each other later!”

“Sir yes sir!”

Barricade just scoffed.

 

Fixit and Miles burst out laughing as Optimus Prime crushed the fountain.

“Oops…sorry, my bad.”

 

“Oh no, look, Mojo-!” The albino pointed at a screen on the lower left.

Even Barricade laughed this time as the tiny Chihuahua peed on Ironhide’s pede.

“Primus, yes-!”

“You have a rodent infestation. Shall I terminate?”

**“No no no no no, this is a Chihuahua. He’s a pet. We love Chihuahuas…”** Fixit and Miles said along with Sam.

The ‘cop’ shook his head at them. “You lot are all creepy…”

“Yes, a Con thinks we’re creepy! That means-”

“-we’re ultra creepy! Yes!”

**“We rule!”**

“Glitches…”

 

“Okay, listen. You gotta listen to me! If my parents come out here and see you, they're going to freak. My mother's got a temper.”

“Sammy?”

“Crap, hide! Hide hide hide!”

“Sammy, what’s going on?”

“No no no no no, this isn’t hiding! That’s my backyard, not a truck stop!”

 

Barricade buried his face in his hands as his shoulders shook. Fixit and Miles were just dying of laughter as Ratchet staggered around after running into the power lines.

“Fraggin’…morons-!”

“Earthquake! Earthquake! Take cover!”

“How did you get over there so fast?”

Fixit joined Miles in rolling on the ground at Ron’s horrible acting. Though everyone else seemed to fall for it, for whatever reason…

 

“Quick, hide!” Optimus whisper-ordered.

“Hide? Where!?”

Miles and Fixit burst out laughing as the Autobots flattened themselves against the side of the house just in time, desperately trying to avoid being seen by the parents. Barricade facepalmed. If these were the best the Autobots had to offer, why the frag hadn’t the Decepticons won yet?!

 

“The parents are very irritating…”

“Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah…” Ratchet flapped his servo at the big black mech, trying to calm him down. He facepalmed quietly as Ironhide went on.

“Can I take them out?”

“Ironhide, you know we don’t harm humans! What is with you!?”

“Well, I’m just saying we could…it’s an option…” the mech grumbled, standing down at Optimus’ glare.

Fixit and Miles cackled merrily as Cade snorted. “Idiot.”

 

“Oh for Pete’s sake! You’re so defensive! Sammy…were you masturbating?”

Miles rolled on the floor in hysterics as Barricade and Fixit leaned on each other, shaking in laughter.

“Primus, I love that woman!” Fixit gasped in the cop’s shoulder.

“I see…why you like…her so much!” the mech gasped out, laughing harder as Judy continued to talk.

“Was I master... No, Mom!”

“Zip it, okay?” Ron begged his wife.

“It's okay...”

“No, I don't masturbate!”

“That's not something for you to bring up.”

“Okay…”

“That's a father-and-son thing, okay?”

“Father-son thing...” Sam moaned in embarrassment, covering his face. “Oh Primus, did Fixit put you up to this?”

Judy went on, heedless of her son’s mortification. “I mean, you don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable... you can call it Sam's happy time or...”

“Happy time?!”

Barricade wheezed, leaning heavily on Fixit. Miles started crying, he was laughing so hard.

“...my special alone time...”

“Judy, stop!” Ron pleaded, covering his ears.

“...with myself.”

“Mom, you can't come in and...”

“I'm sorry. It's just been a weird night. I've had a little bit to drink.”

“I love…that woman…so much!” Fixit gasped as Cade buried his face in her shoulder, shaking in muffled laughter. “My, breathe!”

“So…hard…” her son wheezed, getting far too much enjoyment out of his godbrother’s predicament.

 

“Gosh, you’re gorgeous. Isn’t that the prettiest girl?”

“Mom, she can hear you…”

“The one and only time Sam’ll have a girl willingly in his room…” Miles snarked, causing Fixit to snicker. Barricade managed to nail her with a piece of popcorn whilst she was distracted, snapping her attention back to their mini-snack fight.

 

Fixit growled darkly as the Sector Seven agents swarmed the house, snack fight forgotten. “If they hurt them…”

Miles hugged her legs. “It’ll be okay, mom. You said it turned out okay, remember?”

“Yeah, but I’m here now, and I could’ve changed something…”

“It’s fine, mom. You’re going to go get Ron and Judy as soon as the Autobots are out of range, right?”

“Yeah…”

“They’re not gonna hurt them. It’ll be okay…”

She just rumbled deeply as she glared at the screens, ignoring Barricade’s thoughtful frown.

“…you knew I was going after Ladiesman217 as well…how?” he said slowly, sitting up from where he was slouched into the couch.

Miles glanced up at his mom anxiously as she remained silent. She pursed her lips, glancing over at the holoform next to her.

“…before I tell you, you have to swear an oath that you won’t tell anyone.”

He stared at her. She looked back at him gravely.

 

Miles stared out the cruiser’s window in silence. Barricade hadn’t said a word since Fixit had told him why she was there. When it came time to go save the elder Witwickys, he had simply followed her instructions mutely, driving behind her as she flew on ahead.

“…how long have you known?”

The teenager started, glancing at the cruiser’s radio. “What?”

“How long have you known?”

“…about my mom being cybertronian, or about her being here to guard Sam?”

“…both.”

He sighed softly, leaning back into his seat. “I’ve always known she was a cybertronian- the first time we met her, she was hiding in Sam’s barn in her bipedal mode. Until yesterday, both Sam and I thought that his parents didn’t have a clue.”

“How…why did she adopt you?”

“My biological parents died in a hit-and-run. The driver was drunk. Fixit hacked the government’s files so that she would be listed as next primary guardian. She didn’t want me or the Witwickys to suffer through foster care.”

Barricade hummed thoughtfully as he drove. “Fixit just caught up to the vehicle. She’s engaging now, and will have the adults free by the time we arrive. So…”

Miles chuckled dryly. “When we were thirteen, Fixit took us to Japan. We went for a hike in the country somewhere- I don’t really remember where- and when we were like, halfway up a mountain, she stopped us and sat us down for a talk. She didn’t give us as much detail as she did you, but she did explain that she had been kidnapped and voluntold to babysit Sam. She also explained that she’d been doing everything she could think of to mess with the Primes’ plans short of harming any of us, and that she really did care about us. If she didn’t, she’d have taken her ire out on us in the form of non-stop pranking, which I shudder even to think about…”

The cruiser shivered as well. Fixit was bad enough with just 2-3 major pranks a week- her being pissed enough to pull one every day was just the stuff of nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting pranked by Fixit everyday…scary.  
> The scene where the Autobots swarm poor Sam’s house might be slightly out of order, but you can get the gist of it.


	8. Mission City

_“…so…you’re giving me permission to totally destroy their plans for this universe.”_

__

_**“…I have a feeling I’m going to regret this, but…yes. You have free reign.”**_

__

_“Yeeeeessssssssssssss…”_

__

_**“Yep, already regretting it.”**_

__

 

__

“You’ll bring my Sammy back safely?” Judy asked Fixit anxiously as she prepared to fly to Mission City, leaving the Witwickys and her son safely in Barricade’s care. The mech was leaning against the wall with crossed arms, watching her thoughtfully with Miles perched on his shoulder.

__

“I’ll bring them all back. I promise.”

__

 

__

Fixit screamed through the sky. She was in a hurry, but that didn’t stop her enjoyment of being able to soar through the skies once more.

__

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

__

 

__

She cursed to herself as she caught sight of Jazz being an idiot. Fraggin’ moron-!

__

“No, I want TWO!”

__

Megatron stumbled, losing his grip on the silver saboteur as he was shot in the shoulder from behind. He dropped Jazz, letting the mech fall to the city below as he spun to see his assailant…and just barely jerked back in time as an odd, streamlined blue-and-purple jet whipped past his helm, almost taking it off. It disappeared into the city, hiding itself from view. The warlord looked for it for a minute, but was eventually distracted by Optimus Prime’s arrival.

__

 

__

“Slaggin’ idiotic vending machine…oh yeah, I’m just going to go be a suicidal idiot and take on Megatron alone, never mind that the only ones who can survive doing that are Optimus Prime, Soundwave, and Starscream…and he lets Screamer live, for whatever reason…”

__

Jazz came out of his daze to irritated muttering and the feel of someone repairing him. But the voice wasn’t Ratchet’s…

__

He onlined his visor and started slightly at the sight of an odd-looking blue-and-purple winged cybertronian with dark crimson optics and medical apprentice insignia working on him. Then he cursed in pain as the movement jolted his sore midsection.

__

The mech casually wacked him gently upside the helm as he continued to work. “Don’t move, hairdryer. You’ll mess up what little repairs I’ve been able to do so far. Stupid irritating fragger…”

__

The saboteur watched the medic in silence, just studying him. A glint off of something on one of his twitching wings caught his attention and made him tense. The mech wacked him again.

__

“What part of stop that don’t you understand?!”

__

“Well…” the silver mech drawled warily. “Ah’m just havin’ a hard time figurin’ ou’ why a Con would care so much.”

__

The medic paused, looking at him oddly. “…how did you know I used to be a Decepticon?”

__

Jazz stared at him slightly incredulously. “…the insignia on ya wings?”

__

“That- wait, what? There’s insignia on my wings?” the dark mech craned his helm, trying to see. Then he swore as he caught sight of it. “Fraggit, there is insignia on my wings! Slag…okay, well, I know what I’m gonna be asking my son to do first thing when I get back home…”

__

“How did ya not know ya had insignia on ya wings? And-”

__

“-and I’m not telling you anything about my son, thank you very much. I shouldn’t even have mentioned him in the first place…stupid slaggin’ annoying habit of speaking m’thoughts aloud…”

__

The saboteur just stared at the winged mech incredulously.

__

“Right, you should be good for now ‘til your medic gets here and fixes your dumb aft…if you will excuse me, I’m off to pick up all the little Pit-spawns the fraggin’ moronic Allspark just created.”

__

“Wai'-!”

__

“Don’t worry, I’ll bring ‘em back here to you. I have my servos full just with my family, I can’t take care of the bitlets as well. See ya in a few!”

__

 

__

Jazz cursed as he tried to contact his comrades over the comm, only to discover it was broken. And given that the medic only patched him up enough to keep him alive for now, he couldn’t go anywhere. 

__

 

__

“And I see you moved, most likely ruining all the patch work I did on you. Lovely…”

__

Jazz looked up from where he was propped up against the wall just in time to have two little newsparks dumped on his lap. “Wha-?!”

__

“That one turns into an Xbox, and that one turns into a vending machine. Be careful with him, he likes shooting people with Mountain Dew…”

__

“Wai'-!” 

__

But the winged medic was already gone. Jazz stared apprehensively at the two bitlets in his lap. They stared back.

__

“…’sup, little ‘uns?”

__

 

__

“There, see? Your siblings are all safe with the Jazz-meister here…come on, it’s okay.”

__

Jazz started, whipping his helm around to look down the other side of the alley. Sure enough, the medic had returned, bringing with him a tiny spider-like mech and…a giant black mech. He tensed, servo hovering protectively over the two recharging bitlets in his lap.

__

“Who’s ya friend?” he drawled cautiously, keeping his optics on the unknown mech.

__

The winged mech wacked him lightly upside the helm with a wrench.

__

“Oi-!”

__

“He’s one of the newsparks, he turns into an SUV. The little skittery one is his steering wheel.”

__

“…oh.”

__

“Yeah, oh.”

__

 

__

The medic peered around the corner of the alley, his back to the saboteur, who had the younglings piled on and around him.

__

“Wait…is that Starscream?”

__

Jazz glanced up from petting the Xbox, causing it to whine and nudge his hand as he stopped. The silver mech obligingly resumed his petting as he asked the medic if he was referring to the jet hopping around the rooftops.

__

“So it is Starscream…” he stared a moment longer before turning, walking back over, and sitting down. Then he burst into hysterical muffled laughter, rolling on the ground. Everyone just stared at him.

__

“…ya okay?” the saboteur asked carefully, noting the concerned looks of the younglings.

__

“He…looks like…a mutant…Dorito!” the medic gasped out, giggling uncontrollably.

__

Jazz stared for a moment, looking up what a Dorito was. Slowly, he started laughing as well. “Oh Primus, ‘e does!”

__

 

__

“So…yeah, okay, Sam just shoved the Allspark into Megsy’s chest and offlined him. Screamer’s fled, the other Cons are all offlined, which means…my work here is done! Right, ta-ta ya idiotic blender, try not to offline yourself in the few minutes you have before Ratchet comes to pummel you with his wrench! Bye bitlets, see you later!”

__

“Wai', no-! Frag.” The younglings whined unhappily as they watched the medic transform and zoom off, leaving them alone with the silver saboteur.

__

“…well, frag. How’m Ah gonna explain this?”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How indeed, Jazz…how indeed.
> 
> Because my one big issue with the 2007 movie is that Bay kills off Jazz for no apparent reason. So, I saved him. Whoo! Go Jazz!
> 
> That being said, the first movie is the only one I’ve actually seen in its entirety. I’ve seen bits and pieces of the second, and I completely ignored the third. I do not like what Bay has done to Transformers.
> 
> But it does provide me with much material to mock…


	9. Aftermath

_“…hey Primus?”_

_**“Yes, youngling?”** _

_“Can I help punish the idiots?”_

 

“Is my Sammy okay?” Judy asked anxiously as Fixit walked through the doors of her house/converted warehouse/secret base.

“He’s slightly traumatized, but otherwise okay. For now.”

“What do you mean, ‘for now?’” Ron demanded, wrapping his arm around his wife’s waist.

Fixit vented heavily as she plopped down on the cybertronian-sized couch next to Barricade, plucking her son from his shoulder and cuddling him to her chest.  
“I mean, he was the one to shove the Allspark into Megatron’s chest. He was the one holding it when it disintegrated…and all that power has to go somewhere. Power can neither be created nor destroyed, only transformed. Oh hey, ha, transformed, ‘cause, ya know, cybertronians can transform…yeah, I’ll just shut up now.” She trailed off at Barricade’s flat look.

Judy leaned on the railing of the platform facing out at Fixit’s version of a living room. “Will it hurt him?”

“I don’t…think so, but…it’s definitely going to change him. It’s possible it could hurt him, but I promise you, I will do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“…well…I don’t know about Ronnie, but I definitely feel better knowing you’re looking out for my son, Fixit. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” she warned, settling Miles on her shoulder. “There’s very little I can do unless Sam actually tells me something’s wrong. And even then, there might not be anything I can do.”

 

“…Fixit?”

“Yeah CadeCade?” the Eradicon hummed as she carefully deposited the sleeping Miles in his bed.

“Can we talk?”

She paused, venting heavily, but lead him from the room and down the corridor into her lab. Fixit walked over to her worktable, turning to lean against it with crossed arms as she patiently waited for the uneasy cop car to begin.

“Is-”

“The room’s secure.”

It was Barricade’s turn to vent as he glanced around the room. Finally, he looked her in the optics.

“Starscream got away,” he said bluntly, stating a fact more than asking.

She inclined her helm. The Eradicon had a feeling she knew where this was going, but was leaving it up to the cruiser to ask.

He cycled his vents idly as he thought. “…he’s probably going to declare me a traitor for not showing up to the battle.”

“Sounds like Starscream,” she agreed, wings shifting softly.

He pinned her with an irritated glare. “You’re going to make me ask, aren’t you?”

“I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings, Barricade.” He started slightly at the steely undertone to her voice. “I will not tolerate any betrayal.”

The cruiser looked away from her hard gaze. “…I understand. I…”

Fixit waited calmly.

“…I request to join you as a Neutral under your protection. I am officially defecting from the Decepticons.”

“Will you agree to follow my rules?”

“…what are they?”

“Family comes first. Anyone under my protection is also automatically under yours.”

“Understood.”

“If you kill anything or anyone, have a very good reason for it. I will not tolerate senseless violence.”

“…you’re not going to forbid me from killing humans?”

“That would be hypocritical. But the only reasoning I will always accept for such an act is either self-defense, or elimination of a legitimate and/or imminent threat to the family or yourself.”

“…understood.”

“Never, ever, hurt a youngling or a noncombatant of any species.”

“Understood.”

“If you break the law, don’t get caught.”

“…seriously?”

“There are very few laws I personally haven’t broken, so why would I have a problem with you breaking them?”

“But all your lectures to Miles…”

“He’s my son. And human. You’re neither of those things, and you’ve been taking care of yourself for a long time. You’re a grown mech. I don’t need to teach you morals, you already have them. Even if you choose to ignore them most of the time."

He chuckled reluctantly. “Fair enough. Is that it?”

“…yeah, pretty much. That’s all I can think of now, anyways. So?”

“…I agree to all your rules.”

“Right then! Welcome to the family, CadeCade! Let’s go get you settled in your room…”

“What’s wrong with the room I’m staying in now?”

“That’s for guests. Rooms for family are much nicer. And safer.”

“…lead on, then, sir.”

“Don’t you dare call me that! No ‘respectful’ titles, nothing! Just because I’m responsible for your actions now doesn’t mean I want you to treat me like I am unless the situation calls for it! Got it?!”

“…”

“…”

“…Sir yes sir!”

“Barricade!”

He laughed as Fixit chased him down the hall.

 

“What do you mean you don’t know where my parents are!?” Sam yelled at the sheepish-looking Simmons. All the Autobots were all looming behind the boy and his new girlfriend, glaring at the agent- even the half-repaired Jazz, who was covered in bitlets and had a black SUV clinging desperately to his servo.

“We took your parents into custody, but…they never made it to the secure location. We just recently found the remains of the convoy, along with the unconscious agents who were up in a tree. But there was no sign of your parents. Whatever NBE destroyed the convoy took them as well.”

Sam swallowed hard, clutching Mikaela’s hand desperately as Lennox squeezed his shoulder. “What, what do you mean ‘whatever NBE?!’”

“The vehicles were stepped on,” Simmons said gravely, lips compressed into a thin line. “Completely crushed.”

Bumblebee whined worriedly as Sam staggered over to a seat, Mikaela following him. “So…so my parents are…”

“Either dead or hostages of this unknown NBE,” the agent confirmed. He jumped nervously when Ironhide growled, causing Epps to smirk slightly.

“I say we slag the slagger-”

He was interrupted by Sam’s phone cheerfully belting out ‘Barbie Girl’ at full volume. Everyone paused, staring at him as the teenager turned bright red, fumbling for his cell as he cursed people named Fixit and Miles with a surprisingly wide vocabulary.

“What!?”

“Sammy! Are you okay!?” 

“MOM!?!”

The gathered Autobots and humans shot to attention, everyone shuffling closer to eavesdrop better.

“Mom, are you okay, what happened!?”

“Fixit and CadeCade rescued us, and then CadeCade guarded us while Fixit took off to Mission City to check up on you. Now what’s this about you shoving a cube into a genocidal alien robot’s chest?”

Sam choked as everyone’s jaws dropped. What!?

“You- what- Auntie Fixit was in Mission City!?”

“Of course she was. She’s always at the center of trouble, remember?”

“OI!!!” cried a female voice in the background of the call, accompanied by male laughter. “I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!!!”

“HUSH YOU! LET ME TALK TO MY SON!”

“HE’S MY GODSON!”

“YOU SAW HIM IN MISSION CITY, I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM SINCE THOSE GOVERNMENT BASTARDS TOOK HIM AWAY! NOW WHUP THE BOYS’ ASSES WHILST I CHECK ON MY SON!”

“MA’AM YES MA’AM!”

“Right then, are you okay Sammie?” Judy asked sweetly, ignoring the indignant male cries in the background as the woman whooped in victory.

Sam just held his face in his hand as everyone around him stared in disbelief. He had the craziest family ever…

 

OUTTAKE

“Yo, Ratch! Down ‘ere!”

“Jazz, you idiotic fragger, what did you-!”

The CMO stopped in his tracks at the sight of the silver saboteur. He reset his optics a couple of times.

“…Jazz?”

“…yeah?”

“…why are there younglings crawling all over your half-scrapped frame?”

Jazz leaned away warily at the medic’s perfectly calm tone. “Uh…”

“…”

“…an ex-Con apprentice-level medic with wings that saved my life dumped them on me?”

“…”

“…”

The Hatchet finally exploded. “WHAT THE FRAG, JAZZ!?!”

The bitlets all scrambled to hide behind the cringing saboteur as the CMO’s voice echoed through the devastated city as he railed at the silver mech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Jazz…maybe you shouldn’t have been so blunt with the Hatchet…


	10. Reunion and First Impressions

_**“I was planning on enlisting your assistance. You are very…creative, when it comes to punishing misbehavior.”** _

 

“Okay, sweetie, we’ll see you soon! Here’s Fixit, talk to her while CadeCade takes us back to the house so the soldiers can pick us up,” Judy told Sam as she handed the phone over to the albino. “Bye, Fix, thanks.”

“No prob, Judy. Shoo, go meet your escort so you can scold all the idiotic boys,” Fixit flapped her hand at the woman.

Judy gave her a quick hug before trotting down to get into Barricade’s back seat with Ron, seeing as Miles had called shotgun. They were going to drop Mojo off at a doggy daycare before they headed over to their house.

“Remember Cade, drop them off and come right back!”

The cruiser revved his engine irritably, tearing out of the doors with a screech. Fixit laughed before turning her attention back to the phone.

“Still with me, Sammy?”

“…auntie?”

“Yes, Pit-spawn?”

“Why exactly aren’t you coming too?”

“I have to leave in fifteen minutes for China on business. Remember?”

“Oh, is it really that time already? Wow…um…”

“Yes Sam, what is it?”

“There’s…someone here who would like to talk to you…”

“If it’s Simmons, kick him in the balls. Anyone else, sure!”

She snickered at the indignant yelp and muffled laughter that drifted over the phone.

“I take it I’m on speaker?”

“What- how do you always know that!?”

“I am ninja-”

“Ninja awesome, yes, I know.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…sorry.”

The albino huffed irritably. “Little brat, always interrupting me…so, once upon a time, there lived a boy and his stuffed raccoon-”

“FIXIT!!!” Sam yelped in alarm. “SHUT UP!!!”

“-and this little raccoon decided to take a walk one day-”

“No no no no no no no no-!”

“-but he didn’t want to go alone, so he asked his friend to come with him-”

She could hear Sam desperately trying to get her to shut up…and then his companions stole the phone, telling her quickly to keep talking before they began playing monkey in the middle with said phone.

“Now, these two adventurers were full of energy! But unfortunately, neither of them had a very good sense of direction…”

“FIXIT!!!” Sam wailed as his guardian devil continued talking. “BEE, HELP!!!”

“-and after braving the horrors of the slime spawner (aka the neighbors’ swimming pool), the raccoon and the boy were determined to find a way to eradicate the nasty slimes from existence-”

There was a crunching noise, and the call cut off. Fixit blinked, pulling the phone away from her ear to stare at it…and then broke down laughing. She would bet almost anything that Bumblebee had just accidentally crushed the phone in his attempts to help!

 

“No, Bee! I just wanted you to hack the call and end it, not crush my phone!” Sam mourned, cradling the remains of his phone sadly.

Bumblebee whirred apologetically at him as Jazz, Epps, and Fig laughed their afts off in the background.

 

Barricade dropped the Witwickys plus Miles off at their house. He slammed his doors, nearly catching Miles’ foot, and tore out of there. He didn’t want to get caught by the Autobots’ allies.

Plus, he had records to hack…

 

“Sammy!”

Sam went ‘oof,’ flailing his arms as his mother practically tackled him in a flying hug. Ron hurried over to his son, but gave the six vehicles sitting in the room suspicious looks- especially the silver Pontiac Solstice that was shaking slightly on its tires.

Miles totally ignored the tearful, noisy reunion that was Judy fussing over her son- and the hot girl muffling her giggles as she watched the show- in favor of wandering over to the gorgeous vehicles. 

He whistled at the black GMC Topkick.

“Slag, you’re a big guy. Better not let Mom see you, she’d have a fit about how bad you are for the environment.”

Next, he moved to the beat-up silver Solstice and the black SUV parked practically on top of it.

“Damn, what happened to you? Didja get run over by that guy? Too bad. I bet you’ll be gorgeous after Mom gets ahold of you…”

He brought up a hand to shield his eyes from the Search-and-Rescue Hummer.

“Sweet Primus, were you painted by a color-blind maniac? Or did Mom get ahold of you and use you in one of her pranks?”

“I don’t think she’s ever had a Hummer. She dislikes the waste,” Judy said as she dragged her boys and Mikaela over, ignoring the way the Hummer twitched slightly at Miles’ language.

“True…fraaaaag. Check out this Peterbilt 379, Auntie! Damn!”

“Language, Miles. And you’re right, that is a nice truck. Although the flame decals are kind of cliché…”

Sam just buried his face in his hands as Ron rolled his eyes.

“I thought we came here to scold the aliens, not admire their alt. modes,” he sighed as he watched Miles and his wife coo over the semi.

The vehicles all jerked in unison, Mikaela and the few soldiers who had joined them whipping their heads around to stare at the man.

“Uncle Roooooon!”

“Ronnie, stop spoiling our fun!”

Sam whined miserably as his godbrother and mother complained. “Why me?”

“Fixit is such a bad influence on all of you…” Ron groaned, grabbing Judy and Miles and pulling them away from the semi. “He can’t transform with you that close, remember?” he told them when they whined.

“Bah, logic. Who needs logic?” Miles scowled, crossing his arms and pouting.

Judy opened her mouth to say something, but was distracted by the Autobots transforming.

“Oh wow,” she said as she stared up at Optimus Prime. “He’s much bigger than CadeCade, isn’t he?”

“Auntie, CadeCade’s shorter than the average cybertronian. Just like that Solstice!”

“OI!” Jazz protested. “Ah’m not tha’ short!”

“Wait wait wait, CadeCade’s a cybertronian?” Sam asked, glancing between his mom and godbrother.

“Yep, both he and Fritz! Although we don’t really know where Fritz is right now…” Miles trailed off unhappily, prompting Judy to give him a hug.

“You’ve already had contact with other cybertronians!?” Ratchet asked incredulously as he scanned them. “Hmm, no injuries…”

“Don’t do that! Primus…” Miles trailed off, rubbing his arms as he shivered. “I hate it when you lot just randomly scan me…”

“Of course we’ve already had contact,” Judy said, glaring up at the CMO. “Why do you think we didn’t freak out when Fixit and CadeCade rescued us from those nasty government agents? We’ve known about you lot for years!”

“Which NBE did you have contact with?” Simmons cut in, stepping forward.

“What? Oh, it’s you!”

“Yes yes, now which NBE did you- FUCK!!!” he screamed as Judy kicked him in the balls.

“That was for Mojo,” she huffed as Ron pulled her away from the whimpering man.

Jazz, Sam, Miles, Mikaela, and most of the soldiers burst into muffled laughter. Ironhide and Ratchet both snorted as Optimus suppressed a laugh.

“Mrs. Witwitcky, that was unnecessary,” the Prime scolded half-heartedly.

“Was too necessary…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go Judy!


	11. Barricade's New Job

_**“That is just- why would you purposely try to make this universe so messed up!?”** _

_“Because they’re twisted moronic idiots that enjoy playing god a little too much.”_

_**“Whilst I would normally automatically disregard anything that comes out of your mouth, youngling…this time, you have a point.”** _

 

“HOME SWEET HOME!!!” Fixit announced dramatically as she burst through the doors to her lair.

“Right, I’m out of here,” Barricade said promptly, preparing to make a run for it. The Eradicon scowled at him.

“MOM!”

“MILES!”

The cop car huffed irritably as Fixit swooped her son up into her arms, accidentally-on-purpose blocking the exit and trapping the cruiser inside. Resigning himself to his fate, he plopped back down on the couch, crossing his arms in the process.

 

“So have we found something to do?”

“Yep.”

“…dare I ask what?”

Barricade grinned evilly. “Well…”

 

Miles looked up from his homework as his mom burst out in hysterical laughter down the hall.

What-? Oh. CadeCade must’ve told her about his new job.

The teen grinned. CadeCade was going to have so much fun messing with the Autobots…

 

“I don’t know, Jazz. Auntie Fixit’s incredibly busy with work right now, even Miles has barely seen her the past couple of weeks. I don’t think she’s going to have time to meet you guys anytime soon.”

The silver saboteur vented in disappointment. He really wanted to meet the albino- Judy had been telling him stories about the woman, and she sounded really fun! Plus, maybe she, like Judy and Sarah Lennox, could help him briefly escape the bitlets that had apparently claimed him as their own personal jungle gym…

Also, he really wanted to know how and why her son and the Witwickys used Cybertronian curse words.

 

Bumblebee was sitting in the parking lot of Sam and Mikaela’s high school, waiting for them to get out. He was idly tuning the radio for lack of anything better to do, bar the occasional scan of his surroundings for threats. Not that he was expecting to find anything- wait, what?!

He jumped on his tires as a police cruiser with tinted windows pulled up and passed behind him. It bore the emblem of the L.A. Police Department, but the motto under it wasn’t _‘To Serve And Protect.’_ Instead, it was _‘To Punish And Enslave.’_

Bee tensed in preparation for an attack, frantically radioing the other Autobots…and the cruiser completely ignored him, simply making another pass around the school before moving on.

The Camaro was left mentally gaping after it. What just happened?

 

Barricade snickered as he drove away from the school, careful to keep his holoform from reflecting his mirth. He could practically feel the Autobit’s bewilderment. Frag, this was possibly going to be even more fun than he thought!

 

“Why the frag wouldn’t Barricade attack?” Ratchet asked in confusion after Bee had been debriefed.

“…mebbe he was just scoutin’? Although Ah dunno why he’d show ‘imself to Bee, in tha’ case…”

“Regardless of Barricade’s intent, we must be on guard. His presence here is a threat to our human allies,” Optimus stated solemnly. “Ratchet, you must help Ironhide and I patrol Tranquility in place of Jazz.”

“What!? Nah, Ah can still-”

“Absolutely not!” Ratchet snapped, brandishing his wrench threateningly at the saboteur. “You can barely transform!”

“Besides, Ah think t’ newsparks would throw ah fit without ya here…” Ironhide drawled, causing Jazz to glower at him.

“Tha’s exactly why Ah want ta escape…” the silver mech pouted, glaring as Ratchet and Optimus did a poor job of hiding their amusement.

 

Barricade had a hard time not cackling in joy as a yellow and black Camaro sped past him, going twenty miles over the speed limit. He turned on his sirens and gleefully chased after the Autobot scout.

The other mech pulled over, the cruiser coming up and parking a little too close for comfort behind him. The cop car was very careful not to let the scout see his side decals just yet…

His holoform, who’s nametag read ‘C. Berri,’ walked up and tapped on the tinted glass. Reluctantly, the Camaro rolled down his window, revealing a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy who looked like he could be a Senior in high school wearing a yellow-and-black hoodie.

“Do you know how fast you were going, son?” ‘Cade Berri’ scowled at the teen intimidatingly.

 

Barricade had his holoform get back into the car before turning his engine back on, leaving the ashamed Autobot scout with a ticket and the maximum possible fine. He revved his engine smugly as he passed by, and heard the scout’s engine sputter as he realized just who had pulled him over.

The cruiser indulged himself in a quiet cackle at the horrified and bewildered air surrounding the Camaro.

 

“He pulled you over for speeding, gave you a ticket, and then just drove away!?”

 

Barricade suppressed a happy squeal as a modified black GMC Topkick truck ran a red light right in front of him. Sirens springing to life, he roared after the truck.

 

Will groaned, thumping his head against the dashboard as the holoform next to him scowled down at the ticket.

“We’re so totally screwed…” the soldier moaned. They had been given explicit instructions not to attract attention, and what do they do? Attract attention.

“Slaggin’ cop…should’a shown ‘im my cannons…” Ironhide grumbled, his holoform aiming a glare at the cop as he pulled out from behind them. Then the mech choked, causing Will to yelp as the truck jumped under him.

“Ironhide, what-!?”

“That’s Barricade!”

“What!?” Will whipped his head around just in time to read the slogan on the cop car before it turned a corner and was lost in the city.

_To Punish And Enslave._

 

Ratchet grumbled to himself as he sat in the hospital parking lot. Ironhide and Will were supposed to have been here three breems ago to take over patrol, but they had yet to show. 

A cop car pulled up and parked next to the grumbling Hummer, but the CMO was too busy plotting revenge on the black truck to notice.

A breem passed by, the cruiser next to the Hummer growing more and more amused as the death threats continued. Autobot though the medic might be, he certainly was inventive. The black and white found himself taking notes to share later with Fixit once she got back from Japan or Nepal or something. Wherever she was right now.

 

Barricade counted down mentally, his holoform grinning like a maniac. Just a few more seconds, and…!

He hissed in triumph before composing his holoform’s features and letting it get out. ‘Cade Berri’ walked over to the driver’s door of the Hummer his cruiser was parked next to and tapped on it.

The muttered death threats immediately ceased. Officer Berri carefully kept a blank face as he was scrutinized intensely. Finally, the window of the Hummer rolled down.

“Can I help you, officer?” the red-headed, older Caucasian male wearing a doctor’s white coat asked carefully. His intensely blue eyes flashed behind the officer as the man shifted, leading the doctor to stiffen as he read the motto on the man’s cruiser.

“Yes, Dr…?”

“…Athey. Ray Athey.”

“Dr. Athey. You do realize your vehicle has been parked in a fifteen minute parking zone for almost half an hour, yes?”

The obnoxiously-colored Hummer jerked as the holoform looked startled, like that wasn’t what he was expecting. “I…no, I did not.”

“I see. In that case, if you could please relocate your vehicle immediately. This was obviously an oversight on your part, and I am not particularly fond of ticketing mechs- pardon, men- who could possibly be working on my dying body someday.”

‘Dr. Athey’ stared dumbly at ‘Officer Berri,’ his mouth open slightly. The cop arched a dark eyebrow, tilting his head slightly.

“Are you alright, doctor?”

“...yes, yes, perfectly fine,” the redhead frowned thoughtfully at the cop. “I’ll just…get on that, then.”

“Thank you, doctor. Have a good day.”

Ratchet moved forward, sliding into a different spot without a time limit, never fully taking his attention off the cruiser as it pulled out of the parking lot, blending into the midday traffic and disappearing into the city.

“What the slag just happened?”

Barricade waited until he was out of sensor range to pull over and burst into laughter. Oh sweet Primus, this was so much fun! He couldn’t wait to show Fixit the recordings he pulled from the CCTVs! Not to mention the button camera he got the Shorties to help pin on his collar!

Now, where was Prime…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the chapter! XD
> 
> For those of you who are confused about what Cade’s new job is, exactly…he’s a ‘transfer’ from L.A. to the Tranquility Police Department. Meaning he’s an official cop on the force…
> 
> …and all those tickets he gave them are valid.


	12. Taking It Too Far

Jazz groaned in misery as the newsparks practically tackled him. Seriously, he had only been gone for a breem so Ratchet could check him over before he left, but the way they were acting, it was like he had been gone for cycles!

As if it wasn’t bad enough he’d been stuck here whilst his comrades went to investigate exactly what the frag Barricade thought he was doing pretending to be part of the police (even if they didn’t get anywhere, seeing as he was apparently legitimately employed as a Liaison to the Tranquility Police Department by GreenTech…where Miles’ mother Fixit apparently worked…hmm)…he was stuck with bitlets hanging off of him practically all the time!

It was nearly impossible to pry the little (and not-so-little) ones off of him. The longest he had been free of them after that ex-Con dumped them on him in Mission City was exactly one local solar cycle.

It was driving him insane! A mech needed some privacy, sometimes!

Thankfully, Judy Witwicky and Sarah Lennox had recently succeeded in gaining the bitlets' trust, but being human, they could only take care of them for so long. But it was long enough that he could go with Prime and the others on the upcoming two cycle trip to check out a potential base in Oregon, especially since Ratchet would be staying.

Judy seemed certain that Fixit, Miles’ mother and Sam’s godmother, would be able to help more, though.

Jazz publicly hoped for her to succeed, but privately was of the opinion that she would have to be a slagging miracle-worker to get his personal leeches less dependent on him.

 

Barricade grumbled to himself as he sat on the side of the road in his alt. mode, glaring at the flame-decaled semi as it passed by. He’d been tailing the Prime for cycles now, but had he caught the mech breaking any rules? Noooo, of course not. Fraggin’ goody-two shoes…

 

Miles looked up from the massive screen he was playing Halo on as his new guardian stomped in irritably. The cop car flung himself onto the couch the teen was perched on the back of, making the human bounce slightly from the impact.

“Sup, CadeCade?” Miles inquired, wondering what had put the mech in such a bad mood. Especially since Fixit was over in India, thereby eliminating her as a cause.

“It’s the fraggin’ Prime! I can’t catch him doing anything!” Barricade snarled, sulkily glaring at the screen. “And you’re gonna die.”

Miles yelped as he desperately tried to get Master Chief out of the way of the rocket. He failed miserably.

Cade snickered as the teen cussed out the screen, clearly having learned well from his mother.

 

Miles shot up in bed as an idea came to him. Yes! That would totally cheer his guardian up!

 

“Barricade! I have an idea!”

The cruiser jumped as the teen slammed the human-sized door to his room open in the middle of the night, almost falling off his berth.

“Wha-?!”

 

The black and white mech stared at his charge, who was practically vibrating in excitement.

“That…is pure genius! You evil slagger! We can get both of them with this!” Barricade scooped Miles up, swinging him around briefly before heading out to prepare for their evil plan.

 

The cruiser snarled to himself. Why the frag did Fixit have to have such good security around her hazardous supplies?

 

“Wow. You’re right, there’s no radiation leaking whatsoever. I can’t even sense the case is there.”

“Yeah, mom developed it to transport hazardous material easier, but she hasn’t gotten around to mass producing it yet. Something about too much potential for abuse…”

“…I can see that. Terrorists would go nuts for this. Of course, that’s what we’re counting on…”

 

Marie ‘Fixit’ Callahan collapsed onto the couch in her hotel room in India, pulling off her orange ski mask as she did so. She ran a tired hand through her white hair tiredly, closing her red eyes and leaning her head against the pillows.

“Urgh, stupid people…why did I agree to this deal, again? Bleh…”

After lounging quietly for several minutes, she finally roused herself enough to pull out her phone. Miles had called in the middle of her meeting to leave a message. Undoubtedly it was about Barricade’s frustration with not being able to catch Prime…

She jackknifed up from the couch, eyes wide in horror as she listened to their plan to frame Prime. Those morons! That was taking it too far!

 

“High-ho, to bugging mechs we go!” Miles proclaimed cheerfully as he jumped into Bumblebee’s backseat. He, Sam, and Mikaela were off to help scout the Autobots’ potential new base in Oregon for the weekend. He was so busy chatting with them that he didn’t notice his phone going off as Fixit desperately tried to call him, especially since it was on silent.

 

Barricade sat by the side of the road. The Autobot scout bristled warily as he passed the shock trooper by, but soon disappeared off into the distance.

The cruiser grinned mentally. And so it began…

 

Fixit cursed as she tried and failed to get ahold of Barricade. Little did she know he and Miles had ‘accidentally’ damaged his long-range comm during their weekly paintball war…

 

“Please? I don’t want to have to sit awkwardly in the back whilst my godbrother flirts with Mikaela…”

Miles practically bounced in glee as Optimus Prime, amused, agreed to give the teen a ride. He and Jazz (who wanted a little extra freedom before he had to face the undoubtedly upset younglings) were both coming back to Tranquility with the humans and Bee. This way he could ask the Prime so many questions! And plant the evidence, but whatever…

 

Barricade bounced slightly on his wheels in gleeful anticipation as the three Autobots came into view over the horizon. Yessss, it was almost time…

 

Miles suppressed a snicker as the Autobots slowed warily at the sight of his guardian sitting on the side of the road. Bumblebee moved to the furthest lane, Optimus following him as Jazz moved protectively between them and the ex-Con.

“Why is Jazz being guard?” the teen wondered aloud. “Didn’t the Hatchet threaten to offline him if he got hurt again anytime soon?”

The silver Solstice winced guiltily, but quickly tensed again as the cop car pulled out to drive alongside them, tailing the saboteur.

Taking advantage of the Prime’s focus on the ex-Con, Miles slipped the slim silver case out of his backpack and under the seat, into the only place large enough that the case would remain intact even if the mech transformed.

The Autobots kept trying to comm the cruiser, but he ignored all attempts at contact. Finally, once they reached the town, Barricade peeled off, leaving some very unnerved beings behind. Miles had a very hard time suppressing his laughter as Sam commented on how creepy the cruiser was.

 

Fixit snarled to herself as she jetted across the ocean, flying just meters above the water to avoid detection on radar. She was going to strangle those idiots once she got home and fixed their mess…

 

“Tranquility Police Department, how may I help you?”

Barricade snickered mentally as he talked, his voice obviously disguised. Fixit was going to murder them for this, but it was going to be so totally worth it. 

 

“The femmes sound totally bad-aft! Frag, I hope some of them end up on Earth!” Miles said as they pulled up to the Witwicky house.

Optimus’s holoform chuckled wistfully. “So do I, Miles. So do I.”

The teen paused, then smiled softly, patting the dashboard. “I’m sure you’ll see him again, OP.” He didn’t give the startled semi a chance to respond, immediately moving on. “Thanks for the ride, dude! See you later!”

The holoform watched him slide out of the cab in bemusement. He chuckled when Miles immediately moved to tackle Sam, making the boy yelp indignantly and Mikaela laugh.

Jazz chuckled. “’e’s pretty perceptive, for all ‘e acts like an idiot a’ times…”

“…that he is. According to Mrs. Witwicky, it’s a trait he shares with his mother.”

“Somehow Ah’m not surprised…”

The three cybertronians watched fondly as the human children played. Mikaela then dragged out the hose to dose the boys unexpectedly, making them scream at the cold as the onlookers laughed.

And as the semi shook in laughter, a small silver case sat innocently, tucked under his seat.

 

Optimus was growing suspicious as he patrolled Tranquility. Usually Barricade showed up to tail him within the first fifteen minutes, but it had been almost forty-five minutes, and there had been no sign of him.

The semi turned a corner, and was immediately surrounded by cops.

“Exit the vehicle immediately! You are under arrest!”

…what?

 

Optimus’ holoform- aka Orion Paxton- sat cuffed in a holding room in the police station twenty minutes later, looking utterly bewildered. He had no idea why he had been arrested, but suspected Barricade was involved.

Thankfully, he had been ambushed close enough to the police station that his holoform wasn’t in danger of disappearing due to distance. Although he suspected that also wasn’t a coincidence.

He had contacted his team and NEST already, but there wasn’t a whole lot they could do right now without risking their cover. The Prime was on his own…for now.

 

Orion looked up as the door to the room opened almost an hour later, revealing a sheepish-looking officer.

“Sorry about the misunderstanding, sir,” she stated as she crossed the room to take off the cuffs. “We got an anonymous tip about a terrorist threat, and when we found the plutonium case under your truck’s seat, well…”

“Plutonium!?” the holoform started, staring at the officer in surprise as she lead him out of the room.

“Yep. You took the wrong case by accident, idiot. I distinctly remember saying the blue and silver case was the one containing my son’s present, not the plain silver…”

Orion looked up and flinched at the almost blinding neon colors. Then he frowned.

“Ms. Callahan?” he asked in bafflement. What was the world-famous inventor and CEO of GreenTech doing here? Wasn't she supposed to be in India?

The brightly-clothed figure moved in such a way that it was evident she was rolling her eyes. “How many times to I have to tell you to call me Marie, Orion? Honestly, you and your men have been working directly under me for years now, I think you’ve earned the right to call me by my first name. Silly bastard…”

Optimus was utterly confused, but schooled his expression into one of neutrality when the officer glanced at him.

“You’re free to go, sir. Just…make sure you’ve got the right package next time?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll personally make sure of it. Come on, you, let’s go. I’ve got meetings to get back to, and you’ve got a present to deliver…” Marie interjected, grabbing hold of Orion’s arm and pulling him along. She dragged him outside and over to his alt. mode, attempting to shove him inside.

“Ms. Callahan, what-?”

“Just get in and go already! You’re in the clear, ask Fixit for more details later. She's the one who alerted me what was going on. Now I need to go yell at Barricade before I have to go back to India, so shoo!”

In his shock, Optimus let her push his holoform back into his alt. mode, and was unable to prevent the inventor from running off.

What the frag just happened!?

...well, at least they now knew Ms. Callahan was aware of the existence of cybertronians.

 

Fixit stalked into the warehouse, immediately spotting the hysterical pair practically dying on the couch.

**“WHAT THE FRAG WERE YOU THINKING, YOU SLAG-HELMED, GLITCHING MORONIC GO-KARTS!?!”** she roared furiously, deep voice echoing throughout the entire home.

Barricade and Miles both jumped, whirling around to face her guiltily.

“Everything went according to plan!” the shock trooper said hastily, leaping to his pedes as the Eradicon opened her mouth to continue her tirade.

She snapped her optics shut, balling her fists at her sides as she vented steadily and deliberately.

Miles edged over to his guardian, who scooped him up, holding him against his chest plates defensively.

“What do you mean everything went according to plan.” Fixit stated flatly, clearly indicating that they needed to answer quickly and concisely or suffer the consequences.

“We, we didn’t just prank Prime,” the teen began, eyeing his mom nervously. He’d never seen her this mad before. “We pranked you too. I knew you’d come bail Prime out eventually, we were counting on it.”

The Eradicon opened her optics just slightly, slits of furious dark crimson glaring at them.

The two conspirators fidgeted anxiously as she remained silent.

“…we had a back-up plan in case you didn’t show up soon?” Barricade offered sheepishly.

Silence.

“…and the Autobots’ reactions were really funny?” Miles stated hesitantly.

Silence.

The two drooped in unison. “…we’re totally dead, aren’t we?”

“…the only reason I am not going to make you wish you were offline is because, despite how pissed I am, this was a brilliant plot and I am in awe of the effort you put into this. However, that does not keep me from being absolutely furious with the both of you!”

They whimpered as Fixit stalked forward to loom over them.

_“You are going to take my punishments and not whine about them at all, are we understood!?”_

_**“Sir yes sir!”**_

 

Barricade slumped miserably on his wheels as he drove morosely down Main Street, people stopping to gape and/or laugh at the cruiser.

Fixit had given him a makeover. Now, he was bright sparkly pink- in place of black- and shimmering purple- in place of white- with the markings on his alt. mode in various shades of bright blue and gold.

And just to complete his misery, the entirety of the Autobots on Earth came rolling down the street from the opposite direction, having all gathered in Tranquility when Prime was arrested. People didn’t even notice the shaking vehicles doing a poor job of muffling their laughter- Barricade’s new paint job was that distracting!

 

Miles paled, getting a very bad feeling as he realized Fixit had signed him up to volunteer at a local animal clinic- one that specialized in rehabilitating and returning animals to the wild.

He fainted when he realized she had specifically requested for him to work with the squirrels…

_…for the next year._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason the Autobots don't just transform and attack Barricade is because he's very careful to stay in highly public areas, where transforming would expose them and/or harm the hapless bystanders.
> 
> And of course, Fixit helped with that by providing a map of the safest areas for him to stick to.


	13. Arriving In Style

_**“That is not a good idea! A good idea would be-”** _

_“-a Pollo Papaya Pizza Pie!”_

_**“Yes, exact- wait, what?”** _

 

“You did what?”

“I know, isn’t it a brilliant idea? Sarah helped me with it a lot, of course…”

“That…sounds incredibly awesome, actually. There are so many things I could do with that…”

“Nothing too disruptive or traumatizing, please. Or anything that exposes the Bots.”

“…easy enough since I won’t be there…”

“What do you mean, you won’t be there!”

“I’m in Denmark all week for the international conference, remember? I can’t make it…can you just reschedule? I want to come so badly…”

“No, we cannot reschedule. Do you have any idea how hard it was getting approval for this in the first place, much less making sure most everyone could come?”

“If it’s anything like some of the projects I’ve overseen in the past…”

“It was horrible! There was so much paperwork-”

“…particularly if Roombas were involved…”

“-and they just kept sneering at us and deliberately trying to mislead us-”

“…especially if there was ANYTHING potentially explosive in the slightest…”

“-I don’t know what we would’ve done if the Bots hadn’t been so willing to help us, especially Mr. Prime-”

“…fraggin’ irritating spawn of a cuckoo clock and a malfunctioning wind tunnel…”

“-I think the Bots helped primarily because they want to meet you so badly-”

“…if I ever get back I’ll immediately ban them all from going anywhere near anything potentially explosive…”

“-and you haven’t even been listening for the past minute, have you?”

“…maybe a Roomba alarm, something to let people know to duck and cover anytime one of them goes near possible explosive material…”

“FIXIT!”

“What!?”

“PAY ATTENTION!”

“Ma’am yes ma’am!”

“Now then, I will see you on Saturday-”

“But Judy, I’m busy-!”

“MARIE FIXIT CALLAHAN-WITWICKY! YOU WILL ATTEND THIS DINNER IF I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE AND DRAG YOUR SHINY, OVER-SIZED AFT BACK HERE MYSELF! UNDERSTOOD!?”

_“MA’AM YES MA’AM!”_

“Okay then, see you soon sweetie!”

Judy hung up, leaving Fixit cowering on the couch in her hotel room.

“Primus, that woman scares me sometimes…”

 

“Picnic, picnic, picnic,” Miles sang as Fixit drove them to the base. Judy had organized the picnic as a way for the albino to finally meet the Autobots, seeing as she had been busy with work for the past nine months since Mission City. Marie Callahan was incredibly involved in the rebuilding. (And so was Fixit, as an ‘employee’ of GreenTech.)

Of course, once Judy had brought it up to Sarah Lennox, the previously small picnic had turned into a formal gathering of pretty much the entirety of the newly-established NEST. (Marie was also one of the alliance’s biggest supporters, and was involved in getting way more countries than just the USA, UK, and Australia into said alliance. Which was yet another demand on her time…)

“Now then, my son…” Fixit began, catching Miles’ attention. “Shall we arrive in style?”

“Frag yes!”

 

“Aunt Judy!” Miles called, waving to her from across the room as he and Fixit walked in.

“Miles! Fixit! Get your shiny afts over here!”

Sam groaned in mortification as his godbrother and guardian devil sauntered over to them, everyone in the vicinity gaping.

“Why me?” he whined, covering his eyes with his hand as Mikaela and Bee’s holoform suppressed laughter.

Miles was wearing a stylishly-cut black suit with shining silver thread interwoven into the fabric. His shirt and shoes were a dark scarlet, and his tie…

His tie was bordered with hippie beads, and had neon-colored lava lamps bouncing around on it. Evidentially Fixit had finally finished the flexible LCD screen tie she had been working on when bored before Mission City.

All in all, Miles (and his scarlet-streaked hair) wasn’t really the problem. The problem was his mother.

Black tailored cargo pants and sparkly purple combat boots peeked out from the bottom of her high-collared trench coat…a trench coat made entirely out of the flexible LCD screen used in Miles’ tie.

Displayed on the screen, matching her movements, was a giant multi-colored balloon person made up of many different long balloons. It was blue and red and purple and yellow and green and orange, and squeaked realistically (albeit softly) with her every motion. A rainbow camo-patterned bowtie was displayed on her high collar, and to top it all off…she was wearing a giant, twisted balloon crown…that easily reached half a meter in height.

It was quite the impressive work of art.

Judy beamed as she bounced over and practically tackled Fixit in an exuberant hug, Ron and the other Autobots’ holoforms trailing after her in interest.

“You made it!”

“Like I would dare to skip after that phone call…” the albino said dryly, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips as she gazed fondly at the woman.

“Phone call?” Jazz asked, sidling right up to the women, leaning in with an inquisitive grin.

“Oh yes, it was quite terrifying…”

“Of course it was, you were being a stubborn aft and working yourself to death again,” Judy huffed, finally letting go and taking a small step back.

Fixit ignored the woman’s (completely true) words in favor of capturing one of Jazz’s dark hands, comparing it to her own. His holoform was a strongly-built African-American man with close-cropped hair.

“Daaaamn, woman. Ah knew ya were pale, but…”

“I’m an albino, of course I’m pale. But the contrast looks really cool.”

“Tha’ it does. O’ course, it’s such a small sample…ah think we shou’ work on creatin’ a greater contrast somewhere mo’…private…” Jazz’s holoform trailed off suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows as he leered at her, smoothly sliding a strong arm around her waist as she tensed almost imperceivably.

“Jazz!” Optimus and Ratchet reprimanded instantly as Sam paled and Miles gagged. Ironhide and Ron just rolled their eyes.

“Oh sweet Primus, the images…” Sam whimpered, covering his face with his hands as his godbrother started turning green.

“Nooooo, Sam, I can never unsee that now…” the blond whined, looking seriously ill.

Fixit’s mouth twitched slightly as she looked at the holoform, who was having a hard time suppressing a smirk. Obviously he was just teasing, but…

“…oh, I have no doubt creating such contrast would be…” here she made a point of looking him up and down hungrily, licking her lips slightly. “…exceedingly enjoyable, as well as quite the workout, I sadly must decline. My intended would not be too happy with me for reveling in another man…without him there, at least.”

Sam fainted as Miles sprinted for the nearest trash bin. The adults (who had caught on almost immediately) suppressed their laughter with difficulty. Of course, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Judy didn’t try at all.

Jazz and Fixit grinned at each other conspiratorially. Oh, this was the start of something beautiful…

…or the beginning of a never-ending nightmare, depending on who you asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so Fixit finally meets the Autobots…or at least Jazz.
> 
> DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!


	14. Hello, My Name Is... 'Sneaky Awesome Ninja'

_**“Why the frag are you just randomly killing my children off!? What do you do, chuck darts at a board to decide who lives and who dies!?”** _

_“Oh, so that’s what that board I caught a glimpse of was…”_

_**“WHAT!?!”** _

 

Jazz broke off in the middle of flirting with Fixit (and traumatizing Miles and Sam) in order to groan in exasperation.

She frowned at him in concern, the giant balloon crown wobbling slightly as she tilted her head to the side. 

“T’ bitlets are getting’ restless an’ startin’ t’ sneak across t’ base t’ tackle ma real form,” he sighed, answering her wordless question truthfully since she already knew about cybertronians. He dropped his head to rest against her shoulder in resignation.

She gingerly patted his head sympathetically, only the slight tension in her shoulders giving away the fact that she was uncomfortable with his proximity.

“There, there…want me to work my magic?”

“If yah can do anything t’ help, Ah will foreve’ adore ya,” he told her seriously, raising his head to look her in the eyes.

The albino smirked, patting his cheek. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, bud. Come on then, tell me where the bitlets are.”

 

Jazz gaped in astonishment as the bitlets utterly ignored him in favor of listening to Fixit tell her ridiculous (and amazingly, true) story about the Telephone Wire Caper.

(Hey, extra blackmail on Miles and Sam! Sweet!)

She caught sight of his gaping form and winked a red eye mischievously. Her entire posture screamed ‘I told you so.’

 

Jazz was infamous for taking everything in stride- hardly anything fazed him.

And then he met Fixit.

And watched her put the bitlets to bed without them desperately having to cling to the saboteur.

And then she proceeded to drag him off to locate a suitable hanger to design the playground/quarters for the bitlets without them stirring in the slightest.

He gaped at the elaborate blueprints she presented him with (and offered to fund the construction of. There was no reason for the younglings to suffer simply because the bureaucrats would whine about the cost). This was…

“…brillian’,” he finished out loud, causing her to blush slightly.

“Yes, well…you’ll still have to be around them a lot for a while, but you should start having someone else with you. Maybe more than one, I don’t know, it all depends on the bitlets’ comfort level. However many others you get, wait to leave them alone with the bitlets until they associate them with you…with safety. Once that’s done, you can continue slowly increasing the amount of time you spend away from them. Slowly.”

 

“Hi! I’m Fixit, nice to meet you!” the albino chirped now that she was finally back to the party, holding her slim, scarred hand out to a startled William Lennox. Ironhide’s holoform scowled at her from behind the man’s shoulder as he loomed protectively.

“Um…hi?” He tentatively shook her hand at his wife’s prodding. “I’m-”

“I know who you are. I’m awesome that way. Also, I heard Cannons talking about you. Which means you must be Sarah Lennox, and…who’s this little one?”

Will snorted at Fixit’s accurate nickname for Ironhide even as Sarah smiled while Fixit bent down to Annabelle’s level. The toddler looked up curiously.

“Hello there. I’m Fixit, the crazy awesome albino ninja lady. Who are you, sweetspark?”

“…’m Bell. An’ I…two!” she proclaimed proudly, holding up three fingers.

“Oh wow, you are old. You’re gonna get wrinkles soon!”

Annabelle giggled as the albino poked her forehead. “Nuh-uh!”

“Yah-huh!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yah-huh!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yah-huh!”

Will and Sarah rolled their eyes fondly as the two continued, laughing softly. Ironhide smirked reluctantly. Fixit was making it very hard for him to continue disliking her…but she was just so suspicious! She (and her son, Miles) used cybertronian curses like it was natural, even more so than Judy Witwicky! Obviously, they had known the mystery cybertronian running around the longest, and it was incredibly suspicious the mech hadn’t come forward yet! Optimus might be reluctant to consider the mech a threat, but only a threat would continue to hide. And he’d be fragged if he let some slagger hurt his Prime, charges, or team…

 

“What are you doing, that is incredibly bad for you!”

“Frag off, slagger! It’s mine!”

“Why you insolent little-!”

“Whoa there, Ratch-man! Breathe! Calm down, no murdering my son!”

Fixit pulled Ratchet away from Miles, who was wrapped protectively around his crappy five-dollar pizza as he glared viciously at the mech’s holoform. Jazz, Bee, Epps, and Sam just snickered unhelpfully in the background, causing her to toss a quick scowl at them.

“What- how can you condone-”

“Oh don’t worry, he’ll suffer for eating so unhealthily and he knows it. He’s willing to suffer the consequences.”

“What?”

“His normal diet is…well, frankly, the envy of health nuts the world over. You really think I would feed my son artificial, chemically-soaked shit?”

Ratchet just raised a ginger brow.

She scowled at him. “I wouldn’t, especially since I have to follow a strict diet myself.”

“What do you mean, strict diet?”

She rolled her red eyes. “Albino, covered in vicious scars…? Anyways, since he has little to no junk food in his usual diet, his body is not going to react well to the sudden influx of shit. It’s happened before in the past, he knows exactly how bad he’s going to react, but he’s choosing to eat it anyways. He’s old enough to make his own decisions/mistakes, hence why I’m letting him eat it. So relax, will you? Go harp on those idiots, who eat nothing but junk.”

Epps and Sam stiffened in alarm as she pointed at them. Bee and Jazz were exempt, being cybertronian.

Ratchet glared at them briefly before turning his attention back to Fixit. “Why do you have to have a special diet?”

She threw her hands up into the air. “Oh for Primus’ sake-! I was tortured as a child, alright?! It did a lot of damage, and if I don’t follow a strict diet, I could potentially kill myself! But I’ve got it well in hand, I’ve been dealing with it for years, so just frag off!”

Fixit stalked off, leaving the stunned men behind.

 

“Whatcha doing?”

Optimus’ holoform started slightly as Fixit popped up next to him from out of nowhere right as the NEST officer he had been talking with walked away.

“Ms. Callahan. You are missing your…crown,” he said politely, recovering his composure.

“I can sneak around with it on, but it’s significantly more difficult. And I need every advantage I can get to escape the Jazz-meister.”

He frowned slightly. “I thought you got along with Jazz.”

“No, I do,” she hastened to reassure him, even as the albino slid behind him, scanning the crowd warily. Optimus noted that her clothing's sound effects had been turned off. “But Miles started boasting about how sneaky ninja awesome I am, and Jazzy took that as a challenge. If I can successfully evade detection until the end of the party, Jazz’ll let me repaint him however I choose, and keep that paint till a week after the first new Autobot arrival to Earth.”

“…and what happens if he catches you?”

“Dunno. He just grinned evilly, but it’s not an issue. He’s not going to catch me,” she declared confidently, red eyes flicking around the room.

“You sound awfully confident about that,” he remarked mildly, amused by the antics of his acting-SIC and his new friend. Even if the friendship was also partially to keep an optic on the activities of a, sadly, suspicious individual.

“I am sneaky ninja awesome for a reason. Even my creeper couldn’t catch me most of the time…oh slag, there he is, gottagobye!”

He chuckled as the albino disappeared into the crowd just before Jazz popped up in his view.

“Fraggit, she go’ away again!” the saboteur cursed, nodding at the Prime distractedly as he attempted to catch the slippery woman.

 

Fixit hummed the theme to ‘Mission Impossible’ under her breath as she artfully maneuvered around the room, elegantly dodging the increasingly frustrated saboteur. Of course, he wouldn’t be nearly as frustrated if she didn’t keep rearranging things around the room, blatantly taunting him. He got especially annoyed when she made that cup pyramid in the three seconds he turned around to give Judy the punch she had asked him to pour for her…

_And…yes, sensor block done! Now the entire party is a blank zone if Jazzy gets frustrated enough to try and use his sensors to find me! Booyah!_

 

The party was over…and Jazz had failed to catch Fixit. The Autobots, Epps, Will Lennox (Annabelle and Sarah went home already), Miles, and the Witwicky family were the only ones left in the giant room…and there was still no sign of Fixit.

“Well, I’m impressed,” Epps drawled as they listened to Jazz’s increasingly creative curses. He had slipped out of English and into cybertronian a while ago. And judging by some of the other Autobots’ reactions, he had a truly impressive vocabulary.

“Told ya mom was a sneaky awesome ninja,” Miles grinned as he watched Jazz’s holoform prowl around the room. Finding the albino was just a matter of pride, now.

“It’s always so disappointing when people don’t believe in my splendiferousness,” Fixit commented as she leaned against the wall behind the group. They all jumped. Ratchet, Ironhide, Will, and Epps all swore, but they had nothing on Jazz’s reaction.

_“WHERE THE FRAG WERE YOU, YOU SLAGGER!?!”_ he roared as he stalked across the room.

“That would be telling, Jazzy. Meet you at the Witwicky’s Saturday for your makeover! Come on My, let’s go home. You do still have school tomorrow…”

Jazz made strangling motions in the air as the albino bounced out, Miles trailing after her like an oversized duckling. The others were torn between laughing and gaping in astonishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Jazz…he had to learn the hard way to never bet against Fixit…
> 
> This was a fun chapter to write.


	15. New Arrivals

_**“Very well then…if you are so fond of dart boards, I see no reason to forbid you the use of…this one.”** _

_“Ooooh…slag, Primus, those are just mean…”_

_**“The way I see it, if they’re so fond of games of chance, why not make them gamble on their own punishments?”** _

 

_“Living on a prayer…take my hand, and we’ll make it I swear-”_

Fixit jolted awake, falling off her hotel room’s couch as her phone blared out from the kitchenette counter across the room. She cursed rather impressively as she clumsily pushed herself up off the floor, staggering over to answer.

“Hello?” the albino asked groggily, running a hand through her disheveled white hair as she glanced at the clock. Ugh, 3am? But she had to get up at five and only fell asleep at one! Nooooo…

“MOMOMOMOMMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOM-!”

Fixit yelped, barely restraining herself from flinging the phone across the room as she cringed. 

“MILES, SHUT UP!”

He shut up instantly. She groaned as she rubbed her temples, his elated voice still ringing in her ears.

“Better, thank you…now what was that all about? And talk quietly, it’s 3am over here…” she added hastily, knowing her son all too well.

“CadeCade found Fritz!” Miles squealed in joy.

“SERI- wait, seriously!?” she exclaimed, only just managing to remember her own warning in time.

“Yeah! I mean, he’s pretty badly damaged, but all the really essential stuff is intact, and you can rebuild the rest of it! Which means we get our Fritzy back!”

“How badly damaged?” Fixit immediately sobered, slipping into ‘serious medic mode’ as she automatically began to catalogue what she might need, as well as the cost, availability, energy requirements…

“Ummmm…hang on, let me get CadeCade…CADECADE!” he bellowed away from the phone. 

“WHAT?!” came the distant, irritated reply.

“MOM NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU!”

“TALK TO HER YOURSELF, I’M BUSY!”

“BUT I DON’T KNOW THE FULL EXTENT OF FRITZ’S INJURIES!”

“I GAVE YOU A SUMMARY!”

“I LOST IT!”

There was a loud, incomprehensible snarl, before heavy stomping started making its way closer.

“THANKS, CADECADE!”

“I’M GONNA STRANGLE YOU ONE DAY, YOU FRAGGER! I SWEAR, YOU LOSE THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE!”

“I DO NOT! WELL, MOST OF THE TIME, ANYWAYS!”

“YOU WHAT!?!”

Fixit rolled her eyes as she listened to her son flee for the hills, his guardian tripping over everything in the giant maze of debris the boy had made specifically for facilitating escapes from 20ft+ giant mechanoid aliens. She plopped back down on the couch with a sigh, reaching for her laptop. She might as well get something done whilst she waited, since clearly Fritz wasn't in any immediate danger…

 

“This is so cool!” Miles bounced slightly in place next to Sam and Mikaela as they waited for the new Autobots to make landfall. Jazz chuckled at him to their left, although his humor didn’t last very long.

“Why did Ah agree t’ tha’ stupid bet?” he whined, causing everyone within earshot to snicker. “This is gonna be so embarrassin’…”

“I did tell you Mom was sneaky ninja awesome…” 

Jazz’s retort was cut off by the sonic boom as three streaks of flame soared overhead to crashland in the open desert before them. The Autobots (minus Jazz, who wanted to hide his appearance as long as possible) moved forwards, leaving the humans where they were for the moment. The new arrivals needed to be filled in first before they could be introduced to their new allies.

“Hey Sammy?”

Sam sighed heavily. “Yes, Miles?”

Jazz tilted his sparkly helm slightly, listening in discretely even as he kept an optic on his comrades.

“Is there any particular reason you’ve been totally ignoring me in favor of Mikaela unless I practically assault you? Not that I blame you, Mikaela,” he hastily reassured the girl when she, startled, glanced at him. They ignored Sam’s sputtering. “You’re not responsible for Sam’s actions. It’s just, for so long it’s been just us, and now I never see him. I miss my bestie.”

“That’s not- what- have I really been ignoring you?” Sam asked, grabbing his godbrother’s shoulder.

“Yes.” Miles stared flatly at the other boy as he flinched. “I have talked to you literally three times in the past two weeks, whereas that used to be the amount of time when we weren’t together.”

Sam looked flabbergasted. “I- I didn’t- I mean-”

“I know you’ve been busy readjusting, Sam. That’s why I haven’t confronted you before now. But it’s been almost a year since Mission City. Get your act together. I know we’re never going to be best friends again, but that doesn’t mean I want to lose you entirely.”

“What do you mean-!?”

“Best friends don’t forget about each other’s existence, Sam,” Miles cut in icily. Then he softened slightly at Sam’s devastated look. “It’s okay, Sam. Both Mom and I have seen it coming for a while. We’re just growing up into too different people. But that doesn’t mean we can’t stay friends, at least. Just…think about it, Sam. We’re old enough now that we have to start planning for the future. I know where mine is heading…do you know your path?”

He walked forwards as Optimus indicated it was safe for their human allies to come closer, leaving behind a stunned Sam and a worried Mikaela.

Jazz was, once again, impressed by Miles’ perception. Both he and his mom were so very good at acting the idiot that when they did show their true colors, they left everyone speechless.

Unfortunately, that only made them more dangerous, especially since it was apparent they interacted with an unknown cybertronian on a regular basis. Which was a pity…Jazz really liked the duo.

 

Sideswipe, Mudflap, and Skids took one look at Jazz and burst into hysterical laughter. The saboteur scowled at them, crossing his arms with a huff.

Ironhide and Ratchet started chuckling as well at the formerly-silver mech’s pout. Even Optimus let out a few noises of amusement as his acting-SIC sulked.

The laughter only increased as Jazz turned and stalked away, desperately trying to retain even some shred of his dignity.

 

Jazz was a classy, sleek silver saboteur who was always ready to talk his way into and out of trouble (and sometimes berths), all with his signature roguish grin on his faceplates.

Or at least, he was.

But that all changed when he foolishly made a bet that he could catch an albino human woman designated Fixit.

Jazz sulked on the beach, staring out over the waves. Three more cycles, then he could finally be rid of this accursed paintjob!

Starlight glimmered overhead, reflecting off of the neon orange base and highlighting the Ratchet-green and bright purple plaid pattern. The paint had been applied in such a way that when the saboteur transformed, it looked like he was wearing a hoodie and extremely ugly pants. The back of the hoodie showed the Autobot symbol…wearing a Groucho Marx disguise.

His helm had been patterned with faux-curls, giving the impression he had a golden afro. There was even a neon pink comb painted onto the side of his helm! And the effect was only added to by the springy mesh Fixit had somehow superglued over the afro-paint without interfering with his transformations…

And to top it all off…

Written directly on his aft in black-and-white, in both English and Cybertronian glyphs, were the words ‘Property Of Prowl.’

Oh, Fixit was going to pay for this…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly Jazz…Fixit was only writing the truth. Don’t try to deny it…
> 
> Why yes I am a shameless shipper. Why do you ask?


	16. Unintentional Chase Scene

_“Very evil…I approve…”_

_**“Thank you, youngling. It was fairly simple, once I decided to try thinking like you.”** _

_“…YES! I HAVE CORRUPTED PRIMUS!!! SUCK ON THAT, UNICRON!!!”_

 

Barricade’s holoform, Miles, and the newly-repaired Frenzy (who had recently changed his designation to Fritz as well as swearing allegiance to Fixit. Soundwave was a cold-sparked bastard who cared about nothing besides his master, and the spastic mech welcomed the opportunity to escape alive and intact) snickered gleefully as they tip-toed towards the albino passed out on the couch. Fixit had been working so hard lately, trying to keep Galloway away from NEST whilst keeping up with all her other obligations, that when Fritz had accidentally turned her expensive and highly elaborate sound system up full blast, she didn’t even stir. The two ex-Cons (and the son of an ex-Con) had immediately grasped the possibilities this granted them. Fixit had been nigh impossible to prank…

…until now.

 

Jazz sped through Tranquility, Nevada, going well above the speed limit. And sure enough, almost immediately, Barricade appeared behind him, lights flashing. The silver saboteur (who had just gotten rid of his new look! Sweet freedom!) let himself be pulled over.

His holoform drummed his wheel as he waited for the cruiser’s holoform to walk over.

“You-”

“What’re ya playin’ at, Cade?” Jazz interrupted, scowling at the holoform.

‘Cade Berri’ paused, red-brown eyes narrowing behind his aviators. “…you were going fifty in a-”

“Barricade.”

The cop froze as Jazz regarded him dead-calmly. He only ever looked like that when he was at his most dangerous…something few had ever survived.

Cade sighed heavily, posture resigned as he crossed his arms. “I went neutral. I’m done with the Decepticons. Happy?”

Jazz cocked his head, drumming his fingers along his open window as he thought. “…an’ how, exactly, are ya expectin’ ta survive bein’ marked as ah traitor without t’ Autobots’ help?”

The cop sneered. “Wouldn’t you like to know? In any case, if my new boss hadn’t been here, I would’ve stayed a Con. Certainly would’ve been better than being a Bot.”

He tossed a ticket at Jazz, before turning and walking away. The saboteur frowned after him, worried by his mention of a ‘new boss.’ But who…?

“Oh, and by the way, Frenzy went neutral too. He goes by Fritz now. Now if you’ll ever so kindly excuse me, I have to pick my partner and my ward up. Ta-ta…”

Jazz choked slightly, staring after the cruiser as the other mech roared down the road.

Frenzy went neutral!? But…he was Soundwave’s symbiont, he wouldn’t do anything that would go against his master’s will! And why the frag would he change his designation!?

“An’ who the frag is Cade’s ward!?”

Wait…Cade…Cade…Fritz…

Jazz’s holoform blanched in shocked horror.

 

“Hey Jazz, what’s-”

“Where’s Miles!?”

“Wha- I mean- What?”

“What do you need Miles for, Jazz?” Mikaela cut in, leaning closer to Sam as Bee drove them home so she could hear his phone better. He put it on speaker at her silent prompt. 

“Where. Is. Miles!?” Jazz sounded rather frantic...and almost scared.

The teens traded worried glances.

“He said his honorary uncle/mom’s minion was giving him a ride home today. Why?”

The saboteur cursed, long and loud. Bee’s engine sputtered in shock.

“Did any of ya see who actually picked ‘im up!?”

“Um, no. He ran off the moment the bell rang. Jazz, what is it?”

“Ah think Barricade might be t’ one pickin’ ‘im up…an’ Frenzy might already be with ‘im,” he said grimly. It took the three listening a moment for his words to sink in.

Bumblebee abruptly slammed on the brakes, frantically pulling a spectacular U-turn.

“Go go go go go!” Sam screamed. Mikaela just cursed in worry as Bee floored it. 

 

“You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out…”

Barricade ever so calmly continued bashing his holoform’s head against the wall as Fritz (appearance masked by a hologram) and Miles continued to bounce around on the DDR machine at the arcade. Maybe it would’ve been better if he had just waited around at home for Fixit to wake up…and see what they had done to her…

…on second thought, DDR wasn’t that bad.

Now if they would only stop trying to get him to sing along with them…

Unnoticed by all of them, Miles’ phone buzzed in his jacket where he had tossed it off to the side.

 

Sam cursed impressively. Miles wasn’t the only one who’d picked things up from Fixit.

“He’s still not answering! Jazz, do you-”

“Nothing,” the saboteur confirmed. “Hide?”

“Nothing. Prime, can’t Ah-”

“We are not blasting the town apart!”

“What the hell would Barricade want with Miles, anyways?!” Will gritted out. The original five Autobots, plus a good portion of NEST, were all combing the town in hopes of rescuing the spastic blond teen before Barricade and Frenzy could hurt him.

“Jazz, you were the one to make contact with Barricade. Did he offer any reasoning as to his actions?” Optimus asked as he scanned his designated search area.

“…ah think Barricade and Frenzy are masquerading as ‘CadeCade’ an’ ‘Fritz.’”

“CadeCade and…wait, like, Auntie Fixit’s CadeCade and Fritz!?”

**“WHAT!?”**

“Ah dunno what they hope ta achieve by deceiving ‘em…” Jazz confirmed gravely over the incredulous reactions. “…but it definitely can’t be anythin’ good.”

 

Meanwhile, Barricade hunkered down in the middle of the arcade parking lot, desperately trying not to be noticed by the sneaking spazzes imitating ninjas with spray paint in their hands.

He was trying so hard to avoid detection (as were the ‘ninjas’ because they were, well, ninjas), that Ironhide and the NEST personnel rolled right by the arcade without either party ever noticing each other.

 

“WHERE THE FRAG ARE THEY!?” Ratchet roared in frustration. The NEST vehicle tagging along with him not-so-discretely widened the distance between it and the fragged-off Hummer.

“PRIME-!”

“IRONHIDE, FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT BLOWING UP THE TOWN!!!”

 

Barricade buried his holoform’s face in his hands as Miles and Fritz wobbled their lower lips in unison.

“…I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this…”

They brightened instantly. “Does that mean-!”

“Yes, fine, you can play hide-and-seek paint tag with the party of annoying college students.”

**“YES!!!”**

 

Ratchet, Jazz, and Ironhide were all cursing in an impressive, but unintentional, three-way harmony. Sam was very close to joining them.

They had been sweeping the town for the past two-and-a-half hours, covering the entire town and all its outlying areas. And still there was no sign of Barricade, Frenzy, or Miles!

 

Barricade bared his teeth, growling at the impudent and paling college party boy who had just hit him with a paint grenade. The other college students all took a step back.

“So that’s how you want to play it, huh…” He grinned maniacally. “Bring it, brat.”

The idiot yelped as the off-duty cop pulled a paint pistol from out of nowhere and soaked him in sparkly pink.

“PAINTBALL WAR! EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES!!!” Miles and Fritz hollered in glee, grabbing buckets full of paint balloons from behind a corner (aka Fritz's subspace).

Chaos reigned.

 

Ratchet snarled past the war-torn arcade, fuming. Then he braked abruptly as a boy ducked…inadvertently letting the nauseatingly-green Hummer get splattered with neon-pink paint.

The NEST vehicle threw itself into reverse to hide behind a nearby dumpster. The boys nearby the Hummer all stopped fighting, slowly turning to look as the vehicle literally shook in rage.

“…slag,” one of them swore quietly.

Ratchet exploded, only barely holding onto his cover as his holoform screamed awe-inspiring obscenities. It stormed out of the Hummer, grabbing the nearest ammunition and single-handedly annihilating every figure in sight.

The fighters fled in the face of the doctor’s fury, most making a break for the cars parked on the left side of the parking lot. But three figures high-tailed it over to a lone, cowering cop car on the right edge of the lot. They piled in hastily as the doors opened for them, immediately slamming shut and peeling out frantically once they were inside.

Barricade roared by the NEST vehicle, the three painted-doused males inside all glancing back at the rampaging Hatchet fearfully, even as two of them yelled at the third to go “faster, faster, FASTER!!!”

Only one person noticed their target(s) fleeing the scene.

“Um, guys?” Robert Epps said uncertainly. “I think that was Barricade…”

They all looked at each other. On one hand, that was an evil Decepticon who had kidnapped an innocent kid, whom they had been searching for…for four hours.

On the other hand, in order to chase said evil Decepticon, they would have to first expose themselves to the wrath of the Hatchet.

The decision was clear.

“Jazz was closest to us, right?”


	17. To Assume is to make...

_**“Will you stop with the victory dance, already?!”** _

_“I corrupted Priiiimus, I corrupted Priiiimus…”_

_**“…I’ll take that as a no.”** _

 

Jazz sped after Barricade’s fleeing form in the distance. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of the fact that his holoform, Frenzy, and Miles were all covered in glow-in-the-dark paint, but was determined to get the human teen to safety before he interrogated the confusing Cons.

Bumblebee and Optimus were both on their way, Bee having left his charges behind with his slower NEST followers. Ironhide, despite his protests, was dispatched to try and minimize the damage from the Hatchet’s rage, because even Primus himself couldn’t stop that mech on a rampage.

 

Jazz transformed outside the door of the warehouse set into the side of the hill, ignoring his Prime’s orders to wait for backup. He slinked in carefully, gun held in front of him.

The immediate room was clear of threats, although he frowned at the sight of well-worn cybertronian-sized furniture. It looked even weirder with all the human-sized things scattered around on the twenty ft. high platforms around the edges of the room. Frag, some of the platforms were even layered, the levels going up all the way to thirty-five ft.!

There was only one cybertronian-sized corridor leading off from the main room, despite the multitude of human-sized doors. The silver saboteur crept forward cautiously, following the small trail of florescent paint.

He ghosted down the large, plain, and sometimes oddly-scratched corridors. He went deeper and deeper, going further and further downwards, till eventually the paint trail led him to a closed door. He paused outside it, carefully pressing his audio to the door. All he could hear was the loud rush of water, with the occasional indecipherable voice speaking.

Prime and Bumblebee finally caught up to him, Optimus immediately comming him for an update.

:Barricade, Frenzy, and Miles are all in there. Haven’t heard anyone else…yet…:

Optimus nodded, moving to the opposite side of the door as he readied his sword. Bee tensed in preparation next to Jazz.

_:In three, two…one.:_

 

Fritz and Miles yelped, slipping off the edge of the Olympic-sized diving board as the three Autobots stormed the mini water park Fixit had remodeled the wash racks into in a fit of boredom several years ago, complete with cybertronian-sized pools and massive waterfalls in place of showers. Miles grabbed hold of Fritz, who grabbed hold of the diving board, dangling precariously. Barricade ignored the Autobots in favor of lunging desperately as Fritz lost his grip, barely managing to catch his partner and ward before they hit the deep water in the most awkward and painful flop ever.

The Bots just kind of stood there uncertainly as paint-infused water sloshed over the sides of the beautifully sculpted pool and onto their pedes.

Barricade resurfaced, vents spluttering out water as he sat up, removing an equally drenched Miles and Fritz from the warm pool.

**“WHAT THE FRAG IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!”** the three yelled in unison, making the Bots flinch and level their weapons defensively.

 

“Wait, are ya sayin’ Barricade and Frenzy actually went neutral!?”

Cade let his helm fall against the back of the couch as Fritz and Miles groaned. Seriously, they understood the Autobots’ disbelief, but come on already!

“Yes, you moronic glitch-helmed microwaves, we. Are. Neutral! Just as we’ve been saying for the entire past joor!”

“Botty-t-two shoes s-stupid,” Fritz muttered. Then he raised his voice to shout “A-and new namey i-is F-F-Fritz-z!!!”

 

Optimus and Jazz were holding Ironhide back from mauling Barricade and Frenzy- sorry, Fritz. The little mech was apparently serious about the name change and refused to answer to anything else.

Bee just hovered warily around the now mostly-calm Ratchet, who was attempting to drill a smoking hole through Barricade’s torso with his glare alone. The only reason he wasn’t attempting to join Ironhide in his attempted dismantling was the blond, glaring, defiant teenager perched on the ex-Con’s shoulder, with Fritz caging him in on his other side protectively.

 

Will just stared up at Optimus. Switched his gaze to the scowling ex-Cons (and Miles) in the corner. Back to Optimus.

“…and you’re just taking them at their word?”

Barricade rumbled his engine angrily, switching his gaze briefly to NEST’s human commander before returning to watching the invasion of NEST personnel warily. Fixit would not be happy with the incursion into her lair…

Optimus vented heavily. “…so far, neither of them has done anything to harm anyone since Mission City-”

“W-we weren’t-t there, toasted-d sock!”

Half the room (including Barricade and Miles) looked weirdly at the little spastic silver mech. Optimus (and the other half of the room) chose to ignore him.

“-and they deserve a chance to prove themselves. But even the slightest step out of line, and I will give Ironhide permission to annihilate you,” he said warningly, turning to the ex-Cons.

Barricade and Fritz spared him a quick glance, but quickly returned to their ‘conversation’ with Miles.

“Seriously, toasted sock? That’s way weirder than anything Mom’s come up with…”

“I-is not-t!”

“He’s right, it’s not. Remember Mexico?”

All three shuddered in unison, totally ignoring the rest of the room’s bewilderment.

“Right, point taken.”

“S-scary chupacabras-s…”

**“BARRICADE!!!”**

Everyone jumped as an enraged voice echoed through the warren of tunnels. Barricade made a funny squeaking sound, like a mouse being trod upon, as Miles whimpered in horror and Fritz wailed “Fixy’sawakewe’regonnadie!!!”

Jazz watched in bemusement as the cruiser slowly backed away from the cybertronian corridor, a look of abject terror on his face. Miles and Fritz ended up clinging to each other for comfort.

And then, the living fury apparently ran across the intruders in its territory.

**“YOU!!! WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE, _GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!”_**

“We’re gonna die…” Barricade breathed in horror, having backed against a table at the back of the room. Fritz and Miles were sobbing in terror, now.

Epps sprinted out of the corridor and behind the Autobots on the other side of the room, all the NEST personnel who had been exploring the lair hot on his heels.

“Whoa, Epps, what the hell?” Will asked, grabbing at the man’s arm.

“She’s so scary…it’s like all your worst nightmares combined into one…” he shivered, pulling his arm away to go hide behind Ironhide’s pede.

Barricade whimpered quietly, petrified as Fixit stalked into the room.

She was wearing an elegant, shimmering royal blue, strapless evening gown with a low back. The skirt went down to the floor, with a high-thigh slit up the side. It had delicate, gorgeous embroidery along the hem and over the bodice in a slightly different shade of blue than the dress, causing it to shimmer in-and-out of view as the albino stalked towards her prey. She held three-inch stiletto heels in one of her hands, sapphire blue nails digging a hole into the silver shoes.

Her hair was piled on top of her head in an elegant hairdo that perfectly suited the dress, kept up with silver hair sticks. Dangling from her ears were simple silver earrings, in the form of three floaty chains. Her necklace was a plain silver chain, with a small sapphire pendant shaped like a six-point star.

Her red eyes were outlined with light mascara and pale blue eyeliner, with silvery-blue eyeshadow above. Fixit’s lips, naturally pale, were emphasized slightly with a delicate shade of pink.

All in all, she looked drop-dead gorgeous…

…and then everyone took a closer look, and flinched in shocked concern.

Her attire highlighted her vicious scars (were those pictures carved into her flesh!?), as well as her shockingly malnourished form. No one had noticed just how thin she was, thanks to her habit of wearing multiple layers! Of course, part of that was probably due to her trying to stay warm, since she apparently had no body fat whatsoever.

…and then the sheer shock of her entrance wore off as she began furiously laying into the cowering trio on the table with a scarily icy calm voice, Barricade having climbed onto it in an attempt to delay her flaying them alive.

Even Ratchet’s vocabulary increased after that, and he would have a chance to put it to good use every time Fixit managed to slip out of a future check-up with him.

Needless to say, the terrible trio wasn’t about to even think about pranking the albino again for a loooooong time…

Especially since they were all punished with squirrels…and a repeat of Mexico, courtesy of Fixit’s personal holomatter generator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo…yeah. Fixit’s gonna be dodging Ratchet for forever, now.
> 
> Poor CadeCade, Fritz, and Miles…punished with both squirrels AND Mexico. *shudders in horror*
> 
> When Fixit is truly pissed off, she goes into this icily clear state, like a cold berserker rage…and then proceeds to obliterate even the memory of whatever pissed her off. So scary.


	18. Active Interference

_**“I trust Fixit far more than I trust any of you.”** _

_“…wait, seriously? Pranks and all?”_

_**“Pranks and all.”** _

 

Sam and Mikaela were riding in Bumblebee, who was followed by Ron and Judy in Fixit’s hand-built car with the Witwicky matriarch at the wheel. Barricade (with Prime following him) trailed behind them with Miles, Fritz, and Fixit, who was currently passed out in exhaustion in Barricade’s passenger seat. She had been working almost non-stop for the past two weeks…and the prank the terrible trio had pulled had not eased her stress levels.

Primus, she hated dresses and formal wear and anything fancy at all in any way, shape, or form!

Grr…

They were all heading up to the Autobots’ base to meet the increasing number of new arrivals. Well, not CadeCade and Fritz. They were heading up because of paperwork...that, and Ratchet wanted to check them over and threatened severe bodily harm if they didn’t show. (He also wanted to examine Fixit, too, but it was pretty obvious that wasn’t going to happen…to everyone except the doctor.)

There were a lot more new arrivals than Fixit remembered from the movies from her first life. Then again, she had never really liked the live-action movies, and had been more focused on remembering what little she could remember about the TF: Prime series instead.

But there was one thing she knew for certain: Prowl wasn’t present in the live-action. Which meant that if he was one of the arrivals, Primus had been making changes independently of her…which would make a lot of her foreknowledge useless.

Booyah! She hated the live-action! Please let Primus have been making changes!

Please please please please please…

She couldn’t change everything about it on her own. Most of it was set up well before she was dropped into this universe.

So pleeeeeeeease let Primus have been changing things…please…

 

“MOM!”

Fixit yelped, jumping in surprise and banging her head against CadeCade’s roof as Miles yelled at her through a red bullhorn from five feet away.

“Ow…what the slag, My?” she whined, rubbing her white head and glaring sleepily at her son.

“IT’S TIME TO GET UP!”

The albino swore, clapping her hands over her ears as the blond grinned evilly.

Fritz shook his helm in Barricade’s back seat. “My-My gonna g-get it n-now…”

_“Miles Jonas Lancaster-Callahan,”_ she snarled, fluidly rising to her feet and stalking towards her frozen son.

“FRAG!!!” he yelped, immediately turning tail and fleeing.

 

“What’s going on over there?” Wheeljack asked curiously as panicked yelling, snarled curses, and hysterical laughter drifted out from one of the outlying hangers.

Jazz laughed, bouncing over to the commotion. “Tha’, mah mech, is Fixit an’ her family,” he tossed over his shoulder, leaving his comrades to explain.

Optimus vented. “Fixit Callahan is Miles’ mother-”

“Tha’ awesome blond dude we was talkin’ ta earlier when we gots here?” Skids asked.

“Duh, ya idjit! What otha’ Miles we know!” Mudflap retorted.

Ironhide grabbed their helms and smashed them together, preemptively staving off the oncoming fight.

The Prime shook his helm slightly, but went on. “As I was saying, Fixit is Miles’ mother…as well as the new boss of two ex-Cons turned Neutrals who have sworn allegiance to her.”

**“WHAT!?”** came the collective cry from the newcomers.

“…who?” Prowl asked, narrowing his optics consideringly at his leader.

“Barricade and Frenzy,” Ratchet grunted irritably as he stalked past them towards the hanger. The medic looked like a mech on a mission. 

Jazz could now be heard bantering with the previously-snarling female voice, with occasional input from another, grumpier voice. The female immediately stopped talking with Jazz in favor of arguing with the Autobot CMO as the medic slipped inside the hanger. Evidentially (aka suicidally), she didn’t want Ratchet to give her a check-up.

“Wait, Frenzy as in Soundwave’s symbiont!?” Blaster burst out incredulously, his own symbionts gaping as well.

There was an immediate uproar.

“ENOUGH!” Optimus bellowed, silencing them all. “Barricade and Frenzy have behaved themselves thus far, and have actually acted to protect humans on occasion! Unless they become an imminent threat, they are not to be harmed! Am I understood!?”

“…yes, sir,” Blaster, his symbionts, Wheeljack, Skyfire, and the Arcee triplets muttered grudgingly. 

Optimus narrowed his optics warningly at Prowl. He knew Barricade and he had history, but would not allow any disobedience on this matter.

Prowl just inclined his helm slowly, regarding his Prime coolly.

Blaster frowned over at the hanger, where Ratchet could be heard swearing at the female, who was cussing right back at him. “But why would Frenzy go neutral…?”

“N-namey is Fritz, now. S-stupid Autobit…”

The assembled Autobots all jumped and swore, even as they leveled their weapons at the scowling little silver mech and the blond…riding piggyback on the symbiont?

“Yeah, most of the Autobot’s I’ve met so far aren’t really that bright when it comes to unexpected situations. Why is that?” Miles commented casually, resting his chin on his ride’s shoulder.

“Cause t-they Botty-two s-shoes…duh.”

He hummed thoughtfully, even as Fritz began walking towards the mess hall again. “True…”

Blaster stepped forward. “…Frenzy. What are you doing?”

He was ignored. “S-swipe-ed you some chococo f-from Fixy! Here.”

“YES! YOU RULE, FRITZ!”

Blaster stepped in front of the symbiont, blocking him even as his passenger cackled happily and gorged himself on the dark chocolate.

“Frenzy!”

The spastic mech glared up at the red-and-orange mech. Oh, the things Fixit would have to say about his paint job…

“Namey F-Fritz! Now f-frag off!”

He nimbly slipped around the bigger bot’s pedes, taking off for the mess hall. Optimus stopped the Autobots from stopping the two.

“Enough. They are not prisoners, nor are they doing anything wrong. Oh, and Blaster?”

“…sir?”

“Frenzy only answers to the designation ‘Fritz,’ now. If you call him Frenzy one more time, you’ll apparently be declared fair game for extremely humiliating pranks until you learn to call him Fritz.”

The new arrivals were left staring after the Prime as he walked towards the hanger resonating with Jazz’s and another mech’s laughter, Ratchet’s swearing, and the sound of a female human taunting the short-tempered medic.

 

OUTTAKE

_“What’s going on over there?” Wheeljack asked curiously as panicked yelling, snarled curses, and hysterical laughter drifted out from one of the outlying hangers._

_Jazz laughed, bouncing over to the commotion. “Tha’, mah mech, is Fixit an’ her family,” he tossed over his shoulder, leaving his comrades to explain._

The saboteur was so happy! Fixit’s plan had worked! The newsparks, whilst still needing a lot of attention, weren’t utterly dependent on him anymore! He was free!

“Fixit!” he cried happily as he burst into the hanger. “Wonderfal, amazin’, beautifal Fixit! Light o’ ma spark! Ge’ ova here an’ let meh hug yah!”

“What the frag!?” the albino yelped as the saboteur scooped her up and cuddled her to his chest, allowing her son to escape to the relative safety of Barricade’s shoulders. “Jazzy, put me down!”

“Neva! Yah’re mah savior! Ah mus’ adore yah foreva!”

“How the frag does that translate to smothering me!? Barricade, help!”

Jazz glared at the cop car, pressing a protesting Fixit into the crook of his neck protectively.

Barricade raised his servos in the air as Fritz and Miles hid behind his helm. “…nah, I’m good.”

“Barricade!”

The cruiser had trouble repressing his laughter as the saboteur happily went back to rubbing his faceplates affectionately against the cursing albino.

“Jazzy, put me down- wait no, I take it back, hold me closer!” Fixit amended as Ratchet stalked in, a dangerous gleam in his optics.

“U-uh-oh,” Fritz muttered. He and Barricade exchanged glances as the Autobot CMO stalked towards the suddenly indecisive saboteur and the defensively-snarling albino cradled against his chest.

The cruiser plucked his charge off his shoulder as his partner scrambled down his frame. Cade dropped Miles onto Fritz’s back, and the two made a break for it just as Ratchet and Fixit began yelling at their respective top volumes.

Barricade winced in mild sympathy for Jazz, who looked rather intimidated at being caught in the middle of the fight. Luckily enough for him, Fixit jumped a short distance from his arms to land on top of a pile of crates about as tall as Ratchet’s waist, grinning fiercely as she taunted the medic with the sensor block around her neck that was preventing the doctor from scanning her.

The saboteur immediately retreated to stand (cower) next to the cop car.

Cade smirked at him before offering…an energon goodie?

“Humans have popcorn, we have energon goodies,” the mech explained, leaning against the wall and snacking on his own treat as he watched Fixit and Ratchet swear at each other.

“…where did yah find enough energon ta make goodies?” Jazz accepted the offering cautiously, although he didn’t eat it.

“GreenTech has a massive energon conversion and/or production system at several locations around the world,” Cade answered casually, ignoring the silver mech’s mild choking. “Ooo, that was a creative one. Never heard that before…”

Jazz was still trying to wrap his helm around the fact that GreenTech apparently had a surplus of energon. Barricade noticed, and rolled his optics.

“They’re going to share it with you lot just as soon as they figure out how to make something other than high-grade. Understandably, they don’t want to see any of you drunk. It should be ready in a week, so just relax, sit back, and enjoy the show. Because really, how often do you get to see two Masters of Creative Cursing have a cuss-off?”

The saboteur snorted in amusement at the cruiser’s phrasing. But the ex-Con had a point.

And so, Jazz and Barricade laughed their afts off as an irate Ratchet began chasing Fixit around the hanger.

(They ended up in hysterics as Fixit, followed closely by the CMO, dodged between the pedes of the newly-arrived Optimus Prime. Only Ratchet wasn’t as light on his feet as the albino, and ended up flattening his Prime.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Both Fixit and Primus are actively working to change this universe!
> 
> Although I dunno if Fixit and Ratchet are ever gonna get along…


	19. Plots and Plans

_“…wait…I have a very bad feeling about this…”_

_**“What is it, youngling?”** _

_“Fixer’s screaming at me uncontrollably…I think there’s something obvious we’re overlooking…something incredibly important.”_

 

Fixit muttered irritably to herself as she typed away on her laptop from where she was perched on Barricade’s shoulder. The cop car just shook his helm slightly in grudgingly fond exasperation, even as he walked into the Autobot rec. room to pick up Miles and Fritz. The spazzes had challenged Mudflap and Skids to a localized Griffball match, and were currently kicking their afts.

The new arrivals were milling about uneasily in the room, keeping an eye on the ex-Con to make sure he wasn’t doing anything. When Barricade walked in (after he and Fixit escaped the med bay, courtesy of Jazz distracting Ratchet), they all stiffened further…especially the black-and-white Praxian with the words ‘Police’ written on his wings standing in a corner, talking to Ironhide.

Fixit yelped as her perch suddenly froze. She would’ve fallen off were it not for the servo Cade automatically held up to catch her.

“What the frag, CadeCade!? What was that for!? Did you see a scraplet or something?!”

Fritz and Miles’ shudder of horror went unnoticed by the rest of the room, seeing as they were focused on the two Praxians glaring at each other.

Fixit took note of this…and grinned evilly as she serenely put away her laptop, unnerving Jazz who had just walked in behind them.

She stretched calmly, popping her neck casually as she got to her feet. Miles, Fritz, and Jazz were the only ones who noticed her actions, her natural talent for stealth coming into play.

She took a deep breath and…

“Chupacabra!!!” she screamed right in Barricade’s audio.

He let out a weird cross between a squeak and a scream, immediately diving for cover on top of one of the cybertronian-sized tables as he scanned his surroundings frantically.

Miles and Fritz burst into hysterical laughter as the Autobots, who had been startled into drawing their weapons, just gaped at the visibly panicking cruiser.

Fixit couldn’t hold her laughter in any longer, and joined the spazzes in hysterics. Cade froze as he heard her start to laugh, optics offlining as he slowly reached up to pinch his nasal ridge in realization.

“Fixit…” he snarled dangerously, beginning to shake in suppressed rage. The more humorously-inclined of the Autobots (aka Jazz, Mudflap, Skids, Sideswipe, and this time Wheeljack and Ironhide) were already getting over their shock and beginning to stifle laughter.

“Yes…Cade…Cade?” the albino gasped out, clinging to his shoulder desperately as she tried not to fall off from laughing so hard.

“Three…two…”

She half-yelped, half-laughed “Jazz, save me!”

The saboteur snagged her and ran just as Barricade launched himself after them, chasing their manically-laughing forms out of the room with an impressive array of blistering curses.

They left behind an utterly bewildered (and fairly amused) room, along with a cackling Miles and Fritz.

 

“Cheer up, CadeCade. It’s not like anyone got hurt.”

Barricade rumbled dangerously as he drove the four of them home, ignoring the big black trigger-happy truck following him. Miles and Fritz were too busy plotting world domination- er, potential pranks- in the backseat to pay attention to the adults.

Fixit rolled her eyes. “Okay, yes, your reputation as a bad-aft took a hit, but I did that for a reason.”

“To humiliate me?” he growled icily.

She wacked the dashboard. And then wacked his holoform for good measure. “No, to make you seem like less of a threat and make them less likely to shoot you on sight.”

“What?”

“Yes, you’re a big bad scary ex-Con. You’re ruthless and deadly. But acting like an idiot often makes people less inclined to remember you’re a threat. How else do you think I get the drop on so many beings? I channel so much of my inner idiot that they can’t tell what’s real and what’s faked- or realize just how good I actually am.”

_“Prowl-”_ she raised a brow at the sheer venom in his voice. “-won’t forget about my…skills.”

“No, this rarely works on beings that have experienced you being serious. But has the Kettle ever seen you relax and banter with someone like you do with us?”

“…Kettle?”

“Long story, tell you later. Now answer the question.”

“…”

“…”

“…no. I don’t…think _he_ has.”

“Then it will be that much more confusing for him.”

“…?”

“Look at it this way- you hate him, he hates you. Yes?”

“…where are you going with this?”

“I’m not saying you have to act like you don’t hate him- just don’t act on that hatred. Ignore him.”

“What good would that do?”

“You’ve always attacked him in the past, yes?”

“…you are far too good at reading people…”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Then not attacking, no matter what he does to provoke you, will just confuse and frustrate the hell out of him.”

Barricade’s holoform looked rather thoughtful all of a sudden. “…not attacking would be totally out of character for me…”

“Which means he won’t be expecting it and think you’re up to something. But the only thing you’ll be up to is ignoring him…”

“…which will only make him even more paranoid,” she could hear the dawning comprehension in his voice. And the malicious glee slowly seeping into it.

“And if you get him paranoid enough-”

“-eventually I could get him to attack me instead! Yes! Fixit, you’re a genius!”

“I try,” she said smugly, idly buffing her nails on her shirt as the cruiser started cackling evilly, startling Miles, Fritz, and the black Autobot trailing them.

“G-great…Fixy infested CadeCade with i-insanit-ty…we d-doomed.”

“Hidey-hole when we get home?”

“H-hidey-hole when w-we h-home.”

 

Fixit vented heavily as she finished up for the night. Miles and Fritz had run off and hid in their little self-made bunker- to protect them from the chaos that was her, apparently- and Barricade was busy plotting (aka laughing maniacally) in his room, if he wasn’t in recharge already.

She had been working on the key, prepping it as much as she could without the poor bastard here to fix-

She started slightly as one of her silent alarms began going off. The Eradicon slid over to the console quickly, shutting off the flashing lights and reading the report.

She frowned. A cybertronian had just crash-landed unnoticed but for a small blurb on the Web about the falling star by a local out in Mongolia. She couldn’t determine what faction…and from what she could see from the satellite, the mech was badly injured as well.

Thankful that this universe’s Soundwave hadn’t yet shown up, she quickly erased any mention of the meteor from the web, and set one of her custom programs to trawl the Web. It would alert her the moment any more mentions of it popped up, allowing her to erase it almost immediately. That done, she heaved herself to her pedes.

Time to go see who the new arrival was…

…and either help or offline him, depending on his allegiances.


	20. Everything Hits The Fan

_“…oh slag…Primus?”_

_**“…yes?”** _

_“…why, exactly, did the Fallen betray the other Primes?”_

 

Fixit swooped down and transformed to land lightly in a crouch on the edge of the crater. Looking down into it, she carefully watched the crumpled form at the bottom for any signs of movement.

Seeing none, she slowly began sliding down the slope, purposely making a small amount of noise. If the mech was conscious, she didn’t want him to lash out in surprise.

But that wasn’t going to happen, since she could clearly see he was unconscious once the Eradicon got closer. She vented softly, relaxing slightly as she stalked forward to check on his condition.

She swore, vehemently but quietly, as she immediately got to work saving the barely-living pile of scrap in front of her.

 

The Eradicon groaned as she collapsed onto a stool. After barely managing to stabilize the fragger, she had loaded him onto her back and (wobbily) flew to the closest private warehouse Marie Callahan owned. Only people she chose were allowed to enter the grounds, and there were very few beings capable of getting through her security that weren’t already allowed.

After arriving, Fixit had spent a good two straight days fixing up the scrap heap. Fortunately, he was doing much better now.

Unfortunately, she had no idea who he was, and didn’t dare finish repairing him until she knew his allegiances.

Her only clue was small flecks of gold paint, and an unusual arrangement of cooling vents on the sides of his helm.

…seeing as the Eradicon was a major G1 fan before being recruited by Primus, the obvious conclusion was that this was Sunstreaker. But given that Sun had never shown up in the Bayverse, she had no idea if his frame would stay consistent. Sideswipe’s certainly hadn’t. Hence, her uncertainty as to his identity.

 

Barricade scowled grimly at the screen, shutting off Fixit’s silent alarm. Why did she have to choose now to leave? It was going to be so hard keeping Fritz calm, especially since they didn’t dare try to call the Eradicon for fear of the call being hacked.

And on the screen, Soundwave’s form engulfed the poor, violated satellite.

 

“What do you mean, Galloway got access to N.E.S.T.!? I pay you a fortune to keep him away! No, fine, whatever, just pass on the info packet to the address I gave you. Yes, the one stipulating that any official ambassador of N.E.S.T. must be approved by at least four high-ranking officials from four different governments! What other info packet did I give you!? What…why would I want to send the solar diagrams to N.E.S.T., you moron?! Just send the damn bureaucratic document!”

Fixit flipped her phone shut, subspacing it before transforming mid-jump to land next to the bot she had previously been sitting on.

“Hopefully Prowl’ll be able to use the stupid thing to kick the slagger out…or at least keep him out of most things…”

 

Fixit threw her stool across the room. Stupid slaggin’ idiotic meatsack! What part of don’t discuss sensitive information over a line, no matter how secure you think it might be, didn’t he understand!? Now the Cons had the fraggin’ Allspark shard and were going to revive Megatron!

 

Barricade risked sending a quick burst message to Fixit as he, Miles, and Fritz shot down the road on their way to rendezvous with Sam, Mikaela, the Autobug, the idiot twins, and some random human they had dragged along for the ride.

Originally, they were just going to hunker and hide in Fixit’s house, but then Miles got a call from Sam pleading for his godbrother’s help. The blond wasn’t about to leave family in need (Cade cursed Fixit’s conscientious raising of Miles for the first time), and Barricade and Fritz weren’t about to let him go out there without them to protect him.

…which meant they were all going on a road trip. Oh joy.

 

For all the animosity between her and Ratchet, he would’ve applauded her furious vocabulary at finding out what the Terrible Trio were doing.

The idiots were heading directly into the danger! Primus, everything was just going to the Pit all at once!

The Cons had the shard and used it to revive Megatron.

Optimus was dead.

Sam was now globally wanted because the Fallen put out a price on his head.

And she was stuck here for the time being, unable to intercept the Fallen just yet, because the scrapheap on her table wasn’t yet stable enough to leave alone!

Fraggit, her and Primus’ entire plan hinged on her being able to grab the Fallen before he got to Egypt! The slagger in front of her had better stabilize soon, or he would join the list of names she recited every month- the names of the people she had killed either directly or indirectly! She didn’t want to leave him to die, but she would if she had to!

“Hurry up and stabilize, you fragger! Don’t make me leave you to die!”

_…please!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but it just didn’t continue well.
> 
> And plans always go wrong in the field…that’s what contingency plans are for. Too bad Fixit’s the only one who can pull the required task off…


	21. Anticlimactic Battle

_**“…right. Youngling? I have a new task to ask of you-”** _

_“Would’ve done it even if you hadn’t asked. Twisted bastards…no wonder he’s insane.”_

_**“I’m more amazed any of my children here are still even slightly sane…”** _

 

Barricade grumbled as he helped the Autobug finish off the Decepticons who had kidnapped Ron and Judy. He couldn’t believe that after going to so much trouble to stay neutral, he ended up helping the Autobots anyways!

Even if the slaggers were threatening Judy and Ron…

A little way away, Fritz spat a particularly foul curse at the deactivated form of Ravage, before turning and ushering the adult Witwickys away from the battlefield.

“Fritz ‘n I will guard the Witwickys- you get Ladiesman to the slaggin’ Prime,” Cade growled at the taken-aback Autobot scout. He turned his back on the mech, ignoring all his battle-instincts screaming at him, scooped up the aforementioned humans and his partner, and stalked away to a safer location. Like frag he was getting any more involved in this than he had to.

 

Judy screamed as she watched her son fall from afar, Ron yelling in distress alongside her.

Fritz frowned sadly- he liked messing with Ladiesman 217…and once the boy had stopped being so skittish around him, great fun to pull pranks with.

Barricade noted his death, but pushed it aside for the time being in favor of keeping his current charges alive. He would not fail Fixit any further by allowing the rest of her family to die.

 

“Oh sweet Primus-!” Sam shot up into a sitting position, hyperventilating and glancing about wildly. Wait, what-? What happened to the fighting? Where did everyone go?

_“Calm yourself, Samuel Witwicky,”_ came a soft, tired voice from behind him.

The boy yelped, leaping to his feet and spinning around to face…a tall, fragile-looking mech with sad red optics.

“Who are you!?”

_“I am Solus Prime, young one,”_ he said gently, kneeling in front of the brunet.

###### “And I…”

Sam squeaked in surprise, whirling around again…only for his jaw to drop in astonishment as he stared upwards.

###### “…am Primus.”

“Tha- wha- wait, Primus as in the cybertronian god, Primus!?”

###### “Indeed.”

Ignoring Sam’s sputtering for the moment (Fixit had regaled him at length with stories of Sam’s spazziness), the ancient being continued on.

###### “We have much to discuss, little one. And do not worry about your friends and allies- you will be returned to only seconds after your death.”

“I don’t- wha- that- what do you mean, death!?”

 

Fixit ghosted up behind the Fallen, who was preparing to jet over to the newly-revived Optimus Prime, and…

**Thunk.**

_Never before have I been so glad for that wire trick,_ the Eradicon thought tiredly as she dragged the unconscious frame behind the shadow of the furthest pyramid. She really, really didn’t want to be found in the middle of her task.

_Please let me finish fixing what I can before I offline him so Primus can finish fixing him up…_

_Please please please please please…_

 

The Eradicon muttered irritably to herself as she went about purging the ancient virus from the Fallen’s systems. “Stupid fraggin’ irritatin’ thing even got into his fraggin’ spark…how the frag does that even work!?”

She jerked her helm up at a small noise…optics meeting those of the N.E.S.T. soldiers staring at her from just around the corner of the pyramid hiding her from the battle.

They stiffened and went to yell, only to pause as she desperately made cutting motions across her throat. Seeing them pause, she immediately went on to put her finger over her lips with a pleading expression, then gestured frantically towards the sounds of battle. She put her finger back over her mouth, then clasped her servos in front of her in a begging motion.

The squad just kind of stared at her uncertainly.

And then the Fallen began to stir, moving slightly. They brought their weapons to bear…and Fixit knocked the ancient mech back out with a swift hit to the back of his helm. She got right back to work, quietly bemoaning the fact that some of her headway had been lost. 

The squad could see the exact moment the odd-looking cybertronian remembered they were there, as she jumped, snapping her helm back up to lock optics with them again.

…and then the squad’s CO made up his mind, lowering his weapon and nodding firmly at her. In the middle of a fight or not, some of the soldiers were hard pressed not to laugh at the look of sheer relief on her face before she went back to work.

The men cast an uncertain glance at her, but proceeded to continue fighting, leaving the Eradicon to her Primus-appointed task.

 

“That’s right, run for your pathetic lives, you punks!” Jetfire shook his fist at the few remaining fleeing Decepticons (Megatron amongst them). 

“Stop moving!” Ratchet snapped at him, working desperately to try and save his fellow crotchety bot.

Jazz scowled after the retreating Cons. “Tha’ was too easy,” he said suspiciously, keeping his guard up.

“I concur,” Prowl frowned worriedly. “Especially since the Fallen has not made an appearance.”

Everyone exchanged glances, only to stare at a N.E.S.T. soldier as he stepped forwards. “I, um…I saw him, sir. My entire squad did.”

“Where and when!?” Prowl asked urgently, talking over the others’ startled exclamations. Optimus just blinked tiredly over at the men.

The squad hesitated, glancing at each other, before Sergeant Matheson stepped forwards.

“He was…well, unconscious behind that pyramid, there. He had been knocked out by an unknown mech of odd design.”

“Knocked out?”

“Unknown design?”

“Yes sirs. The unknown bot was crouched over the unconscious form of the Fallen, rooting around in his head and chest. The Decepticon started to stir as we watched, only for the winged one to knock him out again via a smack to the head.”

“An’ t’ winged one, he didn’ do nothin’ t’ yah?” Jazz asked curiously, even as Prowl picked out Autobots to go investigate behind the pyramid the sergeant had pointed out.

“No, sir…he actually did a weird pantomime when he saw us, begging us not to call attention to him or what he was doing.”

“It was actually pretty funny, now that I think about it…” one of the squad members commented in amusement.

“And when he looked so totally relieved when we decided to let him be.”

“Oh yeah, that was hilarious. He looked like my niece after I caught her in the cookie jar and decided to let her go…”

 

“Almost…there…”

Jazz and Prowl exchanged a glance at the sound of a deep, distracted voice from around the corner. Behind them, Ironhide hefted his cannons and Sideswipe readied his blades. The TIC and SIC stepped around the corner, weapons raised…

“YES!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!! TAKE THAT, FRAGGIN’ OLD GLITCHY IRRITATIN’ BLENDERS!!! I AM THE SUPERIOR HACKER, I WIN!!! HA!!!”

The Autobots stared slightly incredulously at the streamlined blue-and-purple winged mech doing a victory dance over the unconscious form of the Fallen.

“Victory is miiiiiiiiineeeeee, victory is miiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeee…” the mech chanted before spinning elegantly, dropping to one knee, and plunging an energon dagger into the Fallen’s spark, extinguishing it. And then he pulled it out, subspaced the dagger, and went right back to his dance without missing a beat.

“I am the Champion, my friend…and I’ll keep on fightin’ till the end…”

“…what the frag?” Sideswipe gaped, startling the mech into noticing they were there. He froze in an odd position, staring right back at them guiltily.

“…”

“…”

“…uhhhhhh…”

Jazz stepped forwards, lowering his weapon (but not putting it away) with a friendly grin. “Hey thare! Ah neva go’ a chance t’ thank yah for savin’ t’ newsparks an’ meh in Mission City!”

The mech reset his optics a couple of times. “…right. Yeah, no, you’re cool, I wasn’t about to let you die. Also, it messed with their plans, which is always a plus…”

“Their plans?” Prowl narrowed his optics at the winged mech, who got distracted by something. Probably a comm, since he put his servo to the side of his helm.

“Yes! He’s waking up-! Oh frag, he’s waking up and I’m not there to keep him from panicking and undoing all the repairs I made! Slaggit, sorry Jazzy, gotta go talktoyoulater’kaybye!”

“Oi-!” Jazz lunged forwards.

But it was too late, the mech had already ran off, leaping into the air to transform mid-jump, and rocketing off rapidly. He was out of range almost before Ironhide could take a shot at him, but it went wide as the obviously cybertronian-in-origin jet veered off to the east.

The Autobots watched it quickly recede into the distance in confusion, and began walking back to the others after it disappeared from view. 

Jazz lingered behind slightly, frowning in confusion. ‘Jazzy?’ he mouthed thoughtfully, tilting his helm slightly. He’d only ever heard one being call him that on Earth before…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Revenge of the Fallen is officially done and over with! Whoo!
> 
> And look, Jazz is catching onto Fixit…you can do it, Jazz! Go Jazzy! Yeah!


	22. Sunstreaker

_“Okay, so assuming I manage to fix the Fallen and then send him on to you…”_

_**“I will repair that which you cannot, youngling.”** _

_“Right. So…what happens after that? I may not have liked the live-action movies, but the third one came out just before I died. I didn’t get a chance to learn anything about its plot…other than it looked absolutely ridiculous…”_

_**“…then I suppose a summary is in order.”** _

 

Sunstreaker groaned as he slowly clawed his way back to consciousness. Blearily, his optics onlined.

_…where am I?_ he thought, frowning as he looked around the light and surprisingly airy room, considering it wasn’t actually all that big. _It looks like it was designed so claustrophobic bots wouldn’t freak just being in it…although that doesn’t make it any less ugly- why can’t I move!?_

He yanked on the restraints bolting him to the table, hissing in pain as his injuries protested.

_No way am I with the Autobots. Slaggit, I can’t believe I got captured again!_

The sound of something crashing, and creative cursing, echoed down the hallway leading out of the room. The frontliner tensed, readying himself for the Con he knew was coming around the corner…

…and an odd-looking mech with horrible paint and a large bucket over their helm tripped, face-planting just meters away from the table.

Sunstreaker reset his optics. Then he snorted.

“What? Noise- oh, you’re awake! Yes! Finally!” The mech leapt to his pedes gleefully, bouncing over to the frontliner and ignoring his warning snarl. “Are you an Autobot or a Con?”

“What kind of Con doesn’t know his own enemies?”

“The kind that is neutral, not a Con at all. Silly waffle iron…”

He continued growling at the stranger as he checked the frontliner over, but it was quieter than before. Sunstreaker studied the mech curiously, putting aside the horrible condition both their paint was in for now.

Sure enough, the weirdo really didn’t have a faction insignia. Where one would go on his sings was some kind of strange design that looked like it had been made by… _organics._ What kind of self-respecting mech went around wearing an organic design!?

The crimson-opticed mech noticed where he was looking. “It’s a pink ballerina bunny. My son put it there as a prank when he was helping me remove my previous faction insignia.”

“…son?”

“Yep. After I calmed down, I was so proud of him for actually getting me…and then of course I tormented him mercilessly for it, but, you know, I couldn’t exactly let him get away without punishment. Sets a bad example. People would start thinking they could prank me whenever they wanted, and I can’t have that, now can I?”

Sunstreaker stared flatly at the mech as he turned around to grab some parts off of the table behind him. “…you’d get along so well with my brother.”

“If your bro’s a prankster too, most likely. Oh, and you really need to tell me what side you’re on, otherwise I don’t know whether to fix or deactivate you. Now, preferably. I need to go make an alibi…”

The beat-up mech (who was inwardly bemoaning the state of his poor, precious paint) considered the entirely too cheerful winged mech standing over him darkly. The frontliner shifted slightly, internally wincing at the pain. Half-heartedly, he prodded at his bond with his twin, but it was still blocked by whatever Shockwave had shoved into his spark.

Looks like he was out of options.

“…my designation is Autobot Sunstreaker-”

“YES! YOU ARE ACTUALLY SUNSTREAKER! OH, SIDES IS GONNA BE SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!!”

Sun sputtered. “Wha- wait, you know Sides!?”

“Course I do. We’ve been planning a prank on Jazz for a while now. Though we haven’t had an opportunity to pull it off yet…”

Sunstreaker gaped as the winged mech pouted even whilst starting to repair him.

 

“Are you going to get these restraints off of me?”

“…nope!”

“WHAT!?!”

“Not until I’m done and you’re less likely to slaughter me where I stand!”

“YOU LITTLE-!”

“Now, see? That’s what I’m talking about. Slaughter. I don’t want to be slaughtered, thank you very much.”

“GET OVER HERE AND LET ME TEAR YOU INTO TINY STRIPS, YOU GLITCH-RIDDEN SMOLDERING HEAP OF FRESH SLAG!!!”

“…motivating. But ya know, I’ve got all this stuff over here to do instead…”

Incoherent rage.

Fixit rolled her optics. “Right, time to go do something else till he calms down enough for me to work on him again…”

 

“SLAGGIT, JUST TELL ME YOUR DESIGNATION ALREADY!” Sunstreaker roared in frustration as the medic cackled gleefully, dancing just out of range of his strangling servos.

“But this is so much more fun, Sun!”

Sun snarled viciously as the winged mech checked the results of the scan. He was almost done repairing the frontliner.

“Why do you call me that stupid name!?”

“Do you want me to call you Sunny, instead?”

His engine growled as he attempted to shred the mech with his claws again, the medic snickering-

The mech froze, staring at the results of his scan.

The frontliner stretched his arm as far as it could go. Almost…there…!

“Sunstreaker.”

He paused at the mech’s suddenly dead-serious tone. All he could do was stare as the previously bubbly mech met his optics with a far too old gaze.

“…what?”

“What is wrong with your spark?”

Sun flinched slightly, moving from his uncomfortable leaning position to rest back against the table. “…I’m a spilt-spark twin-”

“These are not the readings of a healthy split-spark.”

“And how the frag would you know that!?” he snarled, bristling aggressively.

“Because I used to be a split-spark. Now what happened to you?”

He was taken aback. “Wha- that’s impossible, you can’t ‘used’ to be a spilt-spark, you offline with your twin!”

“The only reason I still exist is because Primus needed me. Once my task(s) finish for good, the gift he gave me will fade, and I will offline unless I get regular donations of spark-energy from a sparkmate, which I don’t have. That being said, no matter how much pain he caused me when we were still connected, it is infinitely more painful existing without my twin…and I will not let others suffer that fate if there is anything I can do about it. Now tell me what is wrong with. Your. Fraggin’. Spark!”

He stared wordlessly up at the winged medic, who had moved to loom over him during the speech, servos braced on either side of the frontliner’s shoulders. The mech’s helm was a mere meter away from his, as crimson anguish-filled optics glared at him furiously.

Sunstreaker deflated slightly, his optics flickering to the side, unable to stand the pain in that gaze any longer. “…Shockwave shoved something into my spark to block my connection to my brother. It’s still there, the connection’s still there,” he added hastily as the medic jerked back, shock, anger, and worry flitting across his light-blue face. “It’s just…blocked.”

The winged mech stepped back, bringing his servos up to rub his face as he vented slowly and steadily. “…right. Well, at least it’s still there.”

Sun shifted uneasily on the table. What the frag was he supposed to do now? Slaggit, he sucked at dealing with people! Sideswipe was so much better at it than him!

“…okay then. Open up,” the winged medic ordered, tapping on his chest. “Let’s get you fixed up and back with your brother as quick as possible, ‘kay?”

The frontliner hesitated… “Prove it first.”

The other mech gave him a confused look. “What?”

“Prove you ar- _were_ a split-spark twin.”

The medic went very still.

Sunstreaker looked back at him defiantly.

Carefully blank red optics narrowed slightly. “Swear an oath not to harm me first.”

Sun’s own blue optics returned the look. “…I swear not to harm-?”

“…”

“…”

“…Mastermind will do.”

The frontliner raised a judgmental brow, but continued regardless. “…I swear not to harm Mastermind…for the next breem.”

The newly-dubbed ‘Mastermind’ snorted slightly in amusement, but didn’t protest the addition.

.

.

.

“Well?!” Sunstreaker snapped at the hesitant medic.

“Give me a klick, I’ve never willingly shown anyone my spark before!” Mastermind bit back. He took a deep vent in…and let it out, parting his chest plates as he did so.

The golden mech inhaled sharply as the red, bleeding black spark with a white halo came into view.

“…the bleeds are the direct result of the severed bond,” the medic muttered, closing his chest plates again and crossing his arms uncomfortably. “The white halo is Primus’ gift, and my spark is red because of a combination of natural coloration and repeated trauma. Happy now?”

Sunstreaker stared blankly at the femme’s chest plate. When he had opened them, he also purposely flared his energy slightly, allowing Sun to feel what remained of the raw, broken bond. Even better than Mastermind had probably wanted him to, seeing as how he was a split-spark twin himself and thus more familiar with what to look for. And what he felt was…

He looked up at the winged femme that was trying not to fidget in discomfort. “…how much pain are you in?” he whispered disbelievingly.

Mastermind’s face went completely blank, his frame stilling and relaxing into a neutral pose that gave nothing away. “Are you going to let me help you or not?”

Sun grimaced at the femme pulling away from him emotionally, but let it go for now. Slowly, grudgingly, he opened his own chest plates.

 

Sunstreaker stood up and stretched in relief, taking the opportunity to check over his newly-redone paintjob as well. It was… “Adequate.”

Mastermind rolled his strange red optics. “You’re welcome, your highness.”

“…for a peasant.” The mech smirked at the flat look the medic gave him.

“Hardy har har- sorry, hold on. I’ve gotta take this,” the femme turned away slightly to answer her comm, a servo coming up to the side of her helm instinctively.

The frontliner shrugged, moving to inspect the area now that he was finally free to move.

“Yeah yeah, I’m almost done here. I just gotta…hmm.”

Sunstreaker looked over warily at the thoughtful noise. He knew Mastermind well enough by now to know that was an ominous sound.

“No no, this is a good idea. Hold on…hey Sun?”

“…what?”

“Since I need to keep you ‘round a bit longer to make sure there’s no immediate medical complications…wanna help prank your brother and the rest of the Autobots? Come back with a big bang?”

The freshly-painted golden frontliner eyed the medic’s evil grin warily. “…maybe. Why?”

The grin grew. “Oh, you know…I just thought we could surprise them for, say, Hallowe’en or something…”

“…that human holiday coming up in a couple of cycles?”

“Yep.”

A matching evil grin slowly appeared. “What do you have in mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, Sunstreaker joins the Poltergeists. 
> 
>  
> 
> _As an Intern!_


	23. The Poltergeists (And Their Intern)

_**"Really, youngling?"** _

_"Hey, I had to do_ something _whilst waiting for the plot to start! So really...why not?"_

_**"As long as it doesn't end with me in a hot dog suit again..."** _

_"Spoilsport."_

 

“Right, so, we’re almost done with preparations, but there are still a couple things you can help with,” the medic proclaimed cheerfully as he bounced deeper into the warehouse, followed closely by Sunstreaker.

He eyed the damp cave walls warily. Who knew what damage that moisture could do to his brand-new paint…

The winged mech burst into a large cavern just big enough for them to walk around without bending over. Sun paused in the entrance, distracted from the danger to his paint by the sheer multitude of security feeds and screens, displaying places all over the world. It was almost as bad as one of Red Alert’s offices!

“Don’t just stand there, Sun, get over here,” the medic said distractedly. “Yo, BB, you there? I got a potential new intern!”

The golden frontliner slowly walked over, staring at a collection of screens on the left that showed a bunch of catapults and…small orange things, a couple of which were gradually leaking…colors.

“Hellooooooooo? BB? Baseball Bat? Anyone there?”

“…yeah, I’m here! Sorry MM, I was finishing up the fluff cannons…so, new recruit?”

“Yup! I’m thinking of calling him GG, or ‘Golden Ghost.’ It would suit him.”

‘MM?’ Sunstreaker mouthed in confusion. ‘Baseball Bat? Golden Ghost?’

 

“Right then, it’s official! Welcome to the Poltergeists, Golden Ghost!”

Sun raised a brow, crossing his shiny arms. “Golden Ghost?”

“Yup, it’s a codename! We all use them during October, it’s lots of fun. I’m MM, or Mastermind. BB, the first one you talked to, is Baseball Bat. The spazzy one is CF, or Coffee Freak, and the grumpy one is MB, or Mama Bear,” Mastermind declared cheerfully, ignoring BB and CF’s laughter at MB’s indignant snarl over the comm lines.

“I never agreed to that codename!” the grump snarled.

“Too bad, because it suits you perfectly! Now then, what mayhem prep do we still need to accomplish?”

 

Sunstreaker couldn’t help it. He burst into laughter, quickly clapping a servo over his mouth in a desperate attempt to muffle the noise.

Mastermind flapped a servo at him, having a hard time suppressing his own giggles as they hid in the trees to evade the patrol car.

But the irony was just too funny! Using their own security against them like that…it gave him so many ideas to use on Red Alert when he saw the mech next!

 

“C-chimichangas.”

“Ooo, right, I forgot about that…but, wait…maybe…”

CF muttered incomprehensibly to himself in cybertronian over the comm. Sun was reluctantly impressed that MM and CF didn’t need to say more than one word to each other to convey complex concepts.

“Oh, wait, CF! Chupacabra!”

“Ooo! A-and, taquito-!”

“Goat-!”

“N-neon-!”

“And cow bunny!”

“Y-YES! G-GENIUS!”

“MUA-HA-HA! THEY’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT THEM!”

Sun just kind of stared as Mastermind cackled evilly, rapidly creating some kind of video on his screen. “…right…”

 

“And now…it begins.”

Sunstreaker grinned evilly alongside Mastermind as they stood in front of the screens at one of the mech’s many hidden lairs.

“Mastermind to the Poltergeists, Operation: Prank the World…is a go. Let’s kick their afts, team!”

**“Sir yes sir!”**

 

Hallowe’en morning dawned (at 6 am, UTC London time) …and with it, the release of the Poltergeists’ prank. After last year, in which the Poltergeists hit both Oceania and Antarctica at the same time (and succeeding in their goal of pranking all the continents), the entire world lived in fear/anticipation of where and what they would strike next.

Unfortunately for the world, the internationally-wanted pranksters (and their Intern) chose to hit…all of it.

 

Baseball Bat, aka Judy Witwicky, hit the button to unleash the pumpkin catapults. Pumpkin bits, sparkly neon paint, bagged candy, and the traditional mocking letters hit the streets of every settlement in the world with a population over 250,000.

(Although they made an exception for the largest research station in Antarctica, just so they could say they hit every continent at once.)

 

Mama Bear, aka Barricade, cackled madly as he hit the button to set off the extra hidden airbags in almost every police and/or law enforcement vehicle around the world. It had taken forever, and if MM hadn’t needed so little recharge (or recruited the Shadow Geists), they never would’ve been able to pull it off effectively. But they did…and the neon feathers, sparkles, tie-dye packets, and mocking notes packed into each one exploded everywhere.

 

Coffee Freak, aka Fritz, laughed maniacally in his mind as he slipped around the U.N. Headquarters like a pro.

In his wake, paint grenades repainted every room. Screens displayed in psychedelic colors, with the set language changing at random. Jack o’ Lanterns were left everywhere, of all shapes, sizes, and designs. (Once more, Fritz blessed his subspace.) Chairs were replaced with giant, gaudy, over-stuffed monstrosities of armchairs. Various colored dyes were added to cleaning supplies, designed to only show up two hours after the cleaners were used.

And the U.N. chamber itself…was completely made over to look like it had been taken directly from the set of Tim Burton’s ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas.’

Groundbridges for the Win!

His work done, CF slipped out to go lock himself in a lair and cackle gleefully till he dropped.

 

Mastermind, aka Marie Fixit Callahan, beamed proudly as she sent the virus. Now everything on the entire Internet would be displayed backwards, and only in shades of bright pink, green, and gold for the next 24 hours!

Plus, little zombie bunnies would randomly pop up on pages all over the world for the next month to quietly sing ‘God Bless My Underwear,’ which had become the Poltergeists’ unofficial theme song.

 

Golden Ghost, aka Sunstreaker, just grinned with a wild look in his optics as he pressed the giant red button.

Fireworks, planted in strategically hidden locations around the globe, went off and burst into the sky, displaying all sorts of traditional Hallowe’en-y imagery. Dragons danced around the Jack o’ Lanterns, witches soared by on their brooms, skeletons tangoed with other monsters…and watching above them all, hovered a winged, red-eyed white ghost with a Grinning Sharp-Toothed Shadow: a Poltergeist, wearing a blue crown and a maniacal grin. Surrounding the Reigning Poltergeist were his minions: at its feet, a silver ghost with blue eyes cradling coffee with a crazy grin; to its right, a smiling ice blue ghost with green eyes brandishing a black baseball bat; and to its left, a black-and-white ghost with red eyes, scowling grumpily, with its arms crossed over its chest, dangling a silver flail from one hand.

Below the Poltergeists was a message:

> ‘Twelve years in a row, and you still haven’t caught us!
> 
> Better up your game, lads!
> 
> Have a Happy Hallowe’en!
> 
> -from your friendly neighborhood Poltergeists!’


	24. So Close...And Yet So Far

_**“So then Sentinel Prime-”** _

_“Urgh, Sentinel. He’s such a douche.”_

_**“…Fixit.”** _

_“Yeah yeah, I’m listening. Go on.”_

 

Sideswipe cursed as he walked into a massive sheet of cellophane stretched over a doorway yet again!

“Who the slag did all this!?” he cursed, echoing the sentiments of the entire base.

The Poltergeists had not lived up to their previous standards of incredibly complex pranks this year…but that was probably because this year, they succeeded in pranking the entire world. Keeping that in mind, everything they did was actually pretty impressive.

“If Ah ever get my servos on those slaggers…” Ironhide growled, brandishing his cannons.

“Ah’m more worried abou’ t’ fact tha’ t’ Poltergeists know abou’ us,” Jazz muttered, helping Prowl untangle his doorwings from the massive length of fuzzy rainbow yarn.

“Don’t worry too much about it,” Sunstreaker said casually, leaning in the doorway with a massive slag-eating grin. Attention immediately snapped to him as the Bots stared, stunned. “They know how to be discreet.”

“…SUNNY!” Sides yelled, throwing himself at his twin.

Sun yelped as he went down, not even attempting to dodge. “Watch the paint!”

Someone snickered from the other side of the door. “I like how you didn’t even attempt to dodge…”

“Shut up, Mastermind,” the golden frontliner said grumpily, wrapping his arms around his brother.

“…Mastermind?” Prowl said carefully as he and Jazz followed Ratchet forwards.

“Yup, Mastermind,” the helm of the mystery bot that killed the Fallen (which came as a total shock, once they stopped to think about it and realized only a Prime was supposed to be able to kill him) popped round the corner to confirm cheerfully. “I’m the one who came up with the Poltergeists, after all. Oh, and Hatchet? I have something for you.”

The CMO caught the datapad tossed to him, momentarily distracting him from checking over Sunstreaker. “What?”

“Sun was in bad shape when I found him. That’s a list of all the damage I had to repair…and oh slag, I’m gonna be late! Fraggit! Bye Sun, see ya later gottago’kaybye!”

Jazz lunged, trying to get to the possible Prime that kept helping them, but was delayed by the pile of twins in the doorway. By the time he got out of the room (which didn’t actually take very long), the winged medic had long since disappeared.

“Fraggit!”

 

Sunstreaker grumbled, leaning slightly against his twin as Ratchet fussed over him. The CMO had taken one look at the datapad and immediately freaked, literally dragging the two (Sides wouldn’t let go of his twin) off to medbay.

“…Ratchet,” Prowl said, wary of the twitching medic even if he wouldn’t show it openly.

“What!?” the medic snapped, causing Jazz to comically cower behind his fellow officer. Prowl scowled slightly back over his shoulder at the TIC.

Optimus vented softly. “Old friend, we need to debrief Sunstreaker-”

“He is not leaving this medbay!”

“-and would like your permission to remain here, so that you may monitor his condition as we talk,” the Prime finished, hiding a small smirk as Ratchet stared. The smirk grew slightly as the CMO grimaced sheepishly for a brief instant, but the mech quickly snapped back to his normal, curmudgeonly self.

“Fine, but if you upset him too much, I’m throwing you all out,” he grumbled, turning back to scanning his unfortunate victim- er, patient.

Prowl resisted the urge to vent, instead turning to Sunstreaker and opening his mouth…

…only to be beat to the punch by Jazz.

“Is Mastermin’ really t’ mech’s name? Or is i’ a nickname?” the saboteur asked curiously, slipping out from behind the Praxian.

The frontliner scowled at his superiors. “…codename. He’s the ringleader of the Poltergeists, who each have their own codenames. Oh, and he’s also a femme.”

“Seriously!?”

“He said it was safer for him to be disguised as a mech due to the war. I can’t exactly disagree with that.”

“True…”

“…exactly how many Poltergeists are there?” Optimus asked curiously, secretly impressed by the secretive group.

“Not including me? Four.”

Even Ratchet paused in his work to stare incredulously at the golden mech.

Sun scowled. “Yes, I know how ridiculous it sounds, but there really are only four. I think only one of them is human, though…”

“Four beings, even if three of them are cybertronian, cannot prank an entire planet in only a month,” Prowl argued.

“And yet they already had most of it done when MM recruited me.”

“MM?” Jazz asked.

“Master-Mind. MB said CF shortened it during one of his spaz attacks.”

Once again, Sunstreaker was subjected to weird looks. He rolled his optics.

“Codenames. MM and BB- Baseball Bat- were the original conspirators. MB- Mama Bear- and CF- Coffee Freak- were recruited later. They all see each other on a regular basis outside of the Poltergeists, and knew each other well before the pranks started. MM was the only one I met in person, I talked to all the others over a comm line.”

The officers exchanged glances.

“They did not meet in person while you were there?” Prowl inquired.

Sun scowled at them. “…I only woke up five cycles ago. They were pretty much done setting up. Also, they knew each other so well that they only had to say one word when it came to what they were doing and the others would immediately understand. MM and CF took great delight in showing off this ability to frustrate me.”

Jazz hummed thoughtfully as his fellow officers considered this. “…so, ya didn’ learn too much abou’ t’ others…bu’ yah were with MM. What’d yah learn abou’ ‘im?”

Sunstreaker fell silent, glaring at the officers. Prowl’s brow rose at the unexpected hesitation.

“You got attached,” he realized quietly, narrowing his optics. This…MM…must be incredibly charismatic to have earned even a smidgen of loyalty from the violently unstable Sunstreaker.

The golden mech scowled, but didn’t refute the statement. Sideswipe gaped at his twin.

“…Sunny?” he asked hesitantly, leaning forward to see his twin’s face better.

Sunstreaker huffed, scowling furiously. “It’s kind of hard to dislike someone who’s helping you solely because they don’t want to see someone else lose their twin.”

Glances were exchanged once more. 

“So MM was close t’ a pair o’ twins, an’ they offlined?” Jazz thought out loud.

“No…” Sun bit his lip in a highly uncharacteristic display of uncertainty, causing everyone to stare at him. “…he _was_ a spilt-spark twin.”

“Wha- what do you mean, ‘was!?’” Ratchet demanded, speaking for the rest of the room. 

“It is not possible for a split-spark to survive their twin’s death,” Prowl pointed out.

“I know that! But…he showed me his spark (which is how I found out he was a femme), and…the sheer amount of damage was just…”

“Damage!?” Jazz started backing behind Prowl as Ratchet’s medical programming began kicking in again.

Sunstreaker, true to form, just sneered at the medic.

“Sunstreaker…”

Sideswipe let out a tiny squeak of fear as the Hatchet loomed over the twins. “Sunny, just tell him!”

Leaning away, the golden frontliner scowled even as he complied. He’d been on the receiving end of the Hatchet’s wrath far too many times to willingly be a target.

“I made a recording of the reasons he gave for him still being online even though his twin isn’t. Here:

> ‘The only reason I still exist is because Primus needed me. Once my task(s) finish for good, the gift he gave me will fade, and I will offline unless I get regular donations of spark-energy from a sparkmate, which I don’t have. That being said, no matter how much pain he caused me when we were still connected, it is infinitely more painful existing without my twin…and I will not let others suffer that fate if there is anything I can do about it.’

“…and he asked me to help out the Poltergeists instead of just returning me directly to the Autobots to make sure I didn’t suddenly suffer any unexpected medical complications,” Sun said quietly.

Silence reigned for a long moment. And then…

“He’s running around with an unstable spark, and has given up hope on life?” Ratchet said, dangerously calm.

Jazz frowned thoughtfully, leaning on Prowl’s shoulder as he ignored the others trying to head off Hurricane Hatchet. MM was confusing. The saboteur just couldn’t read him, for whatever reason. The femme had a son; a dead split-spark twin; liked to prank, and was brilliant at it; acted like he was always incredibly busy, constantly rushing from one thing to the next; either had no EM field, or was better than even him at suppressing it; very, very good at fixing anything and everything, including bots; jumped from subject to subject rapidly, possibly on purpose, confusing whoever was listening and putting them off-balance; came up with amusing nicknames; called him ‘Jazzy;’ was brilliant at victory dances; and frag if that list wasn’t reminding him of someone he knew. But…no.

No matter how many things they had in common, Fixit Callahan couldn’t be Mastermind. 

For one, they were two different species, and Fixit definitely wasn’t a holoform.

Two, Fixit’s whereabouts were always accounted for whenever Mastermind showed up. Even if she flew, there’s no way she could evade being detected by the humans and still get there and back in enough time to pull it off.

But even if Fixit wasn’t Mastermind, that didn’t mean she didn’t know the femme. It was entirely possible, even likely, that MM was the mystery cybertronian Fixit and Miles had been in contact with for years!

…which meant they now had a lead on Mastermind.

Jazz grinned widely, scaring the Twins, who were the only ones to notice his plotting. Everyone had been too busy calming Ratchet down.

The silver saboteur commed Fixit's cell phone. 

“Yo, Fixit!”

“Jazzy! Hey, what up? Make it quick, though, I have a meeting in five.”

The medbay fell silent, its occupants all staring at Jazz. His grin grew.

“I jus’ was wonderin’ if Ah could talk t’ yah later abou’ a mutual acquaintance o’ ours…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Jazzy…so close, and yet so far.


	25. Party Preparations

_**“…are you done, youngling?”** _

_“Probably not. No, definitely not. But please, continue anyways. You’ll never finish otherwise…”_

 

Jazz paused in the doorway of Fixit’s home. Ah, so the banging noise was just Barricade slamming his helm into the wall over and over again…

“…whoa,” Sideswipe whispered. Sunstreaker scowled incredulously as Prowl reset his optics rapidly, trying not to crash. Blaster and his symbionts just gaped.

“Hey Sides, hey Jazz, hey other guys! What up?” Miles greeted them cheerfully as he and Fritz flipped around each other in the air, pulling off elaborate stunts with the aid of the giant trampolines that had replaced the floor. The spazzes were both wearing bright green jumpsuits with florescent orange leg- and arm-warmers. They also had on black bowl-cut wigs, for whatever reason…

“Oh, Miles, is that the pizza?” Judy Witwicky’s voice called out from one of the human tunnels on the second level. Sunstreaker twitched slightly in shock, unnoticed by all except his twin. Sideswipe arched a brow, but his brother just shook his helm. Later.

“Nah, it’s just some of the Autobots, Auntie,” the blond yelled back as the Shorties pulled off a synchronized pirouette. Fritz cackled gleefully as they soared through the air in time to Star Wars theme music.

“…t’ frag?” Jazz shook his helm. “Righ’, well…we need ta talk ta Fixit, quick. Can ya le’ us across?”

The bouncing ones flipped up and over onto a table by Barricade, who was just resting his helm against the wall in resignation now. The two spazzes looked at each other…and then grinned.

“Uh-oh,” Blaster muttered.

“Sure, no problem,” Miles said casually, leaning an elbow on the cackling Fritz’s shoulder. “But, uh…the only across until Mom takes it down is to bounce. So…”

“…slag,” Jazz sagged in resignation. Most of his comrades followed his lead.

Prowl just narrowed his optics at the bouncy floor, processor already working out the safest way across.

(Sunstreaker, meanwhile, was pinging Mastermind for assistance. It wasn’t hard to figure out the femme probably had something to do with this.)

 

Fixit paused in the middle of stirring the batter as she got Sun’s request. She pondered whether or not to help for a moment…then an evil grin crept across her face.

On the other side of the kitchen, Baseball Bat chuckled softly as she listened in on the two conspirators with her modified Bluetooth.

 

The Shorties put on Pirates of the Caribbean, and settle down to watch the fun.

Jazz backed up, and made a running jump for it. Being far more flexible than the average cybertronian, it was only through extensive usage of this ability that the silver saboteur made it across without either face- or aft-planting into the trampolines. Though there were some interesting poses displayed, along with a fair amount of frantic flailing.

(Miles and Fritz gave him a seven.)

Sideswipe copied the TIC, but since he wasn’t nearly as flexible, he did end up face-planting. 

A lot.

(Off to the side, Fritz and Miles cackled and whooped at the silver frontliner’s misfortune, munching on energon goodies and popcorn, respectively. Barricade had offlined his audios, and was now just watching impassively, helm propped up on one servo as he sat cross-legged on the table next to his partner and charge.)

After much frantic scrambling, Sideswipe finally managed to skitter his way across, and promptly collapsed in a heap at Jazz’s feet.

(The Shorties gave it a four; Barricade just glared at the two when they tried to get him to judge as well.)

Blaster went next, having recalled all his symbionts to his frame. Foolishly, he tried to shuffle across, and set off some of the booby traps Fixit had planted in a fit of boredom. And Sideswipe miraculously missed, for whatever reason.

(Miles and Fritz cheered, throwing their arms in the air when he hit the first one. Cade just snorted, earning him a quick glare from Prowl.)

Finally, the host mecha made it to the other side, and collapsed next to Sideswipe in a multi-colored, feathered, sparkly heap.

(He was given a five; Sides was informed points were added for sheer entertainment factor when the frontliner complained.)

Reluctantly, Prowl went next. He forwent even trying to retain any semblance of dignity, instead just crawling across the floor.

(Barricade looked far too gleeful at that. The Autobots just eyed him warily, whilst the spazzes just rolled their eyes/optics.)

The tactician almost avoided being hit by any traps, but he set off a minor one at the end. Which was inevitable, because the only way to avoid the last line was to bounce over it. And since Prowl was crawling, well…he got covered in pink silly string.

(Miles and Fritz booed him, giving him a two solely because it was amusing seeing the serious mech covered in silly string. Cade had a very hard time suppressing his gleeful cackling, but did so anyways because acting indifferent just unnerved the tactician far too much. He had upped the security almost to a Red Alert level, Fixit’s suggested tactic had alarmed him so! It was hilarious!)

Sunstreaker was up next. The other Autobots were sure that it would take forever to coax the vain mech across, given his protectiveness over his paintjob…and then the golden frontliner smirked.

He backed up two steps and took one step to the side. He paused for a moment, gathering himself…and then launched himself onto the trampolines. He leapt and twisted through the air, bouncing around seemingly randomly…and then the audience realized he was slowly making his way towards the other side…without getting hit or falling even once.

Sun bounced one final time to make a perfect landing on the other side. He straightened up and smirked at the flabbergasted expressions on his comrade’s faces.

Miles and Fritz applauded enthusiastically, Barricade reluctantly joining in. Perfect ten!

The vain golden mech grinned smugly, bowing to the judges. Then he turned and just sauntered past the other Autobots.

The saunter was the last straw for Prowl, who crashed in a rather spectacular fashion.

Barricade cackled not-so-quietly with the utmost glee.

 

After braving the bouncy floor, rebooting their processors from Sunstreaker’s unexpected display, and reviving Prowl, the Autobots finally emerged into Fixit’s kitchen/dining area. Jazz swore, clapping a servo over the SIC’s optics. The mech had just woken up, like frag he was letting him crash again so soon!

“Oh, hi! Welcome to the party!” Judy proclaimed cheerfully. She was wearing a pink wig, a red headband, and a red dress as she lugged a bowl of punch to a table on the other side of the human-sized kitchen platform.

(Sunstreaker raised a brow as he glanced her over...so this was Baseball Bat, huh?)

Ron just grunted from where he, Sam, and Bee were setting up a sound system. The Witwicky male was wearing a giant spiky white wig and robes, with two red lines falling down his face from the ends of his eyes, like tear tracks made of blood. “Judy! Why are you bringing the punch out now!? The party’s not till tomorrow!”

“Well, I figured my hard-working boys needed a treat to keep them going!”

“We’re fine- wait, did you just leave Fixit alone in the kitchen!?”

“She’ll be fine, don’t be such a worrywart.”

“If she was cooking, yes, but aren’t you mostly baking?”

“…”

“…”

“…oh shit!” Judy sprinted back towards the kitchen as a thin trail of black smoke started trickling out of the doors.

“…party?” Jazz asked carefully, batting Prowl’s servos away when he tried to remove the saboteur’s servo blocking his vision. The entire room had been made over into a ‘village’ with a strange cross between European and Asian architecture. A massive mural at the far end of the room portrayed a mountain with…strange heads carved out of it?

“Bee, what are you wearing?” Sides asked incredulously. Sunny just gaped, too horrified to speak.

The yellow-and-black mech shuffled his pedes sheepishly. He was wearing a clearly improvised giant orange toad costume.

Sam answered with a long-suffering sigh. He had on an odd green vest and an unusual silver forehead protector thing that went down the sides of his face. “It’s Miles’ birthday party, and he always has a costume/cosplay party. It’s a different theme per year, and this year is Naruto, for whatever reason. It’s usually only us, but this year he was planning on inviting all the Autobots who could come.”

“We’re wearing these costumes to ‘test-drive’ them, as Fixit would say,” Ron grumbled, turning back to the control panel. “Judy and Fixit make us do this each year, to test the fit of the costumes they custom make. Because God forbid we repeat a costume…”

“I am not wearing one of those things,” Sunstreaker proclaimed instantly, crossing his arms firmly. And repeated it over the comm to BB just in case she didn't hear him. It wasn't happening.

“Jazz, get your servo off my optics!” Prowl exclaimed in frustration. “I’m not going to crash just because they’re wearing costumes!”

The saboteur eyed the giant piles of fabric heaped in a corner. Cybertronian-sized piles…

“Yeeeaaaah, naw. Ah’m no’ takin’ tha’ risk, thanks.”

“Jazz!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points/cookies to whoever figures out who’s cosplaying as who!
> 
> (I’ll give you Bee, though- he’s just a random toad summon.)


	26. It's Raining Cosplay

_“They destroy Chicago? Seriously?”_

_**“Yes.”** _

_“…why would they choose Chicago, of all places?”_

_**“…frag if I know, youngling.”** _

 

The Autobots just stared. Sideswipe gaped incredulously.

Sunstreaker noticed them staring and scowled, turning and stomping off to the couch to destroy Barricade- who was dressed as a giant snake- in Halo.

“…Judy?” Jazz asked weakly, still staring.

“Yes, sweetheart?” the pink-wigged one turned away from the snack tables inquiringly.

“How t’ frag did Fixit get Sunny t’ wear a costume?”

And sure enough, the golden frontliner was. He- and Sideswipe, obviously the albino had planned this out well- were dressed as the Gold and Silver Brothers from Naruto.

“She’s sneaky ninja awesome, obviously.”

“So yah have no idea.”

“…pretty much, yeah. Fixit’s good at doing the seemingly impossible.”

“…Ah’m so glad Prowler decided t’ stay at base wit t’ new arrivals.”

This sentiment was echoed by pretty much all the other officers. And most of the grunts. The crash the Praxian would’ve suffered were he here…especially considering Ratchet had almost crashed at seeing Sunstreaker behaving.

(The Intern had been bribed into behaving with promises of information and prank supplies to get some petty vengeance against his brother for always dragging him into trouble later. And threatened with unending pranks by all the Poltergeists should he wreck Miles’ party. Following said threats, Golden Ghost was pretty sure he knew who most, if not all, of the internationally-wanted pranksters actually were. He was still confused about how Fixit fit into the picture, though...maybe she was one of the Shadow Geists he'd overheard BB mention?)

 

Once the sheer shock factor of seeing Sunstreaker acting…well, unlike himself, they dispersed and began to enjoy the party.

Skyfire, Ratchet, and the Arcee triplets were talking over in a corner with Epps and other NEST personnel, who were standing on a ledge. 

Skyfire was dressed as a giant white bird thing that, according to Miles, was supposed to be made out of clay. The shuttle was rather confused about how something so big and made solely out of clay was supposed to carry people around, but eventually just decided to roll with it.

The Arcee triplets were dressed as Team 8: ‘Shino’ was just wearing an oversized green hoodie; ‘Kiba’ had a black jacket and red paper triangles taped to his faceplates; and ‘Hinata’ had on a large lavender hoodie, with plastic lavender professional light filters- used to change the color of stage lights- taped over his optics.

Epps was dressed as Umino Iruka. When he asked why, Fixit told him ‘because I feel like dressing you up as Iruka for whatever reason. Now put it on!’ So he put it on. He and Will, along with a random grunt named Jameson, were the only human NEST personnel dressed up as specific characters. The others all got to just dress up as random background nin of their choosing.

And Ratchet…no one was quite sure how Fixit got him to agree to it, but…

…Ratchet was dressed as Senju Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure.

(Naturally, death threats were made should anyone laugh at him, or should any pictures be found ever. That didn’t stop them from laughing behind his back. Or the near-worship most of the NEST personnel were now treating Fixit with, either.)

 

Optimus, Ironhide, and the Lennox family (because Judy wanted to see Sarah and Annabelle) were talking with the adult Witwickys, even as they all kept a discreet eye on the Twins, Sam, and the Terrible Trio as they Halo’ed it up.

Optimus had been planning on refusing to wear a costume. And yet somehow, he ended up dressed as the Yondaime Hokage, Namikaze Minato. (He was rather confused as to how it happened, actually. One minute he was telling Fixit no, the next he was in a costume. Ironhide had burst out laughing at his confused expression.)

The black Weapons Specialist had ended up dressed as Morino Ibiki. The only reason he had agreed to wear the costume was because Fixit enlisted Annabelle’s puppy-dog eyes. (Sarah was more than happy to help encourage her daughter, too.)

Will was sporting a beard as Sarutobi Asuma, with a fake stage cigarette. Sarah was dressed as Yuuhi Kurenai, complete with red contacts and bandage dress. Her husband had been rather happy about the dress.

Annabelle was dressed up as Pakkun. Both Fixit and Sarah didn’t care that Pakkun was technically supposed to be Hatake Kakashi’s (aka Jameson’s) summon. Belle was just too cute as the little pug!

(Meanwhile, over at the giant TV, Umino Iruka and a couple random nins had joined Rock Lee, Maito Gai, the Gold and Silver Brothers, the boss snake summon Manda, and Yamato of Team Seven in their Halo fest.)

 

Jazz leaned against the wall, chatting idly with Blaster, Wheeljack, and Fixit, who was perched on the saboteur's shoulder. Steeljaw was the only one of Blaster’s symbionts who had come; Prowl had requested the assistance of the others in helping yet more newcomers get used to the base. The feline symbiont had slowly been working his way over to the Halofest, wary of Fritz.

(His fears proved unfounded when the spaz, tired of the other mech’s uncharacteristic timidity, tossed the cat a controller and demanded he be on his team. Together, they were kicking the blue team’s afts. Suck it, Blue!)

Jazz had been dressed as Killer B, because ‘both of you are totally awesome, laid-back bad-afts,’ according to Fixit. The saboteur had attempted to rhyme all the time like B did, but found it too hard to keep up all the time. (Also, some of the rhymes were really bad, causing the albino to practically order/beg him to stop.)

Blaster and Steeljaw were Kotetsu and Izumo, the eternal Chunin gate guards, respectively. Once again, because Fixit felt like it.

Wheeljack had been converted into Deidara, much to everyone’s hilarity when they realized the blond character specialized in blowing things up. (Ratchet laughed especially hard.) The inventor cheerfully went along with it, keeping up his science talk with an equally-interested Fixit.

The two were so happy talking with each other that Jazz hadn’t yet gotten a chance to interrogate the albino about Mastermind. He just didn’t have the spark to pull Fixit away from something that was making her so visibly happy.

(Which was partially because she was talking with an intellectual equal, and partially because oh sweet Primus she was talking to fraggin’ Wheeljack! This was so totally AWESOME, WHEELJACK RULED!!!)

Fixit herself had debated long and hard on who to go as. She narrowed it down to two people right off the bat, but deciding between them…

Eventually, she regretfully decided not to go as Senju Tobirama, the Nidaime Hokage…and instead put on the swirly orange lollipop mask.

 

Miles hummed happily as he put aside the last of his presents. Fixit had informed him earlier that she would only give him her present after all the others had been opened.

“Right then,” his mom clapped her gloved hands together as she hopped to her feet. “Manda, if you would please turn on the TV…?”

“Ooo, my present involves the TV-?”

“Miles.”

The spaz started at the unusual seriousness. He frowned at his mom.

The albino took a deep breath, thankful for the mask hiding her nervous expression. “…keep in mind that you’ll probably hate me for a couple of years because of your present.”

Miles was starting to get seriously worried, now. “…Mom?”

“Listen.”

Everyone turned their attention to the news report on the screen.

“…and in other news, Marie Callahan has announced that she will retire in three years! The founder and CEO of the global corporation GreenTech declared that she was getting too old to deal with ‘this kind of s**t.’ Over the course of the next three years, she will be training her successor, her adopted son Millennium Callahan, whom she will appoint as CEO upon her retirement!

This came as a total shock to the entire world, as until now, no one was aware Callahan had any family whatsoever! Everyone is wondering just who this Millennium is, and what he will be like…”

“…what does Callahan’s successor have to do with Miles?” Sideswipe asked in confusion.

“…YOU’RE MAKING ME THE FRAGGIN’ CEO!?!” Miles gaped at his sheepish-looking mother.

“…in three years, after I retire, but…yes.”

He continued gaping. “But…I don’t…I can’t run a global corporation! I don’t know how!”

“Which is why I’m retiring in three years. That gives me plenty of time to finish your training.”

“Finish!?”

“I’ve been sneakily training you and Sammy in business for years. What do you think all those games were for?”

“But…that…Sam was better at them, why not him?!”

“I don’t want to be a CEO, Miles,” Sam piped up, his arm around Mikaela’s waist. “And Auntie Fixit has had me working with GreenTech’s Public Relations office for several years, now, ever since I told her I eventually wanted to be the Autobots’ official human liaison.”

“But…”

Fixit sighed, pulling her mask up to rest on top of her head as she stepped forwards. “Miles,” she said gently, cupping his face in her hands. “I made you my chosen successor because I know you will quite possibly be the best CEO GreenTech has ever had…or will ever have. You share my devious traits, and my sturdy moral compass. Although you do definitely tend to actually obey the law and conventional morals far more than I do,” she admitted sheepishly, causing Fritz and Barricade to snort in amused agreement. “Regardless, you’ll be good for the company…and I think the responsibility will be good for you as well. I wouldn’t have made you CEO if I thought you couldn’t be happy in life, even with the position. I know you- you thrive on challenges, more so than Sam. And being the CEO is nothing but a challenge.”

He leaned his head against her shoulder as he thought it over, both of them ignoring the shell-shocked guests.

(“…Fixit’s Marie Callahan…? T’ inventor…an’ t’ riches’ an’ weirdes’ person in t’ world?” Jazz said weakly. Barricade smirked smugly as he nodded, rendering everyone except him, Fritz, and the Witwickys speechless once more.)

“…and another reason why you put off your retirement for three years was to give me time to make sure this was really what I wanted to do, wasn’t it?” Miles raised his head to give his mother a Look.

She grinned sheepishly. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“…then I suppose I’ll have to give it a try.”

Mother and son smiled at each other in understanding. And then Fixit’s grin turned evil.

“So, CadeCade, Fritz, you two are going to be my heir’s bodyguards, yes?”

The two choked. **“WHAT!?!”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And people finally find out Fixit is Marie Callahan! It’s only taken, what, twenty-five chapters?
> 
> And Jazz has once again missed an opportunity to ask about Mastermind…


	27. The Schedule from the Pit

_“…you know, the more I learn about this, the less I want to see it happen.”_

_**“…and what would you suggest, youngling?”** _

_“That we completely sabotage it right from the start.”_

 

Fixit vented heavily. This was totally necessary to complete wreck the events of Dark of the Moon, but…so much work. It’d all be worth it, though…hopefully…

She jumped lightly, the reduced gravity of the moon turning it into an impressive leap. Transforming, she sped off back towards Earth, leaving behind the immobile figure of Sentinel Prime and the five Pillars around him.

 

Miles collapsed into Sam’s arms dramatically. “Kill me now,” he groaned pitifully.

“Miles!? What’s wrong!?” Sam panicked as Bumblebee and Mikaela hovered over the two. The nearby Autobots and NEST members also looked up in concern.

“How does Mom do it!?” the blond wailed as his guardian trudged in. Barricade ignored the tensing of the Autobots in favor of crashing into the wall, sliding down it to rest in a heap of groaning metal. Fritz was sprawled on his shoulder, nearly passed out from exhaustion.

“…do what?” Prowl asked slowly, staring at the other cruiser in wary confusion.

“Exist,” Cade grumbled, burying his faceplates in his knees.

“Run an entire fraggin’ company, invent new things, spend time with her family, and whatever random agenda Hot Dog set her!” Miles whimpered in reluctant awe. “All we’ve been doing for the past two days is helping out with the company, and we didn’t get to everything, and Tristan, the VP, says Mom does all of that and more! Alone!”

Jazz whistled as the other Autobots gaped. “Slaaaaaag. Ah knew she was busy, bu’ tha’s jus’…wow.”

“What’s wow?” Fixit asked as she bounced in through the door. And then she took in the semi-conscious Terrible Trio. “Why are you lot so tired?”

Barricade and Miles stared incredulously at her. **“You left us in charge of the fragging company!”** they yelled.

“…”

“…”

“…and what does that have to do with how tired you are?” the albino asked slowly, honestly confused.

Seeing as the two exhausted ones were struck speechless, Prowl decided to speak up.

“Ms. Callahan, exactly how busy is your schedule?”

She blinked at him. “…what? Where did that come from?”

“Fixit, jus’ answer t’ question, please?” Jazz frowned, getting up to scoop her into his arms and hold her against his chest. She gave him a weird look, but obliged, settling back against his chest as she did so. 

“Okaaaaay…um. I dunno, it changes from day to day…I guess I’ll just give you last month or something. Sooo…okay, I woke up. Wrote down plans for improvements, new inventions, that sort of stuff. Then I set up a trap for the Terrible Trio and made Miles’ breakfast whilst chatting to Judy over the phone. The boys stumbled in and I proceeded to ignore them yelling at me/eating in favor of texting Tristan, my Vice President, about meetings and business deals and other such slag.

After that, I gave the boys their chores for the next few days and headed out. I flew to China for a meeting, and on the way over I conducted four profitable business deals over the phone. On the drive to the meeting, I checked in with Tristan and the board via a conference call. After that, I reviewed possible candidates for the position of NEST liaison whilst receiving a report on how discrediting Galloway was doing. Then I indulged in a brief cackle.”

The entire room resisted the urge to facepalm. 

“Checked over the stock market quickly, texted Tristan recommendations for new investments. Then I went through the meeting, doodled on scratch paper and refined the things I came up with that morning. The meeting finished about three-”

“You got all that done before three!?” Miles gaped at his mother.

“Well, three according to Pacific Coast Time, yes. Beijing’s about sixteen hours ahead, which would’ve made it…oh, 7am over there? Yeah, sounds about right. Anyways, after that, I hopped over to Japan for another meeting, finalizing the designs on the way over. Sent them to Tristan and dove into the meeting. Finished that up, popped over to an international robotics conference nearby and spent an hour or two indulging. They had one of the Poltergeists’ robot Zombie Bunnies too, which was amusing and kinda cool.”

Barricade snorted, resting his helm against his knees again as Prowl twitched, giving him a suspicious glare. Jazz pulled a servo away from around Fixit to lay it on the Praxian’s shoulder, silently telling him to calm down. The albino hid a smirk at evidence of how well her plan was working. It was far easier to get Prowl to show emotion now that he was constantly stressed out about Cade’s inaction.

“After that I headed over to Germany. Worked on…well, things you’re not really supposed to know on the way over there. But I got a fair amount done, although code is not my fav thing in the world…right! Spoilers! Anyways, moving on…”

Jazz smirked, shaking his helm in fond exasperation as Prowl gave her a flat stare. The rest of the room was torn between the two officers’ reactions.

“So, got there around…6pm-ish? Which was about 3am over there. So I ran a couple errands, caught up with my underworld contacts, plotted a couple of new pranks to pull until it was time for the 7am meeting. Debated, argued, etc., etc. Once it was over, I ran around Europe setting up some of the pranks, and only just made it to Zurich in time for the meeting. Stupid flies…but I beat them all, haha!”

Brows were raised at the non sequitur as the albino got distracted. Then she shook herself all over.

“Right, focusing. Okay, so then I got out of there and ran around doing a couple more errands. Popped into GreenTech HQ in South Africa, chatted with Tristan, bullied the board into doing what I want, kicked the research division into gear on my new designs, visited the aid centers we have set up around Africa, and planted a couple of trees in Madagascar before heading back home to help Judy make dinner…probably about a day after I left. Socialized, mocked CadeCade and Fritz, plotted and planned, worked with the research division over in HQ via video call, attended meetings in San Francisco, Portland (OR), Washington DC, Montreal, and Dallas (not necessarily in that order), came back home, made dinner with Judy. Went home with the Terrible Trio, played a couple rounds of Halo with them, worked more on things you don’t get to know, and then went to bed. And…yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

The entire room was just staring at her incredulously as she finished.

“What?”

“Fixit…” Jazz said slowly, looking at her like he’d never seen her before. “How long do yah go withou’ recharge?”

“Recharge is for the weak,” she answered absentmindedly, already doing something on her phone.

“When do you eat?” Mikaela asked worriedly. 

Sam, Miles, and Barricade all shuddered in unison. **“Don’t ask.”**

Then Sam proceeded to panic about thinking the same thing as an ex-Con. Cade, Fritz, and Fixit looked far too amused at that. Miles and Mikaela rolled their eyes, trying to get the spaz to calm down.

Prowl frowned. “Excuse me?” 

Fixit rolled her eyes. “I have some customized shakes that I drink. Fritz and I are the only ones that like them.”

“Because they’re disgusting!” Miles shuddered.

“And Fritz would consume anything at least once,” Barricade muttered, side-eyeing his partner sourly.

The spazzy symbiont just snickered at them.

“Well, a’ leas’ ya ea’…” Jazz vented, rubbing his helm with his free servo.

“Yeah, once a day!” Sam called up, shamelessly tattling on her.

Fixit gave him the evil eye as Jazz frowned down at her in concern, pulling her closer to his chest plate. Her godson chuckled nervously before starting to back up slowly. He went a little faster as the glare increased when Prowl started lecturing her.

“Your diet requires you to eat at least four small balanced meals a day-”

“Whoa, wait, why do you know my dietary requirements?” the albino’s attention snapped over to Prowl. Sam immediately booked it to hide behind his Guardian on the other side of the room.

The Autobot SIC raised a brow. “Ratchet secured a copy of your medical reports from your doctor. He was concerned about your health.”

Fixit had gone very still at Prowl’s answer. Barricade, Fritz, and Miles all snapped to attention at that, eyeing her warily.

“…Fixit?” Jazz asked slowly, after a moment of silence.

Her eyes narrowed slightly. “It would seem I need a new doctor,” she hissed darkly. The Terrible Trio started shuffling away from her discretely. “My previous one was far too loose-lipped.”

“…I’s no’ t’ doc’s fault, Fixit,” the saboteur said sheepishly. “When Ratch couldn’ ge’ t’ info by askin’, he hacked yahr doc’s records.”

All was quiet for a moment…then Fixit’s phone snapped in her hand from the pressure she put on it.

“Fixit?!” Jazz yelped in concern upon seeing a drip of energon down her hand, free servo coming up to hover around her worriedly. “Frag, we need t’ ge’ yah t’ Ratch ‘fore tha’ poisons yah!"

She jumped as his servo closed securely around her and he headed towards the door. “Wait, what? No! Jazz, let me go! I’m fine!”

“Like frag yah are! Ah’m takin’ yah t’ Ratchet afore yah die of energon poisonin’!”

“Wha-!? I’m not poisoned, let go! Jazz!” She began struggling in earnest as they passed the doorway.

“Fraggit, Fixit, Ah’m no’ gonna jus’ stand ‘ere an le’ yah die! Energon is poisonous t’ humans, why would yah pu’ i‘ in yah phone!”

“FRAGGIT JAZZ, LET GO! I’M NOT GOING TO DIE YET, GET OFF!”

“LIKE SLAG! YER GOING T’ RATCHET!”

Everyone gaped after the fading voices as the worried silver saboteur stormed out of the room, the struggling albino in his grasp shouting curses back at him. Their voices faded down the hall, leaving a shell-shocked room behind them.

Prowl just kind of stared after the TIC in shock. He’d hardly ever seen that mech shout, much less in worry…

“…is it just me, or did that sound like a Guardian fussing over his injured Charge?” Wheeljack asked slowly. Skyfire still had a cube of energon suspended half-way to his open mouth.

“…now that you mention it…he always has tended to fuss over Fixit…” Bumblebee said slowly.

Prowl gave into the urge to bury his faceplates in his servos. Of all the beings to choose as a charge, why did the saboteur have to fixate on the most suspicious and confusing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Prowl…Jazz is always complicating things for him…
> 
> So yeah, neither Jazz nor Fixit know that the saboteur’s guardian protocols have activated yet, much less that they’ve latched onto Fixit. 
> 
> Ah, Jazz. The one thing both Primus and Fixit couldn’t see coming.
> 
> Solus, on the other hand…


	28. The Mask Crumbles

_**“Youngling, if we do that, we won’t have any way to predict what comes next!”** _

_“I’m sorry, are you forgetting that I’m sneaky ninja awesome?”_

_**“…you already have a plan, don’t you?”** _

_“Oh yes. Yes I do. And although it’ll probably earn me the condemnation of the Autobots, well…I’m only alive because I’m a ruthless, cold-hearted bitch who’ll do pretty much anything to save myself and my family. I- I don’t care if I gain the Autobots’ enmity- what difference is watching out for one more threat going to make when I’m used to being surrounded by enemies 24/7? The answer? It’s not. So I- I don’t care. I d-don’t…”_

_**“…if you keep telling yourself that, you might even believe it.”** _

_“…oh darn, you’ve caught on to my master plan. Whatever shall I do now?”_

 

“…hey, Judy?”

“CadeCade? What’s wrong? You almost never call me…”

“We have a problem.”

 

“GET OUT HERE!!!” Ratchet roared, brandishing his wrench in the saboteur’s direction furiously.

“LIKE FRAG!!!” came the muffled reply as Fixit shifted slightly. Jazz let out a series of disgruntled grunts as he tried not to move, so as not to accidentally crush the albino. When Fixit had realized she couldn’t escape Jazz or the upcoming exam, she somehow managed to crawl inside the silver Solstice, and was currently hiding in his chest. Somehow.

To Ratchet’s frustration, she had managed to hide in a spot where she would be crushed if the saboteur opened his chest plates to retrieve her. And out of reach of any of the other bots. As such, they were currently at an impasse.

“Fixit, c’mon, please come ou’,” Jazz pleaded, carefully looking down at his chest.

“Nuh-uh! I’m not going anywhere near the Hatchet!”

Optimus vented heavily, rubbing his helm as Ratchet cussed out the hiding albino for using his hated nickname. Next to him, Prowl was frowning thoughtfully. Ironhide just seemed torn between amusement and annoyance…as did Lennox, who was perched on his guardian’s shoulder.

“Ms. Callahan, please come out. No one is going to harm you,” the Prime stated calmly, hiding his mild irritation well.

“Frag off!”

“Ms. Callahan,” Prowl said suddenly, taking a step closer to the TIC. “Why are you so afraid of Ratchet?”

“Because I hate being confined!”

Everyone paused, resetting their optics (or blinking, in Will’s case) in surprise.

“…why would Ratchet confine you?” Prowl asked carefully, taking another step closer to the worried silver saboteur.

Indistinct mumbling came from Jazz’s chest.

“I beg your pardon?”

“…I said, I am in bad shape and if the Hatchet got his servos on me, he’d never let me leave! Now frag off!”

Startled glances were exchanged, even as both Ratchet and Jazz twitched. The CMO, because of his active medical programming, and the saboteur because of his recently (forcibly) activated guardian protocols, even if he didn’t know about them yet.

“If you are ill and you know it, why have you not done anything about it!?” Ratchet raged, waving his wrench around wildly and almost hitting Prowl’s doorwing.

“BECAUSE IT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE FIXED, ALRIGHT!?! SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

“AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT!? BESIDES, HUMAN MEDICINE IS HORRIBLE AND BARELY WORTHY OF BEING CALLED MEDICINE-”

“I HAVE SEVERE BRAIN AND NERVE DAMAGE, ALONG WITH A HEART INJURY! MOST OF THE BRAIN AND NERVE DAMAGE HAS BEEN REPAIRED, BUT THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO FIX ALL OF IT, AND THE HEART INJURY IS IMPOSSIBLE TO REPAIR, SO JUST FRAG OFF ALREADY!!!”

The CMO let out a strangled, frustrated growl, servos clutching at thin air. Jazz was just frozen, staring down at his chest blankly. 

Ratchet turned and began rampaging around the medbay, causing Optimus, Ironhide, and Prowl to spring into action and try to minimize the damage. Will wisely decided to leave this to the Autobots, and made a break for the door.

The saboteur stared silently, oblivious to the commotion as he focused on the feeling of the small being fidgeting inside his chest. He vented shakily.

“…Fixit…” he trailed off, his vocalizer failing him.

He felt her shift again, brushing against his inner mechanics.

“…Fixit, please, jus’…come ou’. Please.”

“…n-no. It won’t do any good. I refuse to be confined aga- I refuse to be confined.”

Jazz clenched his jaw at the small slip-up. “Please, Fixit. Jus’ le’ Ratch check yah over. Jus’ in case.”

“I d-don’t- I don’t want to,” she admitted in a very quiet voice, curling in on herself.

“Ah promise Ah won’ le’ Ratch keep yah here if yah come ou’ willingly…”

“B-but I don’t…I don’t want…”

“Don’ wan’ wha’, mah little hellion?”

_“…I don’t want you to hate me…”_ she whispered, barely audible over the sounds of Ratchet’s rampage.

Jazz’s world just stopped for a second. Had she really just said…?

He could feel her shaking slightly, even as she curled up tighter. Carefully, the saboteur opened his chestplates, Fixit having shifted just enough in her distress that he could do so without crushing her. She jerked and squeaked in startled surprise as his servo wrapped around her swiftly, pulling her out. Jazz held her up to his faceplates, giving her a serious gaze even as he closed his chest.

“I will never hate you, Fixit,” he said solemnly, dropping his accent so she would know he was serious. “I promise.”

Her breath caught as she stared at him, red eyes wide-open and vulnerable for the first time he could remember. Fixit searched his gaze, looking for any signs he was lying…and couldn’t find any.

She swallowed convulsively. “I- I don’t- I just…I want to believe you, but…but I just…”

Jazz lightly tightened his grip around her, lips thinning in sudden understanding. “You’ve been betrayed too many times, haven’t you?”

She squeezed her eyes shut, curling up into a slightly-shaking defensive ball. “…yes,” she confirmed with a whisper.

His engine rumbled dangerously, even as he tucked her against his neck, under his chin. “…then I’ll just have to prove it to you…as many times as needed.”

The albino shivered, curling up tighter…but carefully reached out a single shaking hand to lightly grasp onto his finger. He started humming quietly, leaning against the wall as he tried to reassure his new Charge.

 

Prowl frowned over at the saboteur leaning against the wall, cradling something against his neck. Was he…humming?

“Ratchet,” the SIC said quietly.

“What,” the recently talked-down CMO snapped, glaring at the Praxian.

Prowl inclined his helm in Jazz’s direction. “I believe Jazz has succeeded in prying out Ms. Callahan.”

Ratchet’s helm snapped over. He practically leapt to his pedes as he dashed across the room, skidding to a halt before the silver Solstice.

“Jazz-!”

“Easy, Ratchet,” the saboteur warned darkly, any hint of his accent long-gone. “She’s on the verge of a panic attack.”

The entire room stiffened in surprise. Jazz only ever dropped his accent when he was deadly serious, something that was very rare when he wasn’t on a mission.

Ratchet frowned…but nodded in understanding, reluctantly taking a small step back. The last thing he wanted to do was cause one of his patients to injure themselves further.

Jazz vented quietly. “…Fixit, can Ratch check yah ova? Please?”

The only reply was a quiet whimper, causing everyone to stiffen in surprise. Fixit was so…indomitable, and always on top of things. To hear her so afraid…it was just wrong.

“Fixit?! Jazz, where’s Fixit!?” Judy cried out in concern as she burst into the medbay, causing all attention to suddenly snap to her.

“J-Judy…h-hurts…” the albino whimpered softly before anyone had a chance to reply. Jazz tried to pull her away from his neck to check on her, but swiftly ceased his efforts when she started breaking down.

Ratchet hovered, wanting to help but knowing he would only make things worse right now.

“Ratchet, pick me up so I can get to her! Now, before she hurts herself again!”

“Whadda mean, again!?” Jazz yelped worriedly as the CMO scooped up the woman, depositing her on the saboteur’s wrist.

“Not now, later! Fixit, sweetheart, it’s okay, calm down, I’m here...”

“H-hurts…” the albino sobbed quietly. “W-wanna g-go h-home…”

“I know, sweetheart, I know…come here…”

“I-I w-want-t m-my c-creep-per-r…”

“Oh, sweetie…shh, it’s okay…everything will be alright, I promise…”

“H-hurts…”

“I know…”

Jazz looked stricken as he held the two against his neck. Ratchet was almost out of his mind with worry- it looked to be taking everything he had not to snatch the albino away from the TIC.

Optimus, Ironhide, and Prowl shared a gravely worried look. None of them had ever seen this kind of behavior from Fixit; she just wasn’t one to share any perceived vulnerabilities. Ever.

…and if it weren’t for the fact that Judy was acting like this was a semi-regular occurrence, Prowl would’ve thought the albino was faking it. No one was that unstable without it impacting their everyday behavior. But then again…how often did any of them actually see Fixit on a day-to-day basis? She herself admitted that even her son went for a couple of days at a time without seeing her on a regular basis.

…which meant she probably did show signs of instability…but had a strong enough will to hide the effects until she was totally alone.

The SIC vented heavily as he listened to the albino hiccup unhappily. Of course Jazz had to pick the most suspicious and unstable human he could find as his charge…

…frag, he wanted a vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Prowl…anyone would need a vacation after dealing with Fixit for too long…


	29. Mastermind

_**“…you do not have to do this, youngling.”** _

_“…this plan has the best chance of succeeding…and minimizing casualties as much as possible.”_

_**“But if it even so much as grazes you-!”** _

_“I know, Primus!”_

 

“Come on, sweetheart, it’s okay…Ratchet’s not going to hurt you.” Judy gently coaxed Fixit away from her position latched onto Jazz’s neck and out onto his open servo.

Shakily, the albino followed her, cringing under the Autobots’ gazes. Optimus and Ironhide had left (to minimize sources of potential anxiety, per Judy's request), but Prowl remained behind to help calm Jazz if necessary. And Judy had assured them he probably would be needed. Naturally, this did not help the saboteur’s state.

“That’s it, honey…come on…”

Fixit hesitated just under the saboteur’s chin, turning a pleading look on the Witwicky matriarch.

Judy sighed, shoulders slumping. “I’ve been worried about your health ever since I heard your story all those years ago, Fixit. But…until Ratchet came along, there wasn’t anyone qualified to help you. And looking back now, it’s pretty clear that despite all the measures you’ve taken, your health has declined over the years.”

The albino scowled.

“Yes, I know that’s not your fault. You needed things, materials you didn’t have. Slag, even Ratchet probably doesn’t have most of what you need. But he does have some of it, and I am all for **anything** that could help you. Watching you slowly waste away has been _**agonizing,**_ Fixit. Please, just…let him try to help.”

The albino swallowed, cringing slightly. But she reluctantly came the rest of the way out, joining Judy on Jazz’s servo.

 

“Fixit, come on, just take it-”

“NO!”

Prowl vented heavily, giving into the urge to rub his helm. Ratchet couldn’t scan the albino until she took off the sensor block she wore to prevent precisely that. Unfortunately, Fixit was being rather…uncooperative.

The CMO was having a very hard time refraining from just ripping the slagging pendant off of her neck. The only reason he hadn’t so far was because it would almost definitely cause another breakdown, which would be detrimental to her health.

“Fixit, c’mon, jus’ take i’ off-”

“No,” she snarled, clutching desperately at said pendant, an odd, frantic look in her eye.

“Right, that’s it!” Judy burst out, moving forwards to loom over and glare at the alarmed albino. “Marie Fixit Callahan, take the pendant off right now, or so help me, I will bring out the Spider!”

Fixit flinched back violently, a panicked whine escaping her as she almost fell off of Jazz’s servo. He quickly brought up his other servo, barely catching her before she fell.

“Wha’ t’ slag-!?” the saboteur cried accusingly, but was cut off by Judy marching over and slapping Fixit. Hard.

The Witwicky matriarch ignored the shocked (and angry, in Jazz’s case) reactions of the others in favor of crouching down in front of the albino, looking at her calmly.

“Better?”

Prowl was just about to grab Judy, pulling her away from Fixit, when-

“Y-yeah. Thanks, Judy.”

Prowl froze, servo just centimeters away from the woman.

“Whadda yah mean, ‘thanks!?’ She hi’ yah!”

“Yeah, and if she hadn’t, I’d still be freaking out and I probably would’ve hurt myself again. So…yeah.”

The Autobots just stared at the suddenly rational woman. She looked back at them calmly, albeit slightly sheepishly as she shrugged.

“Sometimes I can’t snap out of it without external physical stimulation. Slightly violent stimulation usually works best, considering my history.”

“Your history?” Ratchet questioned, looming over her. She grimaced, looking up at him.

“Yes, my history. I distinctly remember telling you before I’d been tortured. Think I said it at a party…”

“Yes, I remember that! Why else do you think I was so insistent on examining you!?”

“…which was also partially why I was being so insistent on avoiding you. Medical exams usually trigger flashbacks, unfortunately. As for the other reason, well…”

Prowl narrowed his optics, even as he tightened his grip on Jazz’s shoulder. The saboteur had tensed rather dramatically at the reminder of her trauma.

“Other reason?” the SIC inquired, staring appraisingly at the visibly-nervous albino.

She hesitated. Judy gripped her shoulder with a warm smile, before moving back.

Fixit took a deep breath as she stood up and removed the sensor block. Ratchet immediately began scanning her…only to freeze in shock.

“What…but…that’s…”

She offered him a wry grin. “No, it’s not malfunctioning. I’m…well, I suppose it’s just easier to show you.”

And then she jumped off of Jazz’s servo (who cried out in alarm)…and transformed.

Mastermind straightened up from the crouch he landed in, moving away slightly so he could turn and face them. Judy was snatched up from the stunned saboteur’s servo and moved to the winged mech’s shoulder.

The winged cybertronian grinned sheepishly and waved a servo, his resemblance to Fixit startlingly clear with that single mannerism. “…hi?”

Jazz, Prowl, and Ratchet all glitched in unison.

The two women stared at their unconscious bodies…

_Click._

“Fixit!” Judy snapped, stifling laughter with difficulty.

“What?” the femme replied innocently as she saved the image.

After all, who was she to pass up potential blackmail?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, Fixit is finally found out…
> 
> …and she got blackmail out of it as well. Because it’s Fixit, and she always somehow turns events to her personal advantage.


	30. Never Glitch in Fixit's Presence

_**“The rust cannon destroys even the spark, youngling!”** _

_“…ow. Painful way to end up in the Well-”_

_**“They do not end up in the Well! The spark is destroyed, permanently! Erased from existence!”** _

_“…like…?”_

_**“…yes…like your twin.”** _

_“No, Fixit,” was the first thing Jazz heard as his processors rebooted._

_“But Judyyyyyy…”_

_Groggily, the saboteur onlined his optics…to see Mastermind standing over him, pink spray paint at the ready. He yelped in alarm, swiftly rolling away and to his pedes. Idly, he noted Prowl and Ratchet propped up against the wall, both unconscious._

_“Oh, come on! Fraggit, Judy, I complete lost my chance at gaining yet more blackmail!”_

_“More!?” Jazz sputtered, still not entirely sure what was going on. When and how did Mastermind get here?_

_“You have more than enough blackmail, Fixit,” Judy said, rolling her eyes from where she was perched on her friend's shoulder._

_“Do not…you can never have enough blackmail…”_

__Thunk.__

_The two women started, looking back at…Jazz’s once more unconscious form._

_“…oh sweet Primus, he glitched again! Yes! I’m never letting him forget this!!!” Fixit cackled gleefully, snapping more pictures and prepping the paint._

_Judy just laughed, not even attempting to stop her this time. It was the saboteur’s own fault for glitching…again!_

_Ratchet made a noise somewhere between a groan and a growl as he came to._

_“…what was that?” a female human voice said incredulously, with more than a hint of amusement._

_“Pfft!" Ladies and gentlemechs, may I present…the Ratch-e-ter, a rare cybernetic hybrid of a badger and a bear! Ooo and aww at its sheer grumpiness, but beware! Stay back! Its temper is easily provoked, and has been known to kill if there is a wrench at hand! The Ratch-e-ter is easily one of the most volatile and dangerous beasts in the universe! Many fine men lost their lives capturing this prime specimen…”"_

_Judy ooed and ahhed accordingly. Ratchet had onlined his optics by now, and was just glaring. As Fixit’s speech went on, the growling of his engine slowly got louder and louder…_

_…and then the fury of the Hatch-e-ter was unleashed!_

_Fixit and Judy dove for cover as wrenches flew swiftly towards them._

_" “Alas, it has escaped! Quickly, we have but one chance for survival! To the supply closet!”"_

_Prowl groaned as he stirred, recognizing the signs of a glitch._

_“Good morning, sleeping beauty!” a deep voice chirped cheerfully._

_“Stop that,” a human female admonished…Judy Witwicky?_

_“Whyyyyyy?”_

_“You’ll make him glitch again.”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…so?”_

_“Fixit!”_

_“But Judyyyyy…”_

_Prowl froze…and slowly onlined his optics, looking up to see Mastermind- no, Fixit- crouched in front of him, arguing with the human on his shoulder._

_He just stared at them for a long minute. Eventually they noticed his staring, falling silent and looking right back._

_The Praxian frowned. “How do you change your size and mass so drastically?”_

_“…I dunno. The transformation sequence affects the amount of mass, and when I transform down, I think the extra is stored in a special subspace compartment…?”_

_“…hmm. Would you object to Wheeljack examining the process?”_

_“…so long as he obeys the boundaries I set beforehand and shares the information he gains with me…sure, why not.”_

_Judy just shook her head in mild disbelief as Prowl, of all people, just accepted the fact that Fixit was Mastermind. Who would’ve thought?_

_“Good. Then…” The SIC paused, finally catching sight of what was behind Fixit._

_“What?” She tilted her helm curiously._

_“…why is Ratchet in his alt. mode, revving his engine in fury, and immobilized by heavy chains?”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…the Hatch-e-ter attacked,” Fixit nodded matter-of-factly._

_Ratchet’s engine roared in fury._

_Prowl gave into the urge to bury his faceplates in his servos._

_Fixit stared at the black-and-white tactician. “…that’s how you want to break the news of my alter ego to the rest of the Autobots?”_

_Prowl smiled calmly. “Yes.”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_Fixit burst into truly maniacal laughter._

_Prowl’s smile gained an edge, turning it into a tiny smirk. Ratchet gaped at him._

_“Prowl, you…evil genius!”_

_“Thank you. That is quite the compliment, coming from you.”_

_“…evil…genius…”_

_“What is this about, Prowl?” Optimus questioned his SIC quizzically. He refused to show it, but the anticipatory grin on Fixit’s face made him rather nervous._

_In fact, her grin made all the assembled Autobots nervous. Especially since Prowl, who had always been incredibly suspicious and borderline hostile to the albino…was currently letting her sit on his shoulder._

_Prowl smiled serenely in response to his Prime’s question, scaring the slag out of everyone in the room. “Ms. Callahan has something important to share. If you would…Mastermind?”_

_The entire room choked in shock at his last word…and then Fixit jumped off his shoulder and transformed in mid-air. Mastermind landed in a crouch. Slowly, he straightened up…_

_“Yo! What up?” the winged medic waved cheerfully._

_Optimus, Ironhide, Bumblebee, both sets of twins, the Arcee triplets, Blaster and his symbionts, Wheeljack, and Skyfire all glitched in unison._

_Fixit cackled madly, taking one picture after another._

_And then she laughed even harder at the smug look on Prowl’s face- now they knew and shared his pain! - even as she captured the evidence._

_If she played her cards right, she could probably get Barricade to glitch from that one photo alone!_

_(Ratchet just shook his helm incredulously in the background. This was it. Prowl had finally cracked. But the exam could wait until _after_ explanations for this processor-ache had been given.)_

_Wheeljack was the first to wake up, and promptly engaged Fixit in a discussion of how she shifted her mass with nerdy glee, despite his aching helm._

_Prowl huffed in quiet amusement, even as he and Ratchet held Ironhide back from automatically attacking the winged medic (highly reluctantly, in the CMO’s case). The rest of the Autobots just kind of…stared._

_“…you were kidnapped by the ancient Primes from an alternate universe, ordered to watch Sam Witwicky and ensure he fulfills his destiny, and then just…dumped here without anything but a third alt. mode?” Blaster summarized, staring at the Eradicon in disbelief along with the rest of the Autobots. Prowl included, as Fixit had refused to share her story more than once._

_“Pretty much, yeah. Except I didn’t know about the third alt. mode at the time- I discovered it by accident. And nearly killed myself in the process, but, you know, whatever.”_

_“…‘whatever?’” Skyfire gaped in disbelief. “You almost offlined yourself!”_

_She looked at him oddly. “…it’s not like I’ve never done that before, you know. I’ve almost offlined myself a number of times.”_

_They all looked faintly disturbed by her easy acceptance of that._

_“…what, exactly, was Sam Witwicky’s destiny?” Prowl asked slowly, choosing to move on for now._

_“And does he even know yah’re supposed ta ‘guide’ him?” Ironhide scowled at the Eradicon._

_“Dunno what his destiny was supposed to be. It was a crappy destiny, therefore, it wasn’t worth remembering. And yes, he’s known since he was thirteen. That I was here to help him, I mean. He’s known I was a cybertronian from the beginning.”_

_Disbelief and outrage ran rampant amongst the Autobots._

_“Why didn’t he tell me- us!?” Bumblebee cried, feeling betrayed._

_“He didn’t tell you ‘cause I told/threatened him not to,” Fixit admitted calmly, frowning down at the datapad she was holding in place of her broken cell and fiddling with it._

_“Why would you keep your identity secret?” Prowl cut across his comrades’ commotion, frowning at the winged femme._

_“Because I got a lot more done that way. Also, I didn’t know or trust any of you.”_

_“So…you never met our counterparts back in your universe?” Wheeljack sounded incredibly disappointed, even as half the room had to look up what exactly he meant by ‘counterpart.’_

_“No, I met them. Slag, I was even friends with a fair few of them. But they’re them and you’re you. You’re not the same beings. Especially you, ‘jack.”_

_“What do you mean, especially him?” Steeljaw asked curiously._

_Fixit looked like she was torn between amusement and bemusement. “Well…the other Wheeljack isn’t a scientist. He’s a Wrecker.”_

_“Seriously!?”_

_Ratchet stared at the scientist appraisingly. “…do they both blow stuff up?”_

_“Oh frag yes.”_

_“Okay, I can see that.”_

_“Ratchet!” Wheeljack whined at the smirking CMO, even as the rest of the room chuckled._

_“…Ms. Callahan-” Optimus started._

_Fixit rolled her optics. “Oh honestly, just call me Fixit. Otherwise I’m going to start calling you ‘Mr. Prime,’ got it!?”_

_“…Fixit,” he amended. “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but…when you saved Jazz in Mission City, he reported that you were an ex-Con. How did you know our counterparts, in that case? Did you defect to the Autobots?”_

_She burst out laughing. “…de…fect…hah!”_

_Ironhide bristled. “What’s that supposed ta mean!?”_

_“No, no, sorry, didn’t mean any offense. No, I would never have defected. I’m an ex-Con because my Megatron disbanded the Decepticons. Our war’s over.”_

_They gaped at her for a long minute…_

_…and Fixit nearly went deaf as they all started shouting questions at the same time._

_OUTTAKE  
“Ooh, ma achin’ helm…” Jazz moaned as he finally came to, slowly curling up and cradling said part._

_Muffled laughter sounded over the saboteur’s helm. Wait…hang on…_

_He onlined his visor, looking up with a wince._

_Ironhide, Blaster and his symbionts, both sets of twins, the Arcee triplets, Ratchet, and Bumblebee all burst into hysterical laughter. Prowl, Skyfire, and Optimus all hid attempted to hide their laughter._

_(Fixit had made a break for it the nano-klick she realized the saboteur was waking up. She had to save the blackmail!)_

_The mustachioed, pigtailed, cross-dressing cowgirl wearing a ‘monocle’- aka Jazz- just stared. “Wha’…?”_


	31. Judicious Editing and Explanations

_**“…but if it doesn’t work...”** _

_“…I know.”_

_**“Youngling-”** _

_“No, Primus. I will do_ anything _to keep my family safe.”_

 

The Terrible Trio, who were crashed on one of Fixit’s couches in exhaustion, drowsily looked up at the sound of shouting. And then Fixit slid into the room, ran up the wall, flung herself into the rafters and transformed down into her human alt., all in a matter of seconds.

Right as she disappeared, Jazz burst through the door. He skidded to a stop at the sight of the Eradicon-less room, snarling in frustration before rounding on the Trio.

“Where did’e go!?”

Fritz and Miles automatically pointed to the left. Barricade just stared.

The mustachioed cross-dressing cowgirl booked it out of the room.

The Trio gaped after him…

…and Fixit jumped down from the rafters, the albino transforming mid-fall to land soundlessly. She saluted the Trio with a grin and a wink, before flitting away silently…in the opposite direction from the made-over saboteur.

“…”

“…whatever,” Barricade grumbled, flopping back down and laying his arm over his optics again.

The spazzes looked at each other, shrugged, and followed suit. They could beg the blackmail from Fixit later.

 

Fixit fiddled with her datapad as she brooded, the soft glow from the screen the only illumination in the darkened vents.

…which was the one place she didn’t have to fear Jazz finding her. He definitely couldn’t fit in here.

It wasn’t just the saboteur hunting her, though. Even if he was the most dangerous pursuer at the moment. After telling the Autobots that the war in her universe was over, she had managed to weasel out of telling them anything more. Jazz had chosen that moment to stir from his second- _hah! Second!_ \- glitch, which lead to her fleeing to hide the blackmail.

…and by the time they realized she wasn’t coming back, she was already half-way back to base. Success!

Still, the third TF movie didn’t take place for approximately another 2-3 years. There was no way to avoid them for that long, especially since they knew she was both Marie Callahan and Mastermind now.

Now, what to tell them without giving away the fact that she’d met Primus- more than once, at least. She was pretty sure she’d told Sunstreaker the god saved her after her twin died- or giving away the gifts he’d given her.

She didn’t know what edge keeping her gifts secret could give her, but wasn’t willing to possibly give up a future advantage. Plus, she still didn’t trust these Autobots all that much.

Right then! Time for some judicious editing!

 

“Can I squish it?”

Everyone jumped as Mastermind suddenly appeared right next to the government vehicle, staring down at the diplomats sent by the U.N. They were preparing to leave, having finished extending the NEST treaty to cover the entire world.

The bureaucrats paled, backing away from the blue-and-purple Eradicon as the Autobots shifted defensively-

“No, MM, you may not squish the car,” Barricade deadpanned as he trudged past, semi-conscious spazzes swaying on his shoulders. Sadly, as the next CEO, Miles (and his bodyguards) had to be present at the meeting since Marie Callahan (the current CEO) was such a major influence in the original NEST treaty.

Everyone just…paused at the cruiser’s words.

“But it’s ugly…”

“It’s plain black, how is that ugly?”

“What? What does color have to do with it?”

“…you just said it was ugly.”

“Because it is.”

“But…what?”

“What?”

“…”

“What?!”

“…MM, why exactly do you think it’s ugly?”

“Because it’s a government vehicle.”

There was a collective facepalm. 

“Duh.”

 

Fixit sat on top of the table in the rec. room as Jazz leaned against it next to her, surrounded by the other Autobots. Everyone had gathered to finally get some more answers out of the elusive Eradicon. Even Bumblebee was there, although he had dropped Sam and Mikaela off to catch up with their human friends in NEST.

“Right, so, one question at a time, otherwise I’m out of here. And I won’t answer any more questions after this is over, I have too much to do…”

Optimus and his officers glanced among themselves, silently conferring over the comm. Prowl stepped forward and opened his mouth…

“What, exactly, happened to your twin?” …only to be beaten to the punch by Sunstreaker.

The golden frontliner ignored the reprimanding and surprised stares, focusing instead on the grimacing Eradicon.

“Just go right for the nasty questions, why don’t you…” she grumbled darkly, crossing her arms uncomfortably. Jazz frowned worriedly at her, wanting to comfort her but not knowing how. _**:I will get you for this, GG. You could’ve at least asked this in private…:**_

Her Intern offered her a miniscule, slightly sheepish shrug that went unnoticed by everyone else bar Sideswipe. The silver frontliner just glanced between the two Poltergeists suspiciously.

“I would like to know as well,” Ratchet growled, narrowing his optics at the femme as he recalled Sunstreaker’s previous report on Mastermind. And he was so shocked by her being Mastermind that he never actually finished his exam…

She shifted uncomfortably. “...um…well…”

“…”

“Oh, whatever! My twin was a psychopath who targeted me in particular, even going so far as to use our bond to damage my mind before he blocked it completely. He died when he shot me and forcibly broke our bond, which he stupidly forgot would kill him as well. Breaking the bond- which was never meant to happen- tossed both of our sparks into the Void between worlds. He was obliterated from existence, just like I would’ve been had Primus not saved me. He gave me a second chance at life because he felt horrible that my twin would do that to me or something, I don’t know. My memories from back then are all kind of blurry from the trauma of the bond breaking and offlining. Happy!?”

Everyone was horrified, but both sets of Twins were especially so.

“…your own twin hurt you? On purpose!?” Sideswipe breathed in appalled horror.

“…I just said that, dumbaft.”

Ratchet lunged forwards to scan her- and Fixit’s gun met his forehelm, resting against it with a whine as the Eradicon glared at the frozen medic.

“Do. Not. Touch. Me,” she hissed furiously, wings arching up aggressively as the rest of the room automatically aimed their weapons at her. Jazz looked torn, holding a dagger he pulled out instinctively in a ready position.

The CMO raised his servos in the air, slowly backing away. The Eradicon looked like a cornered animal. Pushing her right now would be suicide.

Once she deemed the doctor far enough away, she lowered her weapon, but didn’t put it away.

“If you have any more questions, ask them now or forever hold your piece. I am very close to just being done with all…this,” she spat, obviously restraining herself from doing something she might regret later.

Optimus slowly lowered his own weapon, motioning for the rest of his men to do the same. Jazz vented in relief as he subspaced the dagger.

“My apologies…Fixit. I will order Ratchet to keep from examining you, if it makes you that uncomfortable.”

The Eradicon grunted, scowling at the CMO one last time before reluctantly putting her gun away. (Ignoring Jazz’s faintly guilty expression in the corner of her vision. He was a soldier and she’d just threatened one of his comrades, it was a perfectly reasonable reaction. She didn’t hold it against him…too much.) “…let’s just get on with this. And it’s Mastermind in this form.”

The Prime inclined his helm. “…very well. Prowl?”

The SIC nodded back. “...how and why did your war end?”

Fixit buried her faceplates in her servos with a groan. “…yet again, another annoying question…okay. My Megatron was utterly obsessed with dark energon, the blood that ran through Unicron’s lines-”

“Unicron’s a myth,” Blaster scoffed.

“No, he’s not. Unfortunately. Slaggin’ irritatin’ bastard…”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.”

“…I fought an army of undead cybertronians, which he reanimated and commanded. I saw him on the battlefield- he tried to kill me. Proof enough?”

They all gaped.

“…Ah think yah’d better star’ from t’ beginnin’,” Jazz said weakly. First the news about her twin, then this! The saboteur’s guardian protocols were going nuts! Especially since _she kept running away from him!_

“…that’s what I was doing before I was interrupted…”

Blaster fidgeted sheepishly under her stink eye.

“…anyways, my Megatron was obsessed with it, and in a moment of total stupidity, shoved a shard of dark energon into his spark.”

Everyone choked in shock.

“Exactly, total stupidity. So…complicated things, complicated things, epic ultimate showdown thing between the Autobots and the Decepticons, and Megatron ended up being offlined by my Bumblebee.”

**“WHAT!?!”**

Bumblebee- and more than a few others- looked about ready to glitch in shock. A few actually did.

“Hey, it’s not like anyone from my universe was expecting it either. Quite the accomplishment for little Bee, though…”

“…I think my processors just broke…” Sides moaned, slumped on his brother’s shoulder. Sun was too busy gaping between Bee and the vaguely-amused Eradicon to notice.

“…can I go on now, or do you lot need a few more minutes to process?”

“…hol’ on, le’ us revive t’ fallen…”

“’Kay.”

.

.

.

.

.

“…righ’, Ah think we’re good now…”

“Okay then. So Megatron’s body was dumped somewhere on Earth, and most of the Autobots went back to Cybertron to begin rebuilding. Only since the dark energon was still in Megsy’s spark, Unicron used it to revive and possess him.”

“…”

“…still with me?”

“…barely,” Optimus admitted, looking rather dazed. Jazz was now hovering over Prowl, who looked about ready to glitch again. None of the other Autobots looked much better.

“…right. So, Unicron took control of Megatron’s frame and flew off towards Cybertron. I’m not entirely sure how he got there so quickly, but he is technically a god, so…yeah. Anyways, he arrived on Cybertron and promptly went after deactivated frames to revive and make into his own army of undead zombie minions so he could destroy Cybertron. Everyone on Cybertron- Autobots, Decepticons, and Predacons aka Neutrals- were forced to work together in order to have any hope of surviving. Then Ryan- sorry, my Optimus- and Wheeljack came back from retrieving the Allspark from wherever it had been hidden. They distracted Unicron with the Allspark, and somehow used it to defeat the chaos-bringer, freeing Megatron at the same time. Creamer- sorry, Starscream- then showed up and promptly began sucking up, only for Megs to get pissed at him and declare that he was disbanding the Decepticons. Something about not liking being on the other end of tyranny or something…?”

Pretty much everyone was sitting down by this point, stunned into utter silence.

“…an’ then?” Jazz asked hesitantly, a supporting arm around Prowl’s shoulders. The Praxian was leaning heavily against him, resetting his nearly-white optics occasionally.

“…I dunno. That’s about when I passed out from my injuries. Next thing I know, I’m in front of the fraggin’ ancient Primes and they’re ordering me to watch over Sam and fulfill their stupid plans for this world. Naturally, I ignored them entirely.”

“B-but they’re-!”

“Glitchin’ moronic old hairdryers who’ve let their power go to their helms. If I had followed their plans, pretty much all of you would be deactivated by now.”

…and that was just one thing too many. What few hardy Autobots that remained online the entire speech glitched out, leaving Fixit the only one standing.

She huffed in mild amusement and sympathy, slipping off her table and making her way to the door…

…only to pause.

Why the frag was she leaving!? There was an entire room full of helpless victims at her pedes…

Oh yes.

So much blackmail.

Yes.

 

NEST members passing by fled for their lives in fear as evil, truly bone-chilling cackling drifted out of the Autobots’ rec. room.


	32. The Fixit Side of the Moon

_**“And what are you going to do about the hordes of Decepticons, youngling?”** _

_“…that…would directly tie into my plans for the Pillars.”_

_**“So…you’re going to…”** _

_“Yep. Although it’ll be harder to infect the Cons than the Pillars…”_

 

Marie ‘Fixit’ Callahan beamed proudly from behind her ski mask as Millennium ‘Miles’ Callahan was officially appointed the new CEO of GreenTech, Inq. All those years of training had paid off. He was going to be a better CEO than even her…especially since he only had the company to worry about.

Barricade’s holoform and Fritz (also disguised via solid light) stood protectively behind the young blond man as he shook the hands of the major stockholders. Fixit had insisted on throwing a huge party to celebrate Miles’ promotion. And to celebrate her retirement. YES! ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT!

Uh-oh, Jazz’s holoform was heading her way…time to flee!

 

The saboteur growled softly in sheer frustration as the disguised albino disappeared once more! It’d been almost 3 years since the Eradicon had dropped the news about her identity on everyone…

…and after making them all glitch, she had disappeared!

Oh sure, they’d come in contact with her over the years, but the triple-changer was just far too good at wriggling out of confrontations! She was a master of misdirection, on top of being even sneakier than he was! They’d run across her, she’d help them out, they’d confront her, she’d go off on some tangent and/or distract them, and then made a break for it!

And even when they managed to catch her, she never stayed caught! They would literally put three pairs of stasis cuffs on both her arms and legs, wrap her in chains, lock her in the brig with Ratchet _and_ Jazz _and_ Prowl sitting on her, and somehow she would still escape!

He had to admit that the one time with the rubber chickens, slimed soccer balls, glitter, and foghorns was pretty genius, though. Even if it was mentally scarring in the extreme…

…but that was beside the point!

They’d wear her down eventually, and when they did, Jazz was fully prepared to cling to her like a leech, if that was what it took to get her to _let Ratchet help her._

Frag, even Mudflap and Skids had noticed that she looked horrible! 

(Jazz was torn between awe and sheer panicked _fury_ over her ability to continue evading them even with her injuries. Why wouldn’t she just let them help her!?! She was _killing_ herself, and she didn’t even seem to _care!)_

The silver saboteur was preparing to chase the albino when he got a comm from Prowl, telling him to get his aft back to base. Optimus and his team had been attacked by Shockwave in Chernobyl. The TIC snarled in frustration- _he was so close!_ \- but obeyed. Shockwave was always bad news.

 

Fixit leaned her head back against the table’s leg thoughtfully as Jazz walked right past her. She frowned when she heard Prowl mention Shockwave and Chernobyl (she had hacked the saboteur’s comm. Disbanded or not, she was definitely still a Con at spark).

Shockwave and Chernobyl…that sounded familiar for some reason…

Idly noting Jazz leaving, the colorfully-clothed albino quickly accessed the heavily encrypted files buried deep in her processor. She definitely wouldn’t have remembered anything Primus told her without those notes-

Fraggit! Shockwave showing up at Chernobyl was the beginning of the third movie! Stupid slaggin’-!

…well. She supposed she should be grateful it started before her health declined too far to help. Fraggin’ damaged spark…

…right then. Time to get to work.

 

Fixit sent Prowl a burst message- sending him the data quickly was the only hope she had of keeping Soundwave from intercepting it. That, and making sure he didn’t know she was going to do it in the first place.

Fraggit, she wanted her Wave back…

 

Fixit grumbled in frustration as she hid behind the building in her human alt., hiding behind some trash cans. Great, Optimus just revived the douchebag…

Well, there went plan G…she didn’t particularly like assassinations anyways.

Back to plan C!

 

The Eradicon cursed, throwing herself out of the window and transforming just in time to push Ironhide out of the way. She took Sentinel’s shot in her right forearm, even as her momentum carried her and the Weapons Specialist behind a trailer and out of the douche’s range…

…for now.

“What the frag-!?” Ironhide roared, whirling on her-

-and gaped in disbelief at the rust eating away at her right forearm.

Fixit yanked an energon blade out of subspace and sliced her forearm off without any hesitation before the rust could spread any further. Then, tackling Ironhide before he could do anything more than swear in surprise, she saved them both from taking Sentinel’s second shot in their helms.

“Move, you idiot!” she bellowed.

And, wonder of wonders, he moved.

 

Thankfully, the sight of Fixit and Ironhide sprinting through the hanger- the Eradicon shouting at everyone to _run, Sentinel’s a traitor_ \- got the NEST personnel to evacuate, leaving casualties at a minimum.

The douche still got away with the Pillar, though.

(Fixit hid her satisfaction at that.)

 

“This is all on you, Optimus!” Mearing yelled at the Prime.

“Oh sure, blame the actions of a traitor on him. It’s not his fault Sentinel’s a cowardly, back-stabbing douche,” Fixit spat venomously at the woman. “Or are you just being a hypocrite because he’s a different species, and you’re a prejudiced bitch!?”

Both Ironhide and Optimus gaped at the furious Eradicon, even as she clutched the still-bleeding stump of her missing arm. 

(Which was partially to stem the bleeding, and partially to hide the thin tendrils of rust slowly snaking their way up her arm. It wasn’t about to offline her anytime soon, but it was definitely painful.)

“Why I never-!” Mearing sputtered.

“Two words, bitch: Indiana. Coyote,” Fixit hissed, arching her wings aggressively as she shifted protectively in front of the stunned Prime.

Mearing went white, staring at the winged medic in ill-concealed horror.

“That’s what I thought. Now instead of looking for a scapegoat, how about you get your aft in gear and help take down the fraggin’ traitor!”

“Y-yes, ma’am!” Mearing stammered, stepping back and turning around to go do just that.

Fixit huffed, flicking her wings dismissively as she turned her back on the woman. Then she noticed the stares.

“What?”

 

Grimly, the Autobots loaded up onto their ship. The humans were foolish to believe the Decepticons would keep their word.

Several of them- especially a certain saboteur- noted the absence of an odd-looking streamlined bot and her minions. But since they were Neutrals, not Autobots…well, they weren’t bound by any treaty with the humans. Besides, the Decepticons only specified that the Autobots leave.

…idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the time-skip to the third movie has arrived! 
> 
> And look, I saved Ironhide! Yay!


	33. Killionaire

_**“…I’m not going to change your mind, am I?”** _

_“…no. If my death means I can keep my family safe…then so be it.”_

_**“…very well.”** _

_“It has been an honor, Primus.”_

_**“No, Fixit. The honor was mine.”** _

 

Fixit hissed in pain, clutching at the stump of her right arm. She had injected the specialized nanites to slow the rust’s progression down, but knew from the start it wouldn’t be able to stop it from consuming her spark. And Primus himself had said that even he couldn’t keep the rust from obliterating a spark. There would be no going to the Well again for her.

_Primus and I made several plans where I didn’t get hit, but…ultimately, I knew I was probably going to get hit. And not saving Ironhide wasn’t an option- Optimus depends on him to help keep him sane. He’s a grumpy, trigger-happy bastard, but the Autobots definitely need him. And the humans- and ultimately, my_ family _\- need the Autobots in order to survive._

_I just wish we could’ve found a way to save him that wasn’t likely to end with me getting shot…_

_…I wish I could’ve found a way back home._

 

The Eradicon perched unnoticed up on the roof of a building as the Autobots and the Decepticons fought it out below her, the Forge of Solus Prime- now her primary weapon- slung over her back. She was just glad the changes she had made meant Sam (and Mikaela, who he was still dating) were far away from here, having stayed behind when NEST attacked.

Hearing Starscream drawing close to her position, Fixit slunk back into the shadows, scarlet optics narrowed. He landed on the roof next to her, shooting at the Autobots below.

Glancing around, the Eradicon rumbled softly as she caught sight of this universe’s Soundwave. Oh, how she hated him! Stupid fragger, she wanted her Wave back!

Fixit flinched, letting out a grunt of pain and grabbing at her shoulder as the rust started in on a new system. At the rate it was going, she probably had 1-2 more hours to live…

…better make the most of it, then.

She leapt out from cover, pulling the Forge into her one remaining servo, and swatted Starscream off the roof and into the opposite building. Before the dazed Seeker could react- or anyone else, for that matter- the winged medic leapt off the building and flattened Soundwave, the weight of the massive hammer easily crushing his helm and spark. Especially since she was perched on the top of it.

Bastard. How dare he be her Wave’s counterpart?

She darted away easily almost immediately. The Decepticons around her were only just starting to react by the time she disappeared back into the depths of Chicago.

 

Attentive scarlet optics watched from the shadows as Optimus used Shockwave’s cannon to blast the Control Pillar. 

Wait for it…

There!

Stealthily, she slipped out of the shadows and ghosted across the battlefield easily.

The Eradicon crept up behind Dylan Gould silently as he reactivated the Control Pillar. He finished, and turned around…only to freeze at the menacing figure standing over him. The winged cybertronian was covered in energon, wielding an absolutely massive battle-hammer in its only remaining servo. Its stance was wide and steady despite its missing arm and partially-destroyed wing. A blank face with furious scarlet optics glared down at him ominously before raising its pede…

Gould broke and ran.

Fixit huffed irritably, immediately dismissing his existence in favor of propping the Forge against the Pillar. Her servo danced over the controls, busy bringing up and activating the virus she had embedded in the base coding of every Pillar years ago. Immediately, the half-transported Cybertron began returning to whence it came.

Locking her overrides in place, she grabbed the Forge and retreated to hide behind the Pillar in order to prevent anyone from destroying it. After all, now that Soundwave was deactivated, there was no one nearby that could hack her programs.

 

Fixit smirked darkly as the traps she set up earlier prevented the Autobots from getting to the Pillar to destroy it.

…and then she nearly collapsed in pain as the rust reached one of her main energon lines.

The Eradicon hissed in pain, clutching at her chestplates. She barely noticed Optimus and Sentinel fighting nearby, but jerked when she realized Optimus was starting to lose.

Clawing her way up the Pillar, she accessed it again, and had it broadcast the signal. All over Chicago, Decepticons began seizing up, writhing in pain as their systems began to shut down one by one. The very, very few that were not affected began to panic. Fleeing for their lives was looking more and more tempting.

(In the corner of her vision, she noted Megatron also collapsed on the ground. Good, he ended up infected.)

Fixit stumbled her way out into the open, towards the collapsed figure of Sentinel and the confused-yet-wary Optimus.

“’Sup, OP?” she called weakly, whimpering softly as another streak of agony shot through her frame, causing her to stumble.

Optimus barely caught her in time. He lowered her to the ground carefully, making sure to keep an optic on the now-still frame of Sentinel.

“Dun worry abou’ i’,” Fixit slurred, resting her aching helm against his shoulder and shuttering her dulled scarlet optics. “’e’s offline b’now.”

“What do you mean? Fixit, just hold on, I need you to tell me what happened,” Optimus said sternly, masking his worry at the horrible state the femme was in even as he commed Ratchet urgently.

She laughed weakly, a thin trail of energon leaking from her mouth. “Ah happened…Ah go’ t’ virus frum t’ Fallen’s spark, only ‘stead o’ i’ makin’ ‘em crasy Ah made i’ shu’ off they systems…an’ since i’ ge’s inna even t’ spark, it’ll shu’ tha’ off too…”

He just stared at her in slightly appalled horror, processing the ramifications of her actions. “Fixit…did you know this was coming?”

“Yep,” she confirmed softly, even as she winced in pain. “Ah’ve ‘nuwn fur years. I’ pissed meh off…Ah had t’ safe Hide, bu’ pretta much everythin’ we came up wih ended in meh getting’ hi’ by t’ stupid rus’ cannon, which means na Well fur meh…”

Optimus froze. “…what?”

“T’ rus’ des’oys t’ spark, i’ obiltarates i’…even Primus can’ ge’ t’ spark back, so na goin’ t’ da Well fur meh…oh! Tha’ reminds meh…”

The last Prime jumped as the fading Eradicon pulled a datapad out of subspace, clumsily slapping it against his chest.

“’Ere! Tha’s t’ contro’ codes t’ duh Pilla’s, plus coordina’es t’ a place where yah can brin’ Cyber’on t’...don’ share ‘em wih na one ‘cep Prowl an’ Jazzy, ‘kay?”

He gaped at her in shock. “…what?”

She snickered weakly, coughing up more energon as she did so. “Yer like a broke’ record…cheer up, Op. Da yah no’ wan’ Cyber’on back?”

“…n-no, I do, it’s just…” he trailed off, staring at her in absolute confusion. “…why?”

“’cause meh job ‘ere was t’ fix i’! Heh, ge’ i’? Fix i’…Ah like puns…bu’, yah know, even if tha’ wasn’ meh job, Ah would’ve given yah da chance t’ fix yur Cyber’on anyways…Ah’ve los’ meh home twice now, i’ sucks…bu’ yah haf ta keep meh family safe, ‘kay? Ah di’ all ‘is fur ‘em, ‘ey need…s’ay…safe…”

“Fixit! Slaggit, femme, stay with me!” Optimus cursed worriedly, telling Ratchet to hurry up!

“Ke’p ‘em…safe…please…” she begged softly, weakly looking up at him pleadingly.

“…Fixit…”

“…plee…”

“…I will keep them safe. I promise.”

A tiny smile flickered onto her rusting face. “…’ank…oo…”

Optimus bowed his helm in grief as Fixit slipped away. Off to the side, still lightly clutched in the sole remaining servo of the Eradicon’s lifeless frame, the Forge of Solus Prime flashed slightly before disappearing.

 

_**“…it is good to see you again, Fixit.”** _

_“…Primus? But…what…the rust…”_

_**“Surely you didn’t think I’d be willing to just give up on you so easily, youngling?”** _

_“…”_

_**“…”** _

_“…um…”_

_**“…you know what? Don’t answer that. I forgot about your issues for a klick…”** _

_“Probably for the best, yeah. So…how?”_

_**“…suffice to say it was extremely complicated, and I was lucky it worked at all. Actually, there was no way for it to work unless you were holding Solus’ Forge at the time of your deactivation.”** _

_“…I was holding the Forge?”_

_**“…yes, youngling. You were.”** _

_“…oh. Okay. Um, thanks for saving me, I guess.”_

_**“You are quite welcome, youngling.”** _

_“…”_

_**“…”** _

_"...my family...will...?"_

_**"They will be fine, Fixit. They will grieve you, but they are safe."** _

_"Oh thank Primus."_

_**"..."** _

_"...shut up."_

_**"I didn't say anything-"** _

_"You were thinking it, shut up."_

_***snicker*** _

_"..."_

_**"..."** _

_“…so…what now?”_

_**“Now…I take you home.”** _

Fixit clawed her way groggily towards consciousness, blearily onlining her optics to an empty room. 

_Oh, oooooooowwwwwwwwwww. Fraggin’ Sentinel and his fraggin’ rust…wait. This doesn’t look like…_

She sat up slowly, grunting as her parts screeched and scraped together. That…sounded like parts that hadn’t been used in a while, and…where the frag were all her modifications!? This looked like her…old…body… 

The Eradicon shot up, disconnecting the monitoring systems attached to her as she practically flew over to the small console in the corner. She hacked it rapidly, pulling up information… 

_I’m back,_ she thought in awe. 

_I’m home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third movie is over...
> 
> and Fixit has returned home. 
> 
> And haha! I saved Cybertron as well! Everything’s just gettin’ saved today!


End file.
